Ray is back in his nursing home again. He didn't get out of bed today as the head nurse wanted the physio to sign off on his suitability to be back in his wheelchair self-propelling again. As the conclusion at the end of his hospital stay was that he had had a bad seizure, or maybe a series of seizures he should not have to be signed off, after all there shouldn't be any significant changes to his cognition as there would be had he had a stroke - should there?

I found the days long in the hospital as I sat beside his bed for five or six hours each day. I like to be there to act as his interpreter. Ray cannot answer questions easily, it may take him two or three minutes to answer a simple question, if it involves thinking back more than a few hours he is not able to answer it at all. So it is easier if I am there to be his memory aid.

I am glad Ray is back at the nursing home but will be sad if this latest event has taken more away from him. For instance if he is not able to go in the wheelchair, or if he is not considered suitable to eat in the dining room now. It is small things like that that add to his life, being able to be where people are, where the acivities are going on, being able to join in. I put myself in his shoes and that ability to go on with some sort of life is what I would want for me.

A lot of people have asked me if I am getting used to being alone now Ray is in a nursing home. You call that a SNF and it is officially an Aged Care Facility here but you all know what I mean.

The answer is "no" - I am not getting used to being alone. Just as Ray, like everyone who goes into full-time care, wants to "go home", I want and NEED him to be here. However I do know that the Ray I would want home is not the Ray that is in a nursing home needing three people to get him showered and changed but the Ray from some years ago who could walk, converse, laugh at a joke, and generally enjoy life.I put him into the NH because of all the changes and difficulty of one person handling him and that will not change with time.

I know we all to some extent live in denial. I too have thought "this will never happen to us". I am posting this in the hope that some of you will look ahead and see that some day you may be in the same position I am in and in some ways prepare for it and others may see how fortunate they are not to be in the same position as yet and be thankful for the companionship they can still enjoy with their partner/loved one.

I guess as the time stretches out I will get used to the routine of going to the nursing home and back, fitting in life around the visits to Ray. I know that he will eventually settle down and remember little from the many years he lived here with me. I try not to be sad about that.

I know in order to keep friends now I need to alter my lifestyle. For so many years it has been "Ray and his carer/wife Sue". Now it is just Sue here and Ray in a nursing home so I need to learn to relate in a different way. Maybe I need to change my mindset and find some new things to do or return to old hobbies I dropped because I took up Ray's care. It scares me sometimes that this living without my husband of 43 years is the way it is going to be for a long time into the future. I guess it is this sense of "aloneness" that makes it so difficult to accept.

Here on my piece of the lovely Central Cost we have a lot of nursing home complexes, in some cases accompanied by self-care and hostel type residentials. There are a lot of people like me still living in a home once full of family and friends and buzzing with life. I am not unique, just new to being one of this vast number of mostly separated women facing changes in their lives. Does this thought scare me? Not really, just reminds me that life evolves and somehow we all have to live with that.

So Ray is back in the nursing home and the visiting there will hopefully become routine for me. It will be do some chores, visit Ray, come home and have some late lunch, do some chores, dinner and whatever the evening brings. I guess it can be a good life. As long as I can ensure it is not a sad and lonely one I should be okay.