January for me is “Reading Month”. I adopted this in the ‘90s when I was working full-time and studying part time. No study from early December till early February so in January I caught up on any books I had put aside to read. So if I am sitting down and obviously not doing much and someone asks what I am doing the reply is: “It’s January so I am reading.”

I think it is the little things that keep us going in life. Taking time to do our own thing whether it is gardening, reading or playing games on the computer, if it is OUR pleasure then we use it for leisure. I’m thinking of Debbie and her “lady shower” that she has when someone else is in the house keeping an eye on Bruce or Sarah and her hot stone massage. If you don’t have a hobby or leisure activity maybe you can think of something special you can do that is your way of relaxing and feeling better about life.

Most activities do not start up again in Australia until mid-January. A lot of older Australian assist the younger generation with childcare so it is expected that most of our church congregation will be unreliable attendees during the six weeks summer school break. It is no use setting up annual general meetings until February when we are all back home again. This gives us all a breathing space and I like not having regular commitments for a while after the frantic lead-up to Christmas that leaves us all feeling so tired.

I went over to Ray’s NH today and realised it was BBQ lunch day. This is only really a sausage sizzle but relatives who are visiting get to eat too. Today it was a few French fries, a scoop of coleslaw, a little cut up tomato and a sausage each and a slice of buttered bread. I sat out in the courtyard with Ray and talked to other wives who were also sitting helping their husbands with the meal. It was a good time of fellowship and a less stressful visit for us all.

We need those times to realise there are a lot of us in the same situation, loved ones in care, us rattling around in a half-empty house or sharing with a family member. None of us feeling happy about the arrangement but knowing this is the only way things can be right now. What we need to do is let go of the control and let go of the guilt that comes from putting a loved one “into care. I am still working on that one.

Ray has had a blood vessel break in his right eye; this could be due to an episode of high blood pressure or a prolonged coughing fit. Whichever it is the eye is improving after four days of looking red and angry. Every week there seems to be something new to worry about. He fell asleep before the end of the barbecue today; I woke him up to eat his ice cream. I know he would hate to miss out on that treat.

It took three days for staff to locate Ray’s shoe, in the end one of the cleaners found it so he has two on again. He was also wearing one of the new shirts we bought him as a Christmas present. Since he has been sitting all the time he has put on a lot of weight around the middle so has gone up two sizes. I took home the ones that didn’t fit and substituted the new ones. I like him to be as smart looking as he can be while still feeling comfortable.

The arguing here seems to have stopped for the time being. Edie’s health is a worry at the moment as at 18 weeks pregnant she has high blood pressure and her kidney tests came back to show she is stressed. It is partly the weather, hot and humid and just the busyness of summer and Christmas. She works and has a child and a new husband and a new address, no wonder she is stressed.

Mum was the same this week as last week when I visited her yesterday, sleeping with an occasional time of opening her eyes. I know she could slip away any time now. I am not worried about her as she gets excellent care. I am just concerned to see the staff do all they can for her, that she is clean, comfortable and in no pain. She and two of her room companions are at the same stage so one by one they will slip away.

I am gradually reconnecting with some of my friends and acquaintances I have been too busy to keep up with in the past year. For a while all my energy had to be focussed on Ray, now I am trying to let go of some of the control and letting the staff at the nursing home do what they are paid to do. It is not easy but I am trying. A lot of Ray's needs would be beyond me to cope with now, I know that, and I need to be confident that the nursing staff are competent and able to meet those needs.

I wish the same for Ray as I do for Mum, that he kept clean, comfortable and in no pain. In addition I want him to be allowed to join in the activities available as much as possible and for as long as he is able. We were laughing today in the courtyard about our menfolk playing bingo, probably the last thing they would have thought of doing had they been well and active, but it is a time of fellowship for them as they are all seated together around a long table and given treats as part of the afternoon’s activities.

The leisure activities put on by the diversional therapist and her assistants are all about filling in time and keeping depression and boredom at bay. One of the fellows found himself with a group of ladies sorting squares for rugs. He was apparently quite good at colour co-ordinating and the ladies enjoyed his company. He is a real old English gentleman and enjoys whatever company he finds himself in. It is often not about what you do but who you do it with.

Perhaps the life Ray lives now would seem trivial to some but think of all we do in life and communicating with others in whatever way is possible is certainly one of the bonuses of our existence. Ray is now truly retired and I hope will find pleasure in being at leisure for whatever time he has left. He seems happy enough now and that gives me peace of mind too.