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OMG...I Can't Read Out Loud.......


lydiacevedo

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I'm sitting in the office, with a co-worker. I was asked to read something aloud, so we could both see if it sounded ok. I just discovered I can't do that!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I can read. It is slow, most of the time, and after a while, it stops making sense, but I can read. I cna type and my spelling isn't too bad. I can write blogs and manuals, emails, training information, everything. What I can't seem to do is read aloud!

 

 

I can read. I know what the words are, how they should sound, and what they mean. But that information isn't getting from my head to my mouth!!!!!!!! Just nothing come out!!!!!!

 

At Easter, I gave a homily on one of teh 7 last words of Christ. I know I only looked at the paper once, then launched into it, but that is not unusual. By the time I am ready to do something like that, I've written and rewritten it so many times that it is so familiar to me, that I don't need notes.

 

I haven't actually read anything in church, or anywhere else, for that matter, since the stroke.

 

I'm a little freaked out. No, I'm a LOT freaked out!!!!!!!!!! I can't make the words that I am reading come out of my mouth while I read them!!!!!!!!!!

 

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OK,

 

I called Sam. He told me not to panic. I just can't read aloud....TODAY. Tomorrow might be different. Everything is going to be ok. By then he had pulled up in front of his next patient's house, so he had to get going. But he promised me everything would be ok and I believe him.

 

Then I called my mother. She told me to take deep breaths and relax. I just can't read....right now. She's dealt with this when my grandmother started having all of her strokes. There is OT for it and if that is what I need, then we'll get it for me. "It's just a little nerve that needs to be remineded how to do it's job." She said everything will be ok. I believe my mom.

 

So I'm calmer now, if still a little weirded out. I can "hear" myself reading in my head. It's just that my nouth doesn't know what to do when I try to actually put the sounds to the words. It's the freakiest thing I've run into since feeling like I was moving my face/right side in the hospital, and nothing was actually happening.

 

It has that same kind of disconnected from reality feeling, that is what I have not liked most about the whole stroke experience. It took me 3 weeks to feel like I was reconnected to reality after the December stroke, and a weekend to do it after the April stroke. I don't like feeling that way.

 

Now I don't even know if this is something that happened at the December or the April stroke! OK, I'm working myself back up again. I don't want to do that. I'm still in the office and I don't want to go home before 4 pm. Frankly, I can't go home before then. Sam has my suv today. I need to keep it together.

 

Why does this one little thing (and in the scheme of things, not being able to read aloud really is a significantly smaller deficit than, oh, say, not being able to walk or to talk at all) seem to weird me out so much? I just never thought I'd have a problem with it.

 

I've been reading since I was 3, reading aloud since that age too. I guess it was something I took for granted that would just happen when I wanted/needed it to happen. Now it seems, it isn't. Reading aloud is not "a natural" part of reading. I guess I thought it was.

 

I geuss I also thought I had figured out what my new normals were. Seems I still have some discovering to do.

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I had this and other speech problems after my stroke even though speech and language shouldn't have been affected since my stroke was right sided and thy are usually ion the left side of the brain... WWell, i couldn't read aloud in the beginning either and my voice hd no volume. I also was terrible at coordinating breathing with speaking.. My brain forgot how to breath and speak at the same time so I'd got o say a word and suddenly Id be gasping for air It was weird. I had a speech therapist for a few weeks after the stroke but I kept on running my mouth and now it feels back to normal I even gave an hour long speech in front of about 200 people and didn't faulter with my speaking and I was able to read my slides without difficult; it gets better :o) Promise, it does get better just keep talking and try singing. Other weird thing I didn' notice till many months after but I ha lost my rhythm. I couldn't keep a beat or sing song ltyrics in timeith the music at all but even that has gottwen better I listened to my ipod and sang, in my head cuz im no singer but no I've got rhythm again. Its so weird the affects I had that I wasn't expecting because as a neurologist I was aleays examining mysef for the usual defecits which I had but these other things I did not expect, like speech problems, lack of rhythm and timing but they got better :o)

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Similar for me. with a right hemisphere cva. I have trouble coordinating my breathing with reading aloud or talking on the phone. If I'm just speaking casually, it's not a problem, although I don't have the force behind my voice now. I refuse to answer my husband if he yells something from another room.It's uncomfortable to project or speak loudly. My Speech therapist gave me some breathing exercises to do. She said that basically my diaphragm wasn't coordinated to my speaking. I lost my ability to sing or whistle. The PTs would admonish me about not exhaling in time to my exertions during therapy. I told them, I couldn't. I had a choice of focusing on lifting my leg or pushing a breath out; not both. I It's getting better on it's own as time passes but at some point I'll want to work on it.

 

 

I've tried to tell unstroked people that having a stroke, for me, is a little like having your house burn down. There is the initial devastation and loss... but then as time goes on, you find other things you've lost when you encounter a need for them. There's no way you can list everything on the initial damage report. We just go about rebuilding and sifting through the ashes to see what we can salvage and clean up.

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