I hope you don't mind if I moan about the weather. It is raining again. It has rained most of the week. Today is Saturday and it is wet and cold and most unsummery. Oh wait, we did have two hot, humid and awful days, with thunderstorms and I complained about that too. Roll on autumn, a season where the nights are cool, the days shorter but pleasant...or is global warming going to interfere with that too?

The last couple of all day seizures have made a difference to Ray's alertness. Since the last one Ray has been much less aware and less able to hold any kind of conversation, sometimes even answering a simple question seems beyond him. I know there is no telling if they are causing more brain damage but certainly his ability to do even simple things has gone down. He is on heavier doses of the seizure medication to try and stop the seizures and often sits now with his head down, drooling, with his mouth open.

Ray also seems not to be able to eat more than half a meal by himself. He will take a few dessertspoonfuls and put his spoon down. Up till now he has been a good eater so this is a worrying development. I wonder if it is the new medication or new damage? It also worries me that I am not there every day at lunchtime to make sure he eats at least one good meal a day. What happens when I am not there? How much does he eat?

I had the three grandchildren from close by today as their Dad was on call as the "pick up person" for the funeral home he works for and their Mum had a full day shift starting at 6am. We had fun. The two little boys are 4 1/2 and 5 1/2 now so able to settle longer to do a puzzle or play a game and are more biddable. Alex, the older of the two boys is in his first year at school Oliver at preschool. Tori is a delight and I would have liked to keep her today but she hadn't brought her bag with her so we put it off to another weekend. Now she is older I can't just wash her clothes overnight like I used to, she wants a different outfit for the next day.

I had to do a family history project for my oldest grandson Christopher, we do these projects in upper primary school now. He had to chose someone from his parents generation, someone from his grandparents or great-grandparents gneration. He chose my Dad so I had a trip down memory lane (and shed a few tears ) as I prepared him a few pages of information. I am sure his other grandmother did too as she prepared information on her father. Both were immigrants, my Dad from England, her Dad from Germany. Both families produced children and grandchildren they could be proud of.

I realised a few days go how obsessed I still am with Ray and his health problems. How often I lay awake at night still thinking: "if we do this he will get better", it is not good, it is as if I am still trying to control what is happening to him and worrying will fix it. Will it? of course not. It is so hard to accept that really nothing we do apart from seeing he has the right food, is kept warm/cool and has enough rest is going to make much difference now. How sad is it that statins, which Ray has been on for over twenty years are now being cited as one of the contributing factors to dementia?

I also realised that in focussing so much on Ray I am also neglecting my children and grandchildren, which is why I said "yes" to having the three little ones today and foregoing my visit to Ray. I need to give them some time, some attention, before they grow older and do not need Granma's attention anymore. I know that will come soon enough. Tori only has one year of primary school to go and High School kids really do not want to be seem with Granmas and Granpas. We are definitely not cool with that generation.

I took them with me to the Church Fair and although the weather was wet and few people there, those who were there were cheerful and happy to see us. Little old ladies remarked on what pretty hair Tori has or how "lively" the boys are. I always buy them a whole heap of interesting stuff, I guess it is appreciated by the kids, not so much by their parents...lol. I can afford to buy trinkets for Tori, second hand trucks and toys for the boys. There were three pot plants that didn't get to go home, neither parent is a gardener so I have to take them and plant them myself on my next visit to them.

I have so appreciated the positive attitude of so many of the church folk as we have gone through the drama which seems to be life for us now. A couple on one of the stalls today I often see as they regularly visit an old neighbour of theirs at the nursing home. They always come looking for Ray and me and say g'day. It is sometimes better sometimes to be happy with these considerate well-wishers than to yearn after the friends who have disappeared from our lives of late.

And so life goes on, visiting Ray, catching up on housework, and I would have done yardwork except for the rain, rain and more rain this week. I want a refund on the summer that never was, I've missed out on the swimming, the walks along the beach, the picnics and BBQs, the many sunny days of enjoying the great outdoors. I know there may be a lovely autumn (fall) ahead so maybe I will be able to spent time in the garden then.

Global warming seems to have become global raining...grrr! So much rain that we have so many areas flooded, 75% of New South Wales is flood affected as of this morning. Luckily we are one of the district to have more moderate falls. Life certainly could be worse.