No feed back but hang on in there you got lots of years on the job now and it's all part of the life of a stroke survivor with a great wife in front of them!!!

Life gets better with time, lots of time and you'll still be young just real tired! physically!!

Nancy, one thing I have heard here on the board is a caregiver does not have to put up with abuse. Whether it was intentional or not, survivors like toddlers sometimes need a little tough love.

I know Dan has his issues with the stroke but hey, you sure do a lot for him and are to be commended.

I hope he continues to improve.

Take care,

Julie

Hi Nancy, I know you do so much for Dan, I enjoy reading your blogs. I think that you may have to be a little more tough, some times love hurts. I used to run my husband so bad, he come from a 10hour day off work, then cook, wash and keep the place clean. Yet I could only thing of my needs,and I was never a selfish person. I am much better, time is the healer.

Things will get better

God bless

Yvonne

I think the term you needed was "Back off Buddy" and you shout it in a sargent-major voice. Ray would do what I called "herding", he would want a whole lot of stuff done at once. I would have to stand tall and say: "one wife, one job, choose one and I will do it or I'll go back to what I was doing, shall I ?" I guess what I was saying was "I'm busy and I will get to what you want me to do when I have time."

We would all like a house-slave who does exactly what we want done as soon as we want it done. None of us can have that OCD, stroke affected or not.

(((hugs))) Sue.

In your situation I would have already blown a fuse big time. I don't have to deal with those type of behaviors so I can't give much in the way of suggestions. I just think that basic respect is required and when he doesn't give it to you, you have to call him on it.

I am curious about something you said. If you cut back on some of the "catering" how do you think it will set things back to the beginning? Just asking for clarification because whatever fears you harbor there might provide insight into the situation you are in with him now. Or, perhaps, it is just something for you to reflect on privately and not necessarily answer here.

People with the mental capacity of a toddler cannot be running households (although far too many actual toddlers do!). So I am right with you that some new guidelines need to be set. He can't be treated like a child because he is not a child even though the mental capacity issue is there. But toddlers having tantrums generally don't get attention in their tantrum and only get what they want when it is appropriate and when they learn to ask nicely (respectfully). They have to accept limitations. We all have to accept limitations. So you do what is necessary to keep him safe and try to withdraw attention when he is demanding. I like Sue's response. "One wife, one job, choose one..." So simple, so complete.

Deep breaths and best wishes...~~Donna

Nancy: I do remember the early days. Now, pre-stroke Bruce had the patience of a saint. And that certainly now, is back. In the SNF I noticed that he never used "magic" words. This was the term we used raising Britt: please, thank you, etc. And Bruce was certainly polite. Speech advised me that with having difficulty finding his words, he was using the shortest verbal route to communicate. So I just said, "Magic word." I had to do it yet this morning - so obviously this is ongoing.

I find with Bruce it is a matter of being afraid of forgetting. He doesn't mean "now", it is just "I noticed this and it will need your attention." It took me a long time to understand this. In the early months, yes, it was right now! And I know it was because if I can forget, so can you. He was dealing with the deficiencies he was recognizing in his own brain.

Just two years ago when Bruce's Baclofen was increased and his Ditropan was not, Bruce was incontinent all the time. Leo was sure it was intentional. Our darling Jen insisted it was the medications.

Nancy: I know Bruce and I know in my mind and heart what he is capable of. There are times when I certainly thought it was intentional, but then I searched my heart and knew, without a doubt, that something else was going on. With advise I got from here, it was obvious that the "wicking" quality of the Depends probably prevented Bruce from knowing he was wet.

You know Dan. His "essence" is in there. You can break this down, with some time and distance. And from there you build your plan and routine. I am making sure Bruce is washed, dressed and in his AFO before I leave the house. Bruce will refuse the AFO and even wash up with the caregivers. I understand that. He spent so many months - years, dropping his pants on demand to anyone who was taking care of him. And he is done with that. But he still has difficulty with "feeling" the affected leg. I need room to work with him and so often find that he is standing on my foot. I often have to move the affected leg to allow room. So you go with what you know and then insist on some patience, and the "magic words." Centers them. Makes them understand that they are a part of a team and community. You are not polar. You live here and have a life and a responsiblity to your family and your community.

Break it down honey. In your heart I know that you know the behavior is not deliberate. Don't jump when he tells you something. Acknowledge his statement. Yes, I heard you and I will get to it. And I won't forget, promise. Debbie

Nancy, I wonder if it's part of the sequencing problem. The lint is blocking him. When he sees you are going to get it, he's free! That doesn't help you one bit, though! I think the cueing of what comes next is always upon us. Like, "ok, I'm going to get the lint, but you stay there till I say it's ok to go - stay there, stay there, stay... ok, let's go". There just is no way out of cueing someone constantly that has this problem. One second you think they will sit there and wait on you, but they won't. Hope your foot is better and not bruised and sore!

Lord, I am thankful Bob is not lint cognizant, or I'd be in hell 24/7 in this lint trap, cathair ball and dustball house!

Debbie and Sandy you are so much nicer than me. I noticed with Ray that if I spoke softly he didn't take any notice of me, it was the short sharp command that made the difference with him. I call it the "startle factor".

You can try it soft or sharp and see which way works for you.

Sue.

ACTUALL, Sue, I do have speak very precisely to Bob. I'm thinking we all do, or it is just a singsong nonsensical thing like when the parents speak on a Charlie Brown cartoon! I have to use few words, and speak distinctly, to be sure he is getting them, notice I keep repeating to stay, stay, stay - to make sure he is still hearing it, and the idea doesn't get away from him!

Unfortunately, I believe Bob has entered the "devil may care" phase and is feeling invinsible. That means he will have the luxury of not listening to me and doing what he feels like, with me cleaning up the result!