There is always bad news this time of the year. It is in the media and on the news. It is in the Christmas card from the person you didn’t receive one from last year. A lot of people just can’t manage to send out cards the year of the serious illness or family death so you don’t know about it till a year later. The news may come by phone or even be told to you by a third party. It all seems so much worse at Christmas time too. Why is all this bad stuff happening in the season of good will and glad tidings? No wonder we feel disheartened sometimes in the Christmas season.

I have had my share of bad news already so I won’t list it here – marriage breakup news from couples who seemed to have a good marriage, friends sharing a devastating cancer diagnosis, even a bankruptcy, all sorts of things are happening around me. But so far the change for the better in Ray since the adjustments to his medication and the course of antibiotics seems to be holding and Mum was okay on both my visits to her this last week. You’ve got to be grateful for the small blessings.

On 9th December it was the 21st anniversary of Ray’s first stroke. I think I have touched on the circumstances in other blogs. We were up in Queensland visiting Ray’s older brother. His brother had promised a friend that when Ray came he would help build a play house for the other man’s daughters. Ray was already tired from travelling for a full day and a half to get there. He still got up early in the morning the next day to measure up the job and then he and his brother set out with a list of requirements to buy timber, paint and fittings.

Ray felt dizzy in the hardware store and started walking holding onto the wall. When he spoke to his brother it was in a slurred voice and his brother told him to stop clowning around. Then Ray started to stagger and his brother realised something was happening and took him to his own doctor who realised it was a stroke, rang an ambulance and Ray was taken to a large hospital about 40 minutes drive away. Imagine my shock and horror back at my brother-in-law’s house when the doctor’s receptionist rang to tell me what had happened!

Ray finished up being in hospital for only six days in Queensland and then they told me to drive him home. I did so but realised Ray would need to half lie down in the back seat for him to travel comfortably with his vertigo. For a 600 mile trip it was pretty harrowing with me driving his van for the first time. His own doctor here contacted a neurologist right away and we went onto the medical roundabout for the first time. Many different tests, trials of various medications, six months of stroke rehabilitation aimed at his return to work, the actual return to work part-time, then full-time. And 8 1/2 years later strokes number two and three.

It is hard for me to pass these stroke anniversary days and with Ray having six strokes there are six stroke anniversaries. It takes some effort to keep my spirits up as an anniversary approaches. It is only when it is over that I can settle back down again. Traditionally since that first stroke in 1990 I haven’t posted Christmas cards off until after 9th December, in case as I did back then, I have to telephone bad news through to his relatives before they have had time to open the cards.

I have been very busy this past week as in addition to other things I have minded the two little boys, my older son’s children, for two days. It was quite a while since I had minded them but they were happy to see Granma and by much patient telling I got them to behave reasonably well for me. I love to play with them and playing ball and gardening outdoors was a big hit this time. The house they have moved into recently has a large yard out behind the house and a wild garden so we did quite a bit of weeding, moving pots etc to make it more user friendly for the children.

I have started to make some small changes in my life. It is hard to do but I must. There is no going back to how life was in 1990 when Ray had the first stroke or 1999 when he had the two majors so I really have to look at the widows around me and see how they cope alone. I may be a married woman but with Ray now living in a different place to where I live I do in fact live much like a widow does. So I have decided that I need to live on a small amount of pocket money so I cannot do a lot of nights out, joining women friends instead for coffee or a light lunch. The money we saved for our trip around Australia is long gone and my retirement fund will pay towards Ray’s care needs.

The Christmas tree is up but so far there are no presents under it. That should happen next week as I shop, wrap and pack them and pile them under the tree. I am hoping that the family plans don’t change and I get to see and spend time with them all. We should try to make Christmas as merry for the children as we possibly can. It is after all mostly for children that we do it.

Today I debated what Santa might bring to the little boys, of course the toy catalogues are prized and carried around and they want one of these, one of those, two of something else. Their bigger sister said she is happy with a book or a game or some clothes, she is easy to buy for but what I am going to get any of the adults I don’t know yet. Mum I will get a couple of new bright tops and a dress. It is her standard gift.

I went to Ray’s CH Residents and Friends dinner on Friday. It was a bit disappointing as we sat at tables for four instead of six as in the dining room and I didn’t know the other couple. Luckily I am pretty outgoing and in the end we got a conversation going. The food was not very imaginative, and very small servings. As we are also going there for Christmas lunch I am hoping they are a bit more generous then. But in the end it is just being with Ray that counts for me.