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Tough love and tough stuff



Dan has done well at the nursing home… but the other shoe had to drop. I was greeted by tears yesterday." I just want to go home, please go home." It was heart wrenching… It is all I can do to just not take him home. I love him, and oh my gosh i care for him. But I held strong and said i can't honey - i can't my brain is broken- It is to much for me to do. he cried we both cried. I left a very upset man to return to work ( i go there for my lunch hour). But as i promised i returned when I got off of work. he said lets go - ( many times this is the outing for the day)-- so we got him ready and we went to our daughters. he played so nice with weston. and we watch a movie together ( odd i can't even remember what it was). And then it was time to go, Dan gave me the sorrowful look that just breaks my heart. He got up and we returned to the nursing home. He was sullen, but understood.

On friday I take off to CO to get my sister.. pretty sure i can drive it in a day. It will be nice to have someone to split duties with. another person helping out with dan eases my load. and for some reason he has always let her help him. She really is family, or Dan would protest.

My depression continues it's "game" with me. ears ringing,intrusive thoughts. Working is really a gift. I think a med adjustment might be called for. I see the script nurse on thursday, will see what her thoughts are.I don't have the "drunk feeling" any more - mostly it is the head underwater feeling… I really am a broken person, but there is the small gift of appreciating the "good" moments. Still I would give every thing I own just to have the old days back…. not a option - and i keep coming back to it - intrusive thought- . So will continue my journey of depression… nancyl


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Nancy, you would never have had the good day with Dan yesterday, if you had not put him in there.   He was convinced that the stroke made it ok for him to say and do anything he felt like.   Now we see he IS capable of acting so much better.    I know you love him, and always will, but this is your best shot of getting quality days with Dan - when he is on his best behavior, because he sees you can't handle his antics anymore.   You did the right thing Nancy, and you got yesterday as a reward for that.   Love you and know in my heart that it is better for Dan also.

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For one I will never know how you are feeling but based on my feelings for myself in my condition I can only imagine how Dan feels being a stroke survivor too!! It's hard, very hard for any couple in our situations...


May the Good Lord BLESS ALL of us the rest of our days in these conditions!!! Amen...

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Nancy :


I am so sorry for what you are going through & pray for better days. though I agree with Sandy by keeping him nursing home you were able to have good day with him. no one including stroke survivor is allowed to manipulate their caregiver. you have to be nice to your caregiver



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Stick to your guns, so to speak, Nancy.  You know he is being cared for and you are visiting and monitoring his well being.  You would not be able to take care of yourself with him at home 24/7.


I'm happy you will have your sister moving to N.D.  You still have a lot on your plate with the move, sale of your home, etc.





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Nancy, My heart hurts for you. I know this is hard but we must do what is best for all parties involved in this situation. Mike and I have talked extensively about this and we have decided that if there ever comes a time that we cannot care for each other that a nursing home would be the best decision. I know it is not easy but just know that you are doing what needs to be done to ensure quality of life for both of you! I know he wants to come home but he also knows deep down inside that he can't right now. I pray for you and Dan that you will find peace in the decision and for his continued progress. Love and ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))).

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My heart breaks for you. I know I could not bear it either. Hopefully some will check in here who have gone through it and can offer their advice or sympathies, certainly. One day at a time. Debbie

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Nancy, I have one question that keeps bugging me.   I know you said you are moving because one person doesn't need 5 bedrooms... but neither do 2 people.   You bought a huge house for family visits, right?   Won't that still be an issue?   Of course, I realize finances may be a big factor here, just want to make sure you are thinking right about why you bought 5 bedrooms, and not just getting rid of them because of Dan - he wasn't the reason you got a big house.  How will family visits work in a small home?   Again, finances may be the reason that you need to, don't know.   Most people don't host something that big anyway, just giving some feedback since I know you may not be thinking as clearly these days.

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Sandy - it is a house of broken dreams. No one wanted to stay when they came- everyone wanted to go aprils. robert and the grandchildren were the only ones who would stay . and dan could "permeate" the house with his sullenness . (Colleen knows, she has felt it)-- this the smaller home is not tiny - just normal sized 3 bedroom. It is weird to have had a dream house - that became a house of broken dreams . finances are a factor as well. But even all the money in the world can't give me back -"anything of true value" my husband and my mom… and the lost time…. I have learned more intimately - things are things and really mean nothing ( i always knew this but i learned it on a whole other level ). In short life sucks- a lot.. i say that with some attitude. But it is what it is - and if i could have changed it - i would have, i can't so somewhere somehow i have to learn to adapt. Its just that I have to adapt - to something all the time - and not the "normal" somethings - big somethings……nancyl 

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I do agree, it's time to move on and start over.  A fresh slate is what you need right now. Things are too tangled up!


At this point, I long to downsize myself.  It's all too much sometimes.

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