Sometimes we need to learn to compromise (urge to kill)
Entry posted by SandyCaregiver
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So, a therapist was showing me how to do a heel stretch today, and I made the mistake of not just saying yes, but saying, "it's harder for me to do it like that, because (long explanation about how our bed and bedroom is laid out). To which his idea was to just shove this or that out of the way, which I explained that everything in the house is already shoved out of the way, and there was no place left to shove, as it would only block another thing we'd need later. He kept insisting why did I need this here or there, and admonished me that 'sometimes we need to learn to compromise' - yes, that's me, the one with the home from the magazine cover that won't relent from her 'perfect' arrangement. I feverishly looked around for an empty wall I could get to, to beat my head against, in hopes that cracking my head open would prevent me from throttling him. I wish I could get into my large walk in closet, but things are shoved against it, and I now stack my clothes on top of those things. It would be great to move this chest to block the bathroom door, perfect! What I'd like to have said, was:
1. When my husband left rehab, they gave me a long list of things they thought would be helpful, it was a list of nursing homes... as most people would not dream of trying to care for someone in this condition on their own.
2. Don't assume that I'm so selfish that I wouldn't inconvenience myself or how I want things, for my husband, you're too late to assume such a thing. Every room in my newly decorated house is out of kilt, for him, and the 50 pound chest at the bottom of the bed you want to move, is loaded with 4 types of diapers, male guards, disposable bed pads of all sizes, quick changes of clothes, shoes, socks, wipes - everything I need to get him up and going. But, I'm not going to announce my hubby's bathroom problems in a crowd. Even so, if that weren't true, there is still no place to shove it, this is not a mansion and we have arranged things and pushed things, to where his wheelchair can get to the bed.
3. Don't assume that I'm so stupid that I only needed YOU to explain that I could shove it out of the way. Oh my! Now why didn't MY poor little weak brain think of that? Maybe because it's a poor little girlie brain, and you have that great big guy brain that knows so much more than little ol' me.
4. I despise how a doctor/therapist/whoever looks for what would be 100% best for the one that they are treating, and hit a complete blind spot for what WE need to be able to do the job effectively. Picture them scanning area and when they get to where I am, a blank spot appearing over my face...grrrr.... caretaker = invisible. What we need to function and keep going, our own health problems, and energy levels are invisible, and no excuse for not giving more. Reminds me of the lady who I had told how much the meals on wheels have meant to us, as I didn't have to shop for those foods and drag them home, prepare them, nor clean up after (unlike the other foods I give all day). To which she replied, "why can't you make that meal yourself, while he is napping".
5. As we all know, those of us who are sole caregivers for massively handicapped people are not living a life of compromise. That would infer both parties benefited somewhat, and there was give and take. We live a life of total sacrifice. But I lie.... I do get something from it..... I get to have my hubby with me, which is what I want. The other day, he said in aphasia talk, 'you have a horrible job', and made a grimace with his face. I replied, "I only want to be with you".
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