I've been moping for a few days. I am still trying to come to terms with what is happening with Ray and the fact that the days of he and I living together are over. When I sit beside his wheelchair in the courtyard at the nursing home some days we could be back here sitting together on the front verandah as we used to do. But then I look at him and I can see the changes, the pouting lips, the dribbling, the increasingly vacant look. All signs that more brain damage has happened.

I try to do something with him most visits. I get there before lunchtime and help by cutting up his food. Then we go to some activity if there is one or I take him back out to the courtyard and read to him. I am reading one of the James Herriot books about the life of an English Vet, one in the series : "All creatures great and small". It is funny but typical of life in a country town with the Vet tackling the animal ailments of the neighobouring farms.

On Thursday I took Ray for a stroll in the wheelchair. Just down the road a bit from the home is a pharmacy with an ice cream freezer chest. We stopped and I bought him a cup (bucket?) 97% fat free, and got a spoon to feed him with. We found some shade and I sat on a park bench nearby. I put the first spoonful in his mouth - fine. Put the second spoonful in his mouth and he coughed, spluttered and choked. He made so much noise the pharmacist rushed over to us to see if he could do anything. Ray calmed down after a while and had the rest of the icecream that was mostly melted by then. I guess if he had died you could say he was "killed by kindness".

I will do it again but take a thickened drink too next time and a face washer and a whole bag of other equipment. Reminds me of taking the kids to the shops, same procedure I guess. Apart from that he seemed fine. I left him playing 8 number bingo with an aide. He still likes to be involved in something like that, I think it reminds him of his Camp Breakaway days.

I only got to see Mum once last week, on Monday, but visited her again today. Mum is stable, sleeping mostly but still opening her mouth for food which is what is keeping her alive I guess. I still visit her by her bed and when she is in the big comfy chair I take her to one of the lounge rooms or activities room. I figure she can hear better than she can see and still likes to be around people.

She will kick her feet if she hears music so today I took her to the big lounge room at the hostel end of her building to hear a choir of local school children. These were about 30 10-12 year olds singing a program for nursing homes as they visit three in a week and then come back in four weeks time to do their Christmas program. They came around and said "hello" to the residents at half way break which was a nice idea. I loved their rendition of "Light a Candle" sweet voices and sincere faces and that glow that kids have about them. It was good to be there and Mum's feet kicked along with the music.

Ray has the halter monitor on today so I will get the results later in the week. It will show if he still has the arrhythmia or if it is Atrial Fibrillation now. I hope the results simply mean a change in medication as I am sure he is unsuitable for an operation. I know the young doctor he has now wants to do what is best for him but his extensive stroke damage, his age and current conditions also need to be taken into consideration. I would hate for him to die on the operating table.

It is hot today. I will have to keep cool and do my housework and yardwork early in the morning and in the cool of the evening. I intend to enjoy this summer. Trev and Edie and Lucas went to the beach for a BBQ Saturday afternoon and met up with Edie's sister and her family. I didn't go as I wanted to ring my daughter about 6pm.I spoke to my dauughter and she told me her husband has gone to see his mother as she has some health probems. It will be the fourth anniversary of Craig's Dad's death today so I guess that is one of the reasons for the panic attacks she is having. With that in the back of my mind I hate to burden Shirley with my troubles so said very little about what is going on for me. It is easy for us to keep on looking for sympathy when we should be looking for the silver lining of the storm clouds of life instead.

Sue.