This week has been an odd kind of week. I have had a few social activities and that has been good. I went to the Lions dinner and that was a pleasant evening. I am looking to doing a little more volunteering with them as soon as life settles down. I am still a little tentative with what I do there, it is strange being a "single" rather than Ray's caregiver, I guess I will get used to that eventually. I went to the Apex40 dinner on Thursday and that was good too. I feel more at home there as there are several widows coming alone and I know one day I will be one of them too.

Last Monday I had a delightful dinner out with some old friends and went back to their house and we watched a movie "Holy Man" with Eddie Murphy, very funny and something to think about. The craft group was also another outing so not so much time spent alone this week. If I can get a routine going, places to go, things to do I know I will feel happier about the direction my life is taking.

The bedroom change finally took place this weekend. It is odd as the middle room is now set up with the two single beds and I suddenly realised I had set it up just like I did for the boys when they were 12 and 15, sort of sent shivers up my spine when I realised what I had done. I need to think of it as the grandkids bedroom now and maybe change the curtains, put bright pictures on the wall etc. It is still scary to think that sometimes life seems to go backwards instead of forwards though.

I know I need to make some changes in my life but what direction the changes need to be in I do not know. I don't seem to have a lot of ideas about what I want to do,as I have said before going back to where I was before I became a caregiver is not an option. Back then I was doing two jobs and looking after the house and helping out my very aged parents. Now I am living in the house by myself and while Mum is still alive supervising her care as well as spending so much time with Ray. It really doesn't leave much spare time by the time i have done housework etc.

Ray has been in care going on for six months now and my life still consists of me going to see him most days over the lunch hour to make sure he eats. There is not a lot else I can do for him apart from keeping him company for a while . His attention span seems to be shrinking and even the reading does not hold his attention for long. As his cognition fades it is less likely he will respond to what I say, more likely he will spend a lot of the time I am with him being locked away somewhere where I can't seem to reach him. I guess the combination of the seizures and the medication to stop them is making this happen now. It is again like losing him by inches.

After being in a semi conscious state most of last Saturday with another series of seizures Ray spent all day Sunday in bed but was up and in his wheelchair by Monday and it has been a fairly uneventful week healthwise. He hasn't had a lot of bright and alert time and I have had to help him with his midday meal most days, seems he gets half way through and seems to lose the energy to go on putting food in his mouth now. As far as I have been told he has not had any more seizures. It is still very hard when I notice a downturn in his responsiveness.

On Friday we had a rare treat, a visit from the older of his two sisters and his brother-in-law. I do keep them up with the latest news so it didn't come as a shock for them to see him inattentive and drooling. They stayed about an hour and said: "see you soon" when they went but I doubt they will. They live in Queensland and with kids, grandkids and an active retirement have a fairly busy lifestyle. Judy and Val, Ray's two sisters were my bridesmaids but over the years we have not seen a lot of them. They have mostly lived their own lives, each married and raised a family and we've maybe heard from them a couple of times a year. Not a close family really.

Well meaning friends ask what I am doing for myself now. I tell them my week has mostly been spent with Ray and Mum. Some of them don't want to hear that. I don't think they understand it is hard to rebuild your life after twelve years as a caregiver and no, it is not time yet to "move on"..