I have received a lot of Christmas cards this year. I send out a lot so I get a lot. Most people are polite and send out a card in reply to one they receive. In the cards I sent out I said Ray had gone into a Nursing Home now and briefly outlined the traumas we had been through. None of the cards I received expressed concern or sympathy at our life changing circumstances; even cards from close family were simply signed “Love from xxx and xxxx”.

I often wonder about the value of the cheap love we give away. We go to social events and get air kisses instead of genuine warm hugs, we text “luv u” or say “I love you” and do nothing to show that we genuinely do love people. Love is a work not a word. Love is expressed in doing and being with, not saying they are “there for you” and walking away like most of our “friends” and family have done since we began this journey with stroke and dementia.

I am busy moving my goods around the house, into storage, into the recycle or the rubbish bin. I have been doing this for 8 weeks now. It is heart-breaking work in a lot of ways as it is like moving away from my own life, saying goodbye to the past Ray and I shared in this house for so many years. In some ways I feel as if I am throwing away the life Ray and I had together. I know that life is finished but I still want to cling onto that one last hope that he will be back here one day. But to do so would be living in a "Fool’s Paradise". So this is another part of the journey to Acceptance.

I have several motives for moving Trevor and family in here with me. One is to save them rent money so that they can save up the deposit for a house now. They need $50,000 to just get into the market and put a deposit down on a loan. Stamp duty alone is half that. Here we have very high prices to contend with, we live in a lovely coastal stretch, beautiful beaches and lakes close by, great climate so everyone wants to come here. It is a retirement destination for people leaving the cities behind and making a “sea change”.

For the first home buyer the taxes are crippling. The first home buyer’s concessions have just ended. They have been big concessions including waiving stamp duty. So Trevor and Edie were really too late into the market to take advantage of those concessions. Trevor didn’t have a steady enough income before to get a loan, he was self-employed, his small business career had nothing to do with guaranteed income. He has gone back to his trade as a fitter so he has guaranteed income. Edie works in the public service so she has a steady income.

So the three of them are trying to pack down too, moving out of the small house they have shared together for the last twelve months. It is uncomfortable to say the least to see how much we are throwing away in order to make this work. For them and for me it is about compromise and making sacrifices and adjustments. I thought at first it was about clearing out two bedrooms and letting them in here but of course it is about the kitchen, the bathrooms, where we sit, what we eat, who cooks, how we work together and how we get some time away from each other.

Add to our problems the great news that Edie is pregnant and expecting another child in June and of course the fact that she has some morning sickness and the moodiness that pregnant women have. Take into account the changes that have happened in Lucas’s life and the way he handles it is walking away, being uncooperative, in fact being a nine year old. No “instant happy family” just four people trying to make some adjustments so they can live together reasonably well.

And I still have spend a lot of time away from the house to visit Ray most days and do the visits to Mum. There is still shopping and housekeeping to be done and as it is my house the yard work is mine at least for a while. I will have to make some compromises there too as we have a trampoline to fit in and a swing to put up and Lucas needs running and jumping room and I need to decide where some of the pot plants that are in the way are to be moved to. Only keen flower people would really understand that dilemma.

For the past eight weeks it has been constant change. We pack some boxes away, they bring some more over and we pack them away. We throw things out only to rescue something we thought we didn’t want but we do. I think we all thought this combining of two households would be so much easier than it has been. After all we all moved originally didn’t we? It is not as if we have never done this before, but before we each had an empty house to move into.

We have all had to exercise a lot of restraint. For Lucas this has been hardest as whatever he is thinking seems to come out of his mouth, he does not as yet have a social filter. So he is constantly in trouble for disrespecting his elders. It is very hard for a modern day kid. I think we will all settle down together, we just have to get over this initial shake-down period.

So we have to practice a love and concern for each other we often don’t feel. We are family as well as house sharers. We need to make compromises that will last and make decisions based on the common good not just on what we personally want or need. It is a BIG learning curve for us all.

As part of my Christian witness I did telephone counselling with a Uniting Church organisation called Lifeline. It was set up as a suicide counselling line but also became a general place for people to feel safe venting about all kinds of matters as well as asking for help, support or advice. Consequently I have heard stories of relationships that would make what we read on the board here seem simple.

It is hard to be a family in this world we live in, hard to be fair to others when we want what we want and we want it NOW. And of course there are people in our own families who put themselves first and never give a damn about anyone else, isn't that so? It is easy to shout: “But what about ME?” when we have needs. We may even know others are barely making it through the week but they SHOULD, we think, make us their first priority. Well, I know for sure, from hearsay and from personal experience that is not going to happen.

I’ve said before my Dad used to say: “if you need a helping hand, look at the end of your arm” so it is sometimes self help or no help at all. If someone else comes alongside to give you a helping hand that is a bonus. It is not fair to expect others to put aside their lives and give their time to us. Of course some do and we have to be grateful for that and I do mean grateful, singing their praises, giving them thanks, promising to return the favour when we are able.

Being thankful is a wonderful thing but showing our thanks is better. It frees us from that heavy feeling of obligation and allows us to resume an equal standing with others. We are not the “poor in spirit” when we return the helping hand or “pay it forward”, we are also in the band of helping hand heroes. A simple “thank you” as long as it is heartfelt and sincere is often enough but a follow up of cheerful friendliness is even better. We do OWE something to those who help us and enrich our lives. At times that is simplified if in return we give those who help us our respect and love.