charlene Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Am I the only one out her who feels useless a lot of the time? My husband won't let me do laundry or cook cuz he gets nervous, but I feel useless doing nothing. I have a 13 year old and a 3 year old. I can get the baby juice, but I can't change his diaper or give him a bath. My psychiatrist suggested couples counseling, but my husband isn't too responsive to the idea. He won't be intimate with me cuz he's afraid I'll get pregnant or he'll hurt me. I enrolled in online classes so I'll have something to do, but classes haven't started yet. I get frustrated by the looks at grocery stores or anywhere public. I feel bad that my husband has to work crazy hours to be able to be home to take care of the baby, not to mentio all my appointments. Physical therapy feels useless cuzz all i do is walk around - which I do at home and he has me show that I can stretchmy leg out in front of me. I haven't had any help with my arm in 2 months, and it has a mind of it's own most of the time. Does anyone know if I'll ever get beter? What are the odds of having an arm that works again someday?I'm willing to work for it, but it seems like all the work has lead nowhere so far Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekelly Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Charlene, with respect to the arm - ask if electrical stimulation might help: the e-stim and the stretching helped my Mom a lot ( her leg unfortunately did not come back at all) so she is the opposite of you. With respect to feeling useless, you might try to talk with your husband about ways to pick up small tasks by doing in steps. The classes sound l like agreat idea. I think it is perfectly normal to feel sad and drustrated BUT as a family member and part-time caretaker of a stroke survivor who is very dependant I can tell you that am very happy that my Mom is still here- and that a lot of what I get from her : love, understanding.... was not impacted by the stroke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mema Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Hi Charlene, Sorry about your problems. You will have to see an Occupational Therapist to work with your arm. Have you seen one? Will your husband read the posts on this site? He could get a lot of information about any pre-conceived ideas he might have about stroke. He really should be talking to someone. Would one of your doctors be willing to call him in for a private consultation to explain things to him? And there are ways to prevent pregnancy, especially in this day and age. Good luck in finding solutions. Vi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dstraugh Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Charlene, Your on-line classes sound terrific. I agree that it may be a good idea for your doc to sit down with hubby and explain stroke to him. I'm sure it's out of fear that he's being so cautious - he may try to wrap you in bubble wrap next to keep you "safe". Life does go on after stroke and you need to be afforded the opportunity to see what you can accomplish independently and safely. I have the opposite of you. I don't have a hubby and I'm a single Mom. My daughter expects me to be able to do more than I can do. Many days are full of challenges to overcome - sometimes I'm successful, other times not but I do try. Hang in there and you ARE useful...not useless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HostAsha Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 charlene: I understand how you feel, your hubby loves you very much and very protective of you sounds like mine. I too had to argue a lot to be able to do lot more at home, and luckily he relented so I started doing more at home which in turn made me feel good about myself. I have allocated a day for laudry and do it all by myself. though I often have to remind him not to help me unless I ask for help. hang in there and tell your hubby why it's important for you to be able to contribute in the household. taking online courses is great idea. Asha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Charlene, Why was your occupational therapy stopped? Usually therapy is stopped when the patient is unable to meet goals that have been set. Was that your case? There is a therapy that involves restricting the use of your strong arm so you will be forced to use your affected arm. The theory is that your brain will eventually be rewired to use the weak arm. You will need a prescription from your doctor in order to get occupational therapy of course. Take ownership of your therapy!!! If you are a little bored with your PT, have you been doing any balancing exercises? Steps? bike riding? These are some suggestions you could have for your PT if you aren't doing them. Of course, I don't have any idea what your needs are, but if you need any help in any of those areas they may help - also, tell your PT you are bored and need something more to do. It's YOUR program of recovery so you should have input into it! Here are some thoughts for ways you might feel more useful at home. Could you help with the laundry by doing some folding? How about setting the table for meals? Or the dishes - if you have a dishwasher you may be able to take care of that? Dusting - you could use your weak arm and it would serve double duty. Since you have a three year old, I'm sure you have lots of opportunities to read stories, or encouraging that little one to take care of toys, etc. It's not too early for him to learn to be a "helper" and is at the perfect age to learn this lesson. The things I've suggested are not "sexy", but they are ways you could feel valuable to your husband and lift part of his load. By taking baby steps and succeeding, he will feel more comfortable in encouraging you to do the things you want to do around the house. He will also view you more as his helpmate and not the "invalid" you perceive yourself to be. As far as the sex goes, if another baby is the concern as Vi said there are ways to avoid pregnancy. I can tell you from personal experience that there is a certain fear for the safety of our partner. One thing you might do is to ask your physician about sexual relations when your husband is there. By doing that he will be with you and the doctor will naturally include him in the conversation. Good luck with your classes! I'm sure they will be fun, but don't neglect the opportunities around your home that will help you physically. And all those looks you feel you are getting when you are out? I bet you'd be surprised to know those looks are admiration for you, not pity. Your getting out shows your strength and determination. When you get out you are an example to others that stroke is not something to be ashamed of. Stroke is a reality and somehow we have to continue to work on removing the stigma people feel when they think of stroke. It is important to remember that while you were a victim of stroke when it hit - now you are a SURVIVOR. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kanderson Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 charlene, you have gotten some great advice from the others, my situation was like yours when i had my stroke. i came home from the rehab hospital, wanting to try and do some of the things i used to do. my hubby encouraged me but he also made sure i could do them safely. i am able to do my laundry, clean up the kitchen, load the dishwasher, use the crock pot to cook some meals. some housecleaning to ease hubby's load. we don't get out to much because of his work load. try and get into O.T. to help with your arm, the e. stim may help you, it didn't for me but we tried. try everything you can. the classes will keep you busy and i hope you do well in them. you are not useless, you are a survivor with a purpose teach hubby all you can about stroke so he will be less fearful of you trying to do things on your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wildwildbil Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 I have fought to be allowed to do everything I can for myself. It started in the rehab hospital when I asked to not be helped with my food (Removing lids, opening sweetener packets), dressing and bathing myself. Now that I am home I have to fight my GF to allow me to do some things, but she usually relents. I cook on the grill several days a week, have started doing dishes by hand, but find about a third of what I wash needs to be done a second time. I help out in other areas when I can. For example, while typing this the toilet clogged (no I didn't write this while sitting on the throne ). so I had to help unclog it, which included a trip to the hardware store for a toilet snake. Now my arm feels like spaghetti. Not knowing your current status is difficult, but as others have said, it sounds like OT would be good for you. But you don't know know what you can accomplish until you try it. Sit down and talk to your husband and doctor/therapist :chat: about how you feel and start insisting that you take a more active role around the house. The one word of caution I would have would be to make sure that you (and others)are safe.. Have your husband supervise tasks until both of you feel secure in them. Good luck in finding your sweet spot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bstockman Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Hi, I think different areas must work differently. I had PT .. he worked with both my walking and my arm. My arm had a mind of its own also.. I would reach for something, usually missed, if I did get it, I would either have a death grip on it, or not tight enough and drop it. PT had me reach into a large jar of jelly beans and sort them by color into about 6 or 8 cups. I also had a nerf ball to catch and throw back to him. at home I used buttons and small objects to practice picking up and sorting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2ndChance Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 I've never regained any use of my affected arm/hand but I started doing things around the house while my husband was at work - nothing that required standing or balancing - but moving laundry to the washing machine and then the dryer/loading the dishwasher, getting the mail, stuff like that. As to your child, have you sought advice from other disabled moms? http://lookingglass.org/parents/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charlene Posted May 7, 2008 Author Share Posted May 7, 2008 Thank you all so much MY OT was cut off cuz of insurance and now the ot i was seeing is pawning me off to somone else, As for the sex, he won't even discuss it I'ce suggested both female and male condoms. Since I can't go on the pill....he won't even discuss it. I've tried to explain to him how this makes me feel as a wife and a woman, but maybe I'll just show him these boards in stead. The stroke took so much at once in October 06 and lately I feel like I'm losing a little bit more all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danni3 Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 HELLO CHARLEN WELCOME TO THIS SITE I FEEL YOUR DISPPOINTMENT,BUT HANG AND THERE KID,MAYBE YOU WANT TO TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT SOME ANTI DEPRESSANT MEDICATION,IT HELP ME ALOT I AM 7 YEARS POST STROKE FROM A BRAIN BLEED I DONOT NO HOW FAR YOU ARE BUT HAND AND THERE KID. GOD BLESS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Hermite Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Hi Charlene..... I'm sure that when your hubby seems to be blocking you, he's only doing out of love and concern...... Having a stroke happen to a loved one, scares the heck out of folks, and rightfully so..... On the other hand, I do not have a caregiver, but I do have some very concerned friends..... And even a few of my siblings......<G>.... What I've found helps me keep going with enthusiasm, is what I call teeny goals...... I used to do jewelry, but that's pretty hard to do one handed...So....one teeny goal was to open and close a pliers right handed.....One day I did it.......Now, I still can't "aim" my arm very well....but.... Another goal is picking up a stone with tweezers.....that one hasn't happened yet... But it will..... The point being.....you get a reward to yourself, each time you succeed at one of the teeny goals.....and they do make life easier... Last week, I opened a door, i.e. twisted the doorknob with the right hand....It took a couple of weeks trying.... Pain issues, but...... This week I've been attempting to turn book pages with the recalcitrant hand......as well as I've tried a coupla times to chop onions, cut tomatos, etc., with it....I did cut stuff, but very crooked...Tasted good though.... Hey....two months ago....I couldn't do jacket and fly zippers......now I can (most of the time)..... I couldn't wink my right eye for four months after my stroke......I tried almost every day.....I can do it 95% of the time now....... And every time you succeed, you get a reward...... I dunno about you....but I have a bunch of meds I have to take......I didn't stage them in one of the nice pill allocation boxes......I learned to open script bottles one handed, with my strong hand.....I got very good at that.... Then I told myself.....I'm gonna use two hands......I was eventually able to twist off and on the "child-proof" caps.....doing the turning with the weak hand..... You can find these teeny goals or challenges all around you in daily life......and that's what the OT folks are trying to do with you anyway.... And accomplishing these gets to be addicting...... Wait until I can hit the shift key reliably on this keyboard...... Hang in there and give yourself a chance....Explain to your hubby what you're doing....Show him when you achieve a teeny goal..... You'll be interacting with him more, and reassuring him in your abilities..... This could have other benefits..... Go For It, Girl..........! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrell Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Hi Charlene~ Welcome....I just got on this site 3 days ago. My daughter 21 got it on our computer for me but i never knew how to log in. I am so blessed to haVE A PLACE WHERE THERE ARE THOSEWHO CAN RELATE TO WHAT I'M GOING THRU, I WAS AT THE POINT OF FEELING A BURDEN TO MY FAMILY. i HAVE 4 CHILDREN & HUSBAND THAT CAN'T STAND TO COME HOME TO CHAOS. I CAN CONTROL IT SOMETIMES BUT HTATS WHEN I POSTED ABOUT RELATING TO MY 15 YR. OLD DAUGHTER. MY 21 & 20 YR. OLD WERE 7&9 WHEN I HAD MY BRAIN HEMORAGE & WE WERE IN PROCESS OF ADOPTING 2 CHILDREN. iN DEC. 1, 1997 WAS WHEN IT ALL HAPPENED. I WAS NO LONGER THE STRONG PERSON I USE TO BE WHO COULD SEW MY KIDS CLOTHERS, READ RECIPES, WALK, TALK, MY RIGHT SIDE WAS TOTALLY PARALYZED. THROUGH MUCH REHAB AS OUT-PATIENT & IN-PAITENT. I REGAIN USE OF ALOT. I CAN NOW DRIVE W/LEFT FOOT GAS PEDAL IN THE DAY JUST AROUND OUR SMALL TOWN. (WITH THE HELP OF THE THERAPIST SHE GOT MY CONFIDENCE LEVEL UP TO GO TAKE DRIVERS TEST.) i WALK WITH A CANE AND WEAR A BRACE ON RIGHT SIDE. HAVE ALOT OF PAIN BUT TAKE MED. FOR THAT & SEIZURE MED. TO DRIVE. i FEEL A BURDEN SOME SO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. dON'T GIVE UP KEEP PUSHING FORWARD WITH GOD'S HELP AND THE HELP OF THOSE NICE FOLKS WHO UNDERSTAND LIKE ON THIS BOARD, I HAVE WORN SMILE ON MY FACE EVER SINCE THIS WEEKEND AFTER KNOWING NOT ALONE. I HOPE THE SAME FOR YOU...GOD BLESS YOU MY GOOD FRIEND. HANG IN THERE AND THERE IS A LIFE AFTER A STROKE, YOU JUST HAVE TO GET THE NEW YOU. YOU'LL GROW INTO IT & FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. KNOW YOUR FAMILY APPRECIATEDS YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. AND THAT ALWAYS IS EVER CHANGING... YOUR NEW FRIEND IN FAITH & SUPPORT ~ nANCY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrell Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 hI Charlene , Regarding your arm when I get tired my arm on my weak side trys to go to the position it was in when i had my stroke curled up to my chest. My thereapsit would tell me to train it when I walk & in my bring imagine it swinging by my side. In the pool I walk w/ it swinging to & fro. Have you gotten much therapy? My arm still tends to curl when I'm tired or stressed, so we all have our days in our new body we always are getting use to. Some days are better than others. I like your new picture you put up! Have a good Day!!!! Remember your not alone, i just love this support group and meeting neat, caring people like you. Take care and enjoy the sunshine if it's out. God Bless ~Nancy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrell Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 P.S. CHARLENE CAN YOU FIND A PT IN A RE-HAB CENTER THAT HAS DEALT WITH STROKE PATIENTS BEFORE? i WOULD TALK TO YOUR NEUOROLOGIST & TELL HIM YOUR NOT MAKING ANY HEADWAY. I HAD LOTS OF DIFFFERENT THERAPIST WORKING W/ ME JUST AFTER MY STROKE AS AN IN-PATIENT. IN NURSING HOME BEFORE THAT, THEN AS AN OUT-PATIENT FOR 11/2 YRS. THEY GAVE ME CONFIDENCE TO DRIVE AGAIN. AS YOU CONTINUE T O GO FORWARD YOU WILL START TO SEE A CHANGE. A BIG BALL THAT ICOULD BALANCE MYSELF ON HELPED. JUST A FEW SUGGETIONS. AND FOR MY HUSBAND HE LOVES TO COOK & CAN SO I AM THANKFUL FOR THAT. I HAD LOTS OF HELP BY FRIENDS. THEY EVEN TRAINED ME TO WALK W/ A WALKER THEN AS TIME WENT BY I GRADUATED TO A CANE BUT THIS TOOK MAN MANY MONTHS & LOTS OF FALLS SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK & PUSHING FORWARD. IF SOMETHING ISN'T WORKING KEEP SEARCHING FOR MORE. THERE'S LOTS OF HELP OUT THERE. HOPE YOU FIND THE PERFECT THING TO HELP.....GOD BLESS ~ YOUR FRIEND NANCY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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