we got through Christmas somehow
Entry posted by swilkinson
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Christmas was the final straw I think, too much work, too little return as usual. I don’t know why our family must do it all, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day all seemed full and Trev and I had a big argument this morning. I guess we have tried too hard to play “happy families” when we have a feeling we are all on the edge of a Black Hole.
To me, with Ray in care now, it was a real effort to do family Christmas when all I really wanted to do was sit and cry for Christmas’s past, for the end of family life as we have known it and what we all have lost during the course of this year. For those who have your loved one at home it must be hard to comprehend that having your loved one in a care home does not seem easier or better. To me it seems like flying an aircraft in a thick fog, you know you are not in control but are desperate to land your life in a safe place.
I have been holding back on so much emotion, trying to stay calm as my house is reconfigured to take in three extra people. Yes, I do want to help them out by having them here so they don’t have to pay rent. No, I do not want things so changed that when I go to the cupboards they have all been changed around so I don’t know where anything is now. I want parts of my home and parts of my life to remain unchanged so I can cope with all the things that have had to change whether I liked it or not. And I don’t think any of my children understand that.
If the timing for this move is wrong then I guess they will move off to another rented house and I will rattle around here alone until such times as I decide to move. If it does happen to go that way. If I can’t keep up the expenses on my own, if I can’t find tradesmen to deal with some of the problems the house has developed, like the main toilet cistern broken, then I will have to do a fix up I can afford and sell it. It is hard to look after a family home by oneself on a single income. All of Ray's income goes to keep him in the Nursing Home and part of our savings too. It is not cheap now.
On Christmas Eve Trev was very tired, it was a humid day and he had to work till 1pm. Then he came home and was busy getting the main areas of the house free of boxes, not an easy task as there were still quite a few of them to move. In the end it was done and I hoped we could all relax. Lucas and I went off to a Children’s Christmas service which went quite well and I was proud of him for the way he looked after the little ones at church.
Christmas Day itself was quite good. I think the idea of having lunch with Ray was good, but I think affected all of us more than we realised it would. Lucas and I went to church first while the other two did some preliminary cooking. We went together out to have lunch with Ray. It took us 20 minutes to locate him as he had self-propelled himself to the very end of the building and was in someone else’s room. This seems a frequent occurrence now and is his stroke-affected version of being a dementia-related wanderer. The staff members are good but with few of them to be spared to look for him we had a fruitless search until someone finally located him.
The lunch was adequate if not plentiful (old folk’s portions) and we then had a cool down time under the trees out near the park at the back of the facility. There was some false bonhomie, there was no spirit in any of us to try and make it seem anything like the Christmas we hoped it would be. We got gifts for Ray but he just looked puzzled as usual and there was no feeling that he did know what day it was or the significance of our visit.
As soon as we got home it was straight into preparations for the evening meal. I think the ideas of what we wanted to do in catering for the meal was a bit ambitious for the time we had. We did manage to burn some vegetables and by then realised we were about an hour out with the meat dishes. Yes, we should have kept it simpler. I know that now, but then three kinds of meat and about five vegetables plus sauces and gravy seemed doable.
Finally the rest of our family arrived and it seemed to be Christmas at last. I am not happy until the family, or as many as can come, are assembled because Christmas is about family, about being together, or anyway it is for me. But without Ray our family was not complete. I just couldn’t get away from that fact. Shirley and family had called over to see him on their way to us and I could see she had been crying so I guess the changes in him had brought her to tears.
The rest of the evening went well, we had Shirley and family stay overnight and in the morning we all had breakfast, some talk and they went about 11.30am back to Sydney to pick up Craig’s Mum and take her away for a week’s holiday. She is a widow and loves to spend time with her grandchildren and beloved son. I will be down visiting them at the end of the month the grandchildren get to spend some time with both of their grandmothers.
The next day was normal activities for me, Trev and family were at Edie’s Mum’s place as it was her 60th birthday and her family had gathered to make a fuss of her. Good for them, so they should. Today was not a good day as again I think everyone was overtired and cranky and so Trev and I had the argument. I am not sure this multi-generational household is going to work out. Too much strain on relationships when people live too close can cause big rifts in a family and I would rather not go there. Lucas being hyperactive is an added problem.
Yesterday I did have a good encounter though. Ray’s younger brother finally did his visit to Ray and arrived just as I got there so we three spent about half an hour together out in Ray’s favourite spot in the courtyard near his room. It was all a bit awkward at first but at least he kept his word and visited Ray over Christmas as he said he would. For a non-coper this was a pretty big deal. He is a nice fellow, just not that empathetic.
I am not sure about the future. Yesterday Ray was missing again and when I found him he was missing a shoe. These are special shoes as they fit his brace, he was still wearing the brace and one shoe. Today he was in bed when I got there and the shoe had not turned up. I will have to see if I can find another pair the right fit without having him physically with me. Without a pair of solid shoes he can not take part in activities or go out on the bus.
Seems like we just lurch from one crisis to another, doesn’t it?
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