Sue,

It makes me sad to see you going through this and I agree that it's something only you can work through for yourself. But warm thoughts and hugs are being sent your way.

Jamie

I wish I knew the answer to that question- when do we forgive ourselves for the decisions we made though necessary at the time- were they the right ones? What could I have done differently? Dale only wanted to come home, and I was not able to bring him home. So many regrets and what if's. My heart goes out to you. Shirley.

Sue - I am so sorry this keeps playing itself over and over --------- I know the feeling. I do not know or have the exact same things going on with dan but as i have said before, I suspect this is how our lives will play out in the future... your strength and wisdom are so valuable to all of us.. unfortunatley even if you managed to bring him" home" would he really be "home"? at least now there is still the dream of "home" and that to is a good feeling. even if it leaves that emptiness in its wake- the memories are still there for both of you.....nancyl

Sue: strictly from a Clinical point of view. I look to our "B". Our unit has been in lockdown for two months to allow her to walk around safely and not have to be restrained. Her husband is selling his business and awaiting long term care insurance to kick in before relocating to Florida where two of their children also reside and they have a Condo in a gated community.

Her care team met this week and we were observing her from the library. She goes to the desk, does filing, folds laundry, checks in with me to see if my "slips" are ready. After supper time, she begins to look for her Mother, brothers and sisters. She is anxious about "starting up the hill, home" before dark or rain. She is completely institutionalized. Yes, she knows "home" but at this point, it is the idea not the reality. Finally we convince her that we have a bed for her "up the hall" and she goes willingly, gets into her nighty and settles in. I know she feels comfortable and safe or there is no way she would get willingly into bed and turn on the TV-background noise, she does not watch.

Now our only concern is yet another change to Florida and her adjustment there.

I truly believe that Ray has the concept of "home" but wonder if, at this point, there is any reality to it. Sad for all of you, except Ray. If you had taken him home every weekend, reinforced the concept, ignited those memories and reminded him of what "home" is to him, imagine the pain that would have caused week after week. You have allowed those pathways to dim into a distant memory. Painful probably, a distant reminder of who he was, what he had accomplished and worked so hard for. But not nearly as painful as having to relive that every week, grieve, accept and then have it happen all over again.

The idea of "home" is not quite the same as knowing your loves. I believe Neil. I honestly believe Ray wants so much to tell you he loves you. He knows this in his heart and also that it is so important that he tell you. I think while "home" is a distant memory, you are there all the time. He feels your pain and anguish. How can he not? You have been his love for so many years. You are the mother of his children. He chose you as his life partner and wants you to know he made the right decision.

When you leave him, I am sure you reinforce that you love him and think of him often. But please, if you do not do this, remind him that you know he loves you, wants the best for you and for you to forgive yourself for anything you feel you may have done wrong. That those thoughts are what gets you through the day and warm your heart. Debbie

Sue: Bless you and all you are going through. When my mother was in skilled nursing and moved to the Alzheimer's wing one of my last memories was me wheeling her down the hall to her room. She asked me when she could go home. I was taken by surprise because it was the first time she asked it and I said "soon, Mom, soon. I later realized "home" was heaven and, yes, she did go home within the week. I will never know what she really meant but for me home for her was heaven which gave me peace when she went.

It is hard living alone but be thankful you are not disabled and can go where you want when you want and bend over to do some gardening. Being disable is very hard being along. Of course, my caregivers help immensely but I want to do things myself and I just can't. I have to let go and let God. Hugs and God Bless You, Leah

Sue,

You express you self so well. I feel for you. I can imagine doing the same thing myself. Dreaming and scheming.

I do believe that Ray does want to call you every night.

everybody wants to go home. But, that is a nice dream.

Yes, when will let go of the guilt? Who knows. I imagine that is a hard one. Mixed with grief. the loss of what was or could have been.

I always keep you in my prayers. I pray for Ray and you Mum also.

Ruth