You know? Life isn't always cheerful and all isn't always sunshine and lollipops--and I will be here for all of it. Right now your life is like that and I am glad you are able to talk it out. I hope if you need to you do it again rather than the cheer you promised.

Just be you with all the things you feel--good,bad and/or ugly. I wish I could do more than tell you that I care and give you a cyber hug but I hope you know in my heart it is just as real.

Jamie

Your reflections are beautiful in their sadness, honesty and circumstances. No need to be chipper on my account. I do wish I had something more for you though.

Lisa

Lisa: that was perfect.

Sue, please also remember that medically Ray is not ready to come home. Until the heart and seizure issues are resolved, he would be in the ER several times a week, subjected to that and an entire new and complicated regime with the hospital.

For now, you grieve for what was and is. Know you, Ray and your whole family are in my thoughts. Debbie

Sue

This is what blogging is all about getting your feelings out and sometimes when we write our minds wrap around things a little better.

Come here and do what you have to do for yourself we don't need a fake Sue and you don't have to waste your engery on trying to be cheerful when you are not, your journey right now sucks and I wish I could do something to help you out.

Know that you have many friends here and we all love you and feel your pain so blog what you feel. Get it off your chest.

As always you and Ray are in my prayers Sally

HI SUE , you must remember sue you are still a wonderful cargiverand ray knows that you have simply made sure that ray is in a better place until ray is then able to come home to be with you once again, and then you will be happy and you know as munch as you will want it to be happy and gay life isn"t always like that there is usually alot of choice had to be made some bad some good but it is all for the best care that ray can get for the time being untill ray can get better, all the best to you sue , i will be praying for you that there is better days ahead for ray and for you sue god bless you sue, and god bless you ray

Sue,

I love your musings. Honest and blunt. Yes, that is what I need.

You write from the heart and I can learn so much from that. I know that it is difficult to learn the new today. Change is what the new life is about. Trev and family will bring all sorts of new life.

William told me that he hates change. I said that is what you feel....but change is life.

Take care and keep cleaning out the house. I like you keep too many things.

Ruth

Sue,

I really wish I was a bit more able to take a flight to Australia with the wife for a vacation there. Just getting to visit with Ray and you would mean so, so much to me at a time like this.

You are such a strong woman, mother and wife! I bet you got a lot of how you are from your mum who was and still is a strong woman in her own right. I fully understand your temperament on a daily basis from what I experienced in two years from the caring I got from my wife. You are a true blessing for every member of your family!

You have done all you can do as one woman and wife as care giver for Ray. He is not alone just not at his house and we all understand and continue to pray for Ray and his health status.

Fred!

"Women of the world unite to cry in their blogs." "At least you guys know that there is someone else out in the world caring for you. You may have never met but you know they care because they are crying for you."

These are the words of my 18 year old daughter who was with me as I read your blog. I thought them beautiful and quickly typed them out to save for this reply.

Sue, you have written so many wonderful blogs and given sage advice but this is the best you have ever written. Painful, yes. But so so real and touching. I did cry. I understand that hollow spot in the middle of you; the mid-night tears; the pain of sorting through memories called "stuff"; searching for a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I want to make it better for you and me, for Ray and Dick but I can't.

You will want to be sure to take care of yourself. Depression is common and some folks can use the added umph of medication or counselling. Staying busy is good. Don't push the tears back inside though. They can be like a cleansing rain. There are times we have to put the smiling face on for ourselves and for others but never never feel you have to deny your feelings, especially here. If we cannot take you where you are, shame on us.

The forced movement to make changes to get ready for Trev to move in may be a life saver. I have been getting rid of things more gradually. It is amazing how important silly little momentos seem. But I have found those things can drag me down if I hang on to them too long. Sometimes taking a picture is good enough to save the memories while we regain space.

Things will never be the same again but just like it did after strokes, we manage eventually to find that "new normal." You will feel like smiling and laughing again. You will still have good times with Ray. Last night was the first time I was able to drive myself to see Dick in over a month. He had one of those rare moments of lucid thought and we laughed together for almost an hour. It happens! In the meanwhile, as Elyssa said, "...you know they care because they are crying for you."

Ruth