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Nursing Home Life

Well Nursing Home life isn't easy for Dan or myself. I continue to visit daily during my noon hour. It is bitter sweet. My sister notices everytime I return from a visit on the weekend how sad I am. I can't seem to let go of our prestroke lives. I never realized how co- dependant I was. Almost 5 years out now. The first two taking care of Dan at home was fabulous, no it wasn't - right--- the refusals the not drinking the not eating -- on and on.. But for a bit I tricked myself into the rose colo

nancyl

nancyl

I tried to blog but lost the feed

and it was a good one... I wanted to check in and say - HI -- I am OK, Dan is OK... surviving... I will write when I can get a good internet feed..... Nancy

nancyl

nancyl

sister

I think I told you all in another blog that my sister moved from CO. to be with me. She is the baby of the family, so her and I are learning about each other. And we have been almost non stop seperation from one another. We are both living a little like teenagers. Neither one of us had a adult life before marrying, and taking care of kids. So we go out a lot ( more than we should) and we have been adopted by a group of older men, which sounds a little bad , but it is not that way, I promise. J

nancyl

nancyl

Brilliance or Not - probably not....

My brother said this to me and it is how I deal with that wonderful guilt ( ok in small doses , not so good when you choke on it) so my brother said. You deal with you and getting better, God is dealing with Dan. If you could have fixed him, he would be fixed. If you could have made him happy , he would be happy. You did the very best you could, and now it is time to let go. I agree. We all have Bible guilt. But bear in mind many people who survive medical issues today, would not have in the bib

nancyl

nancyl

Learning to let go.

I am not sure when I will or if I can, like colleen I am enjoying my alone time. I was asked by my counselor why I took care of Dan to such a extreme. ?? Well, promises mean something to me. I try never to break one, my word IS my bond. Old time rule I know but I guess I am a old-time gal. I take care of him because a 30 yr marriage is something. He is father to my children and I know no-one in his family would. Not one person in his family would co-ordinate good nursing care - or even research

nancyl

nancyl

change may have been an OK thing

I feel so much better- finally- med changes-- lamictal , Effexor and abilify --- i have been weaned iff the nortrytriptylen... thank goodness i have done nothing but eat, now i at least feel sensations again. Putting Dan in the nursing home has been good for him and I. To stubborn and stupid on my part to what needed to be done. if any newbies happen to read this..... Be careful ! 24/7 with a severly affected love one, can be done..... but a mental illness can creep up on you. Mine sure did...

nancyl

nancyl

Dans turn

Dan is doing good in the nursing home, he does his best to "guilt me." the look of disappointment when I say it is time for me to get going. I usually spend my lunch hour with him and then come back and spend some time with him. We watch wheel of fortune , the news and whatever old sitcom that comes on. usually i spend about 1.5 hours in the evening. And it is hard to differentiate both worlds. Plain out hard. But necessary.   My survival depends on keeping both worlds apart. Blending them is

nancyl

nancyl

return to life

To many of you who have helped me over my obstacle I say THANK YOU. Of course there has been many obstacles. I am referring to two . One placing Dan in the nursing home and two my depression.I am unsure which is/was the hardest. I take meds - thank goodness for them , undoubtedly I would be dead if I didnt have the medication available . I seem to have more good days than bad. I also need to be conscience of mania. The kids all know to be on the alert for it. It is sorta humiliating having to as

nancyl

nancyl

You can, until you can't anymore

I cared for Dan until I couldn't any more. I visit him,I love him -But man- o- man , this is hard. It is hard because I am his everything . He lights up when i walk into his room. But that responsibility is hard on anyone. It kinda like a toddler who has figured out the daycare routine, and dosent like mom leaving. But that stage passes as the child gets older.   I know this sounds critical of my husband, He is cognitively impaired, as well as hemi paralyzed. He has the worst case of OCD tha

nancyl

nancyl

a little bit better...i think..

so I was manic- possible for the last 4 years when dan stroked and mom died and so began the worst year EVER --2011, In investigating - how long was i "out" i get different answers from different people. but a few people swear that i "flipped" 4 years ago. Not obviously- but, bit by bit and day by day. It is odd to think of all i have accomplished while "out"... and i have clear remberences of what i did when i did it. And the slow shift into a manic state happened . the peak of the manic stag

nancyl

nancyl

dog chasing her tail

As some of you know ( probably everyone who has read my blog ) - After Dans catastrophic stroke 4 years ago, I have done and tried everything in our power and budget... Researched as much as I could get my hands. Prayed, pushed, cried , and tried to" will" my husband all better. It did not work out, at all. Sadly I finally relinquished Dan to the nursing home. And that is not easy( nothing has been for the last 4 years. Almost a year ago I started to go manic- I had no idea, I had entered a ma

nancyl

nancyl

What he heck was that ?

So I had a seizure on the 4th of July…it was complex partial. Scarey as you know what. It started by feeling light headed then it made me twitch like every where i would look it would "flash". I was trying to lay my head down on the counter close my eyes. But the twitching wouldn't let me…. I did manage to say to my sister I think i am having a seizure. then my head shot back and i couldn't breathe for just a moment - emily was hollering for a friend to help her . They unplugged the neon light a

nancyl

nancyl

it just never ends

Dan is sick - I came into the nursing home room and found shivering . I got out the quilt and covered him up , the we snuggled for a bit. But he was really shivering. so I told the nurse. But the scary part our youngest Beth has the chicken pox- and she was with dan at her most contagious. Right before the breakout. We have no idea how she got exposed and she was vaccinated for it. So now shingles for Dan could be in" the cards of life". One more crappy deal… Dan and I for that matter are both

nancyl

nancyl

OMG - I am gonna live.. warning a bit graphic

Finally , finally - it has taken 8 weeks of medication but I can officially say I do feel human again… The past year is a complete blur, I can recall specifics but the snap shot of the last year is gone. Heck it seems to have taken the last 4 years with it. So severe depression has proven to be the most awful thing. I would rather have gone through labor and delivery of a child daily than live out a depressed day… Depression - what a painful and awful thing. It does have a bit of beauty in that

nancyl

nancyl

Nuances

people who have followed my blog know a bit about my depression. and so I am happy to say I managed to do the drive and got my sister. But through out the drive my ears rang. I am so happy to have her. It really is a pity that I had the need for family in a way that i can not describe. as we drove i would have the temporary moments where I felt "normal". then the reminder of the ears ringing would start up - reminding me there is something wrong with me. So it seems the answer to peoples questi

nancyl

nancyl

Tough love and tough stuff

Dan has done well at the nursing home… but the other shoe had to drop. I was greeted by tears yesterday." I just want to go home, please go home." It was heart wrenching… It is all I can do to just not take him home. I love him, and oh my gosh i care for him. But I held strong and said i can't honey - i can't my brain is broken- It is to much for me to do. he cried we both cried. I left a very upset man to return to work ( i go there for my lunch hour). But as i promised i returned when I got of

nancyl

nancyl

managing

Dan is doing OK at the nursing home. Of course it is not a ideal situation. But it is a necessary one. He is a lot of work. and at the home he has multiple people to pick on. He doesn't mean to be so difficult , but he is, everything has to be "just so". I am continuing to progress in my recovery from the depression. It is odd to have " issues" - the last 6 months are kinda a blur. I certainly have complete recall, but not a snapshot. If that makes any sense at all. Depression is a odd thing i

nancyl

nancyl

holding my own

as the title says… I am holding my own, I have not felt "detached" for 2 days…. what a gift… I still feel like i am underwater, but attached to mankind. I know the metaphor is hdd to grasp , but for me it is the description i can give… my eyes and ears still are not right and i still have the jolted feeling ( like I had just touched an electric fence)… but after all the stuff depression has thrown at me, I am still standing. Thank God for medications -- without them i would no longer be here.. l

nancyl

nancyl

Hello - again

Hi everyone….. It has taken me a long time to feel well enough to blog… I have had a "bout of mental illness " turns out i was depressed. None of the usual symptoms so became harder to diagnose… my illness is / was "situational " a direct link to the year 2011 -- when my whole world hit the fan, and some of my world splattered itself clean into the year late 2014 and 2015…… I have what is called melancholic depression - that was "fueled" by cortisol. most antidepressants today are designed to s

nancyl

nancyl

trying to glue shattered glass, while blind

so the lexapro finally has the anxiety under control …… so i don't sit and just tingle and be hypervigilent all day… I went to the doc the other day who just gave me the most genuine smile and a sigh. H e said I wasn't sure I would see you again. Apparently many people who enter the blackness I did just never come out of it or commit suicide… I guess I have been suffering from the true black depression , not the blues but the kind that actually alters your reality..mine did… my body felt literal

nancyl

nancyl

still struggling

I still have no idea what is wrong with my "head" .. I guess if is a combination of both the grief, and depression and some ptsd or something… lexapro seems to help a bit with all the anxiety but it doesn't help me connect with my body… this discombobulation is awful … all i can do is what i have been doing -- hanging on barely… hoping for the day i feel a bit more like "me"… and not a person watching a show about me.. nancyl

nancyl

nancyl

Lots and lots of thinking...

AAAHHHHHGGGHHHHAAA - ( sigh) the sound of my heartbeat goes on, but make no doubt my hear tis broken---- I am trying so hard to cope with all of this… But for some reason I just can't do it… I went to talk to the priest ( dans ) - i am not catholic- but for all intents and purposes i guess i am 30 years of going to church should qualify me for something… I THINK - and bear with me I am a work in progress…. that I am gonna go ahead and place Dan in the nursing home… He now hold that as a trump ca

nancyl

nancyl

LOST

I am so totally lost - dazed, confused, but mostly fried…. or mentally ill…. I have no idea and neither do the docs… so yes for sure my adrenal glands are in over drive… but docs disagree on what if anything to do… my kidneys have a a cyst ( not to uncommon) but requires more evaluation…. I feel as if I can't breathe, but i can…. My heart feels like it s breaking all the time… My memory is shot …… BURNT - is probably the right word… I think of a drug addict and the way they act, and that is how

nancyl

nancyl

I owe a blog - not just to everyone here- but to myself

I have been petty diligent about blogging until the last few months - life has taken a turn for me… I feel like I am living in a surreal world, - we know I don not have a brain tumor ( MRI done) - we know my blood work is messed up my liver enzymes are up and my kidney function is down… we know my thyroid is "normal". although I have many symptoms of a thyroid storm… I had a ultrasound of my liver done and i am set to have a ct scan of the liver when i get home. I and Dan are in AZ right now -

nancyl

nancyl

Trying to move on

I haven't posted in a long time. I just can't hardly do the sadness anymore… Strokes like Dans are so all encompassing that it is for the most part all i have been living and breathing. And I think I have suffocated myself with it… so i have been going out more, doing more and unspoiling the baby as my girlfriend says… Dan has been getting his meds adjusted.. who new set of meds so he has been tired and despondent. I have no idea whether or not to expect light at the end of the latest medication

nancyl

nancyl