winter..humbug
Entry posted by swilkinson
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I just hate the sound of the wind howling, the rain slashing, the waves (two streets over) hitting the rocks and that lonesome feeling that comes calling again. Why am I alone, why am I here by myself, where are the friends and family that should be supporting me? I know they all wish me well but that is the extent of their care. I so hate being alone some days.
I have been out to see Ray as usual. A wet Saturday and not a lot of visitors are around because of the weather. There are music videos on in both the lounge rooms so you take a choice, country and western or an old Barry White concert? Settled for the country and western as some of those romantic love songs get to me now. It would be okay if it was just the two of us, seems so WRONG in the nursing home setting. Yes, I am taking things too personally today but that happens sometimes.
What do you do about the problem of being alone? One of the old friends we have made since Ray has been at the nursing home expressed it this way today: "I hate it when all the family tell me they are busy with their own stuff and I just wish I could have half the life they have." Yes, the jealousy bug has me again too. I want that warm fire and a big cuddle, or why get out of bed at all on the wet winter Saturday? In the old days we would have been snuggled up, not sitting primly side by side with Ray, slipping forward in his wheelchair and sleeping yet again while I watch a video in the middle of the morning. Did I mention it all seems so wrong?
I do get sick of being Pollyanna, I know that is my personality but sometimes even I get sick of trying to be upbeat, trying to have a smile on my face, seeing others having a good time...well you get the picture. Another session on the pity pot. I've had a tiring week. I guess attending two funerals, a lot of rain and not much happy company has something to do with how I feel. I know that sooner or later the sun will be back and I will feel better but for the moment my mood is as gray as the skies.
Mum was very quiet this week. We went to the church service in one of the big lounge rooms together on Thursday and one of her room mates was parked in her comfy chair behind Mum's comfy chair. This lady is mostly silent now but she chatted to herself all through the service, or rather not to herself but to her old friend Betty, gone for 22 years now. The talk went something like: "gabble gabble gabble, Betty, what do you think?". I know none of it made a lot of sense and it was silly to be excited about it but I haven't hear this lady talk so much in a long time so it was good to hear her vocalising. I guess I really miss that with Mum.
Sometimes when I am in a "poor me" mood I reach out to others.If I am lonely I can guess that some of my widowed friends will be feeling lonely too. That mustn't have been so as I rang four of them, left four messages on answer-phones and only one rang back. So obviously some families are doing something with their oldies. Or maybe, the day being the way it was, they were doing what I should have done, curled up in a warm bed and sleeping through the day. Even the cats next door were asleep when I went over to feed them. Note to self - sleep the next rainy day away.
I was able to contact an old work colleague who has had a rare kind of stroke called a "spinal stroke". Apparently it is caused by a blockage in the veins that feed the bottom of the spine so renders the person a paraplegic. She has been in hospital and rehabilitation unit just on six months and is finally seeing some progress. She has feeling but no movement below the waist. She said she had driven a car for the first time using just hand controls and had been told she could probably go back to driving when she gets home. Her home has to be modified a great deal and she knows that could take a while but she has plenty of therapy to keep her busy.l was glad to catch up with her as we had been good friends when we worked together.
Maybe I need to re-arrange my life again, try to think of something new to do or do something in a new way. Maybe it is time for an outlandish new hairdo or maybe when the rain goes away I might go get that massage. I've always got plenty to do, some days I just don't have the energy to do it.
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