is life better or worse?
Entry posted by swilkinson
1,192 views
This has been a mixed week. I think I got a touch of the virus that Trev and Edie had as I had a couple of days of aches and pains and dragging myself around. It has been doing the rounds and I hope it has left for good. I also got a few mosquito bites and I guess they were swampies which I am allergic to so got some large painful areas and that ruined my sleep for a couple of nights.
Edie, Lucas and Trevor are moving out again at the end of this month. They have found a rental house that is on the right bus route for Lucas’s school and decided to take it. I think it is a bit premature as they were going to wait until a month or so before the baby was due but it is their call. They want to set up a nursery and maybe Edie thought she would do it now while she has the energy.
It is a pity as we did all that clearing out so they could move in and now it all has been for nothing. I am be glad for them that they will have a larger space to live in, it was going to be a squeeze here if they had stayed until after the baby had arrived. But on the other hand they will not be saving much money toward their own place so that is a pity.
I took Ray to the kidney specialist today and he said Ray’s kidney function was the best it had been for three years. It is “really good”. I asked how good was “really good” and he said about 25%! I am so glad it is not bad!
I asked the kitchen staff if Ray could have a lunch meal 15 minutes ahead of schedule and they did that for Ray. They also gave me a pack of sandwiches, so he had half his lunch before we kept the appointment and half when he got back. I think the experience did tire him out a lot though he was still smiling when we got back to the nursing home. We went in a wheelchair taxi, just under $100 for the round trip. Without balance I couldn’t have got him in and out of my car so a taxi was the only viable solution. Luckily the taxi driver was talkative so the miles just slipped by.
Ray doesn’t have to see the kidney specialist again as he said there is little more he can do than is being done for Ray, he did suggest a change of one tablet and a variation of dose on another. I have appreciated his expertise at balancing tablets for Ray and it was he who talked me through the change from diabetic tablets to insulin for Ray so he has been well worth the expense as far as I am concerned.
As I said before, Ray had a burst blood vessel in his right eye which the nurse says due to an "episode of high blood pressure". It looked awful, totally red and he rubbed it all the time. After a week it has just faded to a red streak so I hope that is the last of it.
I am a bit worried about Mum. I took her out into the sunlight and noticed her skin is translucent now. In the past few days she seems to have gone a creamy color as if her skin is paling out and the veins in her hands and legs seem quite blue now. I asked one of the aides who frequently looks after the ladies in her room if Mum was well and she said yes, Mum was fine. It seems as if there are no changes and then I notice somehow she is different. I just don't panic as much now; I think this is just a step closer to the end.
The staff and I are getting more used to finding Ray when he goes missing. He self-propels with his good right foot in his wheelchair and often ends up sitting watching television beside someone's bed in the hostel section. The staff like him to get about but I think we're all getting a bit frustrated with the game of hide-and-seek. They have started noting where he is now and I just run from one nurse’s station to another and someone points me in the right direction.
I have met up with some other wives now and we often sit under the cover near the BBQ in the hour before lunch, three of them (two husbands, one wife) are smokers and that is why they like being outside. With eight or ten of us around one long table there is a lot of chatting going on and it is very pleasant. The staff are really pleased as they see this as some kind of support group forming.
I wish I felt good about all of this, I try to but a big part of me still wants Ray back home. That may not change any time soon. We are able to do so little now that we once did. I know the “Ray might come home one day” is a pipedream or another form of denial but I so wish, wish, wish, it could happen. I do not feel complete without him here with me.
I foolishly thought having Trev and Family here would be a distraction but in a way it made it worse. I guess I thought we would be company for each other but with shift work etc that never really happened. I am finding it is hard to get used to the idea of being a woman alone. I will have the week with my duaghter at the end of the month so have that to look forward to.
I have some friends and the people here but there are things that there really is no-one who would understand and I need someone to talk things over with. Maybe I need to find a counselor, I have thought about that but don’t know where to find someone who specializes in separation due to illness and the feelings of bereavement that causes. Maybe find out from my old dementia group if someone has any idea on who I can see.
Now I have to get to the end of the month, take a deep breath and start practicing being “Sue alone” again. That is until the next emergency comes up and someone else comes to live with me or wants me to mind their children.
7 Comments
Recommended Comments