making small changes
Entry posted by swilkinson
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Just thinking that a lot of issues I am going through are similar to others who are newly "separated". It is illness that has separated Ray and I in our case but I don't think the reason matters, the resulting loneliness and change of roles is still a factor.
Today I decided to change the bedrooms around. I remember the angst I went through when we got rid of the double bed bought by my MIL when we got married and changed to two single beds pushed together. Now they are going into the middle bedroom to be used by the grandchildren when they stay over and the double bed from the front room is going to be my bed. What affect that will have on my sleeplessness I don't know but I am hoping that if I make some changes in my physical surroundings that will settle the "separation anxiety" I am feeling.
Looking at Ray in the daytime, when we are sitting in one of the lounge rooms or the courtyard I often feel that of course I could take him home. At the nursing home he sits there in his wheelchair, nicely dressed, clean and tidy, slightly smiling, looking around and he looks so normal. Of course I do know all the work that has taken place by several people to achieve that look, getting him out of bed using the Standaide, the showering and the dressing, involving several people are no small task, by myself that alone would take hours.
At night I can imagine him in his armchair sitting next to me so strongly some nights that I turn to make some remark to him and of course he is not there. That is often when I fall apart, the emotion so strong coupled with that belief that my husband of 43 years should of course be sitting there by my side. Except that of course his many disabilities have made that impossible.
I also visited Mum this morning and she was fairly alert for a change. She was still being showered when I arrived so I was asked to wait in a little alcove with some easy chairs and magazines in, much like a small waiting room anywhere. The aides did wheel her out to me when they had finished so we went into one of the big airy rooms and enjoyed watching a relaxation video featuring swans etc on a small lake with a nice music track playing. I found it soothing so I hope Mum did too. In the end she fell asleep and I went on to visit Ray.
I went to the Carer's support group at Mum's NH last Wednesday after I did chat here. The group has changed, a few members dropping out after their loved ones have died and new people appearing to take their place. One dear lady looked on the edge of tears for the whole hour but was unable to articulate any of what she was feeling. I hope she comes back month by month until she trusts us enough to share what she is going through. We all know it really helps to share the problems and the pain and seek out others who really understand what we are going through.
Today I had afternoon tea with an old friend, she has her Dad in care and as his POA etc she is now immersed in all the responsibilities of looking after her father's finances and looking after his day-to-day needs other than what the nursing staff etc does for him. She said even buying his toiletries is an embarrassment for her as he was always until some months ago very independent and a very private person. Now she needs also to buy his underwear, operate his bank account, know the dentist, doctor and specialist appointments etc. She is willing to do it, just never thought she would have to.
Once again I am questioning my friendships as few people have contacted me to ask after Ray, to inquire what I am doing to fill in my time or ring regularly to make pleasant conversation to fill in my time. A few good friends have stayed by me and others have sent me emails and kept in touch that way. It would be easier if I had a few cousins etc to rally around to help me through this but of course apart from my sister who I see every couple of months there is no-one, one of the downsides of being part of an immigrant family. Ray's family rarely contact now.
I am still feeling a little lost without seeing Trevor's family every day. Since he moved close by, two blocks over, to help me with lifting Ray before he went to the hospital and then the nursing home I became used to seeing them all regularly. And then they moved in here for two months of that 18 month period. I had became so used to having their little family close by. Now they seem settled in into another life and I really miss them, even Charlie the cat. I especially miss the company of Edie and Lucas. Edie and I often had a discussion over coffee after Lucas had gone to school. As she worked afternoon shift she had more time in the mornings. And Lucas was a constant source of noise, funny that even things that grate on you can be badly missed once they are at a distance!.
I know it seems as if I am "stuck" at times in some sort of unreal holding pattern. I would have thought it was time I got over the separation and settled down to living a self-directed life. Not self-centered as I still have a lot of things to do for Ray and with Ray, but more self-directed than is presently the case. Maybe that will come in time.
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