Well, like I usually do, I am writing because I'm depressed. My mom went on vacation and so I've been here alone for this week. The past week I saw friends and relatives, and told them about my doctor saying I will have no functional movement from the hand. I just started the e-stim last week, and I am going to get it for home. This is very good. After my PT shows me how to use it I will say goodbye to her. I've also had my last official OT session with Kristin, and that's sad. She's going to get the Seoboflex dealer out to try it on me, do a demonstration for the staff, and if it feels like it works then I'm going to get OT with someone trained in using it. I have 10 cigna sessions left. I've almost used 60.
As you can guess, all these changes are scary. Then my doctor suggested I see a regular therapist to work on my self esteem as I am looking for part-time work. Additionally, my doc ordered an MRI, some labs, and extended my coumadin from 6 mo to a year which is a huge bummer. She's just being safe, but I was really looking forward to not getting coumadin anymore. It's overwhelming.
The nice thing about my mom being gone is that I gave myself a whole day to lay in bed and cry a ton. You don't really want to do that with someone around, you know? I feel I've lost a big part of me; I know it's just a hand, and it doesn't work, but to me it's huge. It makes me less than others, and it feels crappy. I am still me, in personality, and that's what I am reminded of, but I'm afraid an employer, or romantic interest won't see past my hand. And my limitations with walking too---I can't walk that far yet.
I'm so sick of being a patient! I can't stand it anymore.
And I'm sick of feeling scared. Scared of the world. Of going into the grocery store. Of going to the bank. I never used to be like that.