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nancyl

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Dan is doing OK at the nursing home. Of course it is not a ideal situation. But it is a necessary one. He is a lot of work. and at the home he has multiple people to pick on. He doesn't mean to be so difficult , but he is, everything has to be "just so".

I am continuing to progress in my recovery from the depression. It is odd to have " issues" - the last 6 months are kinda a blur. I certainly have complete recall, but not a snapshot. If that makes any sense at all. Depression is a odd thing it affects each person in such a individual way that identifying it is difficult. it is things like i got water in my ear while showering . so i had that clogged feeling most of the day. It became kinda mind game in that - my depression can give me random symptoms like that, or is it just water in the ear? It was water in the ear, but to have to double think everything - even simple things is kinda scary . But as time is going i am seeing less random issues, and am getting better. And I thank God for that. expression reminded me of what a gift it is just to have a sound mind. It was no fun being hyper vigilant all the time. that is a awesome thing to have when it is needed in a emergency, but 24/7 . no that was no fun at all. the meds seem to be getting the cortisol in check so each day i notice less "jolted". and my depression is not the first thing i think of everyday- it is the second i keep my pills next to my bed where I have no possibility of forgetting them.

Learning - relearning to take care of me, put myself first is much harder that one would think. I married young had children young, worked hard, made sure bills got paid, put food on the table, took care of Dan ( by far the hardest thing i have ever done). So the ME that needs to be taken care of is a very new thing for me.

My kids are supportive, they have missed "this Nancy" the engaged Nancy who isn't to self absorbed with the depression. The mom you can talk to, and give some advice. But 4 years of care taking for Dan - who has been so difficult has taken a large toll on me.

I guess one can say I really crashed and burned. But I can walk away from the "wreck ( my breakdown)" knowing I did absolutely humanly possible. And the care of Dan is beyond my scope of abilities, to the level that his needs demand.

But please people who are care taking , it is a big job and a "breakdown" really sneaks up on you.

One of the funnier things that I do see is…. I look back and I think my care taking for Dan "should have worked"- I just don't see where my plan went wrong. I can see it obviously can't be done, so I won't try again but I just can't see the "flaw" ( where it went wrong) in my taking care of Dan. Isn't that just the darndest thing. ( it is to me). And I know I am way to close to the situation- and others can see the obvious, but me, I can't… All I can do is shrug my shoulders and take a deep breath. And know I gave it my ALL..

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Nancy,

 

 

i understand your feelings with Dan at the nursing home, my wife is the same exact way if that choice has to be made by her... In my case it is like my health condition has gone down a bit in what I'm now able to do for myself and her still working a 40 hour job at the bank...

 

I know you have given it your all even quitting work some time ago and the move to another location...I'm thinking my wife and care giver is coming into that same path with my physical condition change and more has to be determined on what I will be able to do by myself...

 

I'm looking at her and saying "baby, don't worry about me, I'll be alright, do what you must, I'm OK!!! I can get around slowly and still use my scooters and drive so to me, I'm OK and my hired help is near the end which is OK with me.. But, I can't help but to think about Dan and being at the nursing home... Take care, Fred King!! 

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You did all you could do!  There's no reason to think otherwise, or apologize.  You made Dan's transistion as comfortable as possible, so what more could anyone ask?

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I'm so glad to hear you are improving again!   You are on the right track to becoming 'Nancy' the mother, the friend, the confidant and yes, still Nancy the Caregiver.   You will never lose the part of you that looks out for Dan, but you have the support you need to do the 'heavy lifting' on such a difficult case.   Keep improving Nancy, luv you!

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Nancy :

 

i AGREE FULLY WITH sandy. please take care of yourself. you are equally important person. If you go down nothing good will come out of that. just because someone else is doing heavy lifting your role as caregiver does not end. So take care of you & that inner soul of yours.

 

Asha

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Thank You to all- for your words of encouragement. I am lying here thinking about my life. Yes my life and how I almost lost it. In some ways i did. Contemplating suicide because of the anguish I was in was a terrible place to have been. I have never been happy go lucky ( way to practical for that), but certainly never had a serious suicide thought till the anguish over powered me. I am still unsure what stopped me. I have learned the things one would think would stop someone- don't really seem relevant at the moment of the "thought". and that in itself is scary . the little safeguards one thinks would prevent the "thought". Nobody mattered- nobody. what did seem to help was thinking i am not going to answer that door. and then the practicality of dealing with my remains- . At my bleakest moment those were my "stoppers". strange it wouldn't be thought of family, I think it because i had in my own mind become a burden . I was no longer Nancy- the depression swept her away. coming back into my body has been so nice. I had developed some sort of disassociation condition. I had always felt i was a third person observation of me in the depression. very strange… but i guess common enough, we really do disconnect if the pain is great enough. So i was me, but not me. now i feel connected to the human race which includes family , friends and LIFE in general. when i was in the psych ward, a doctor found out i was a avid reader. He recommended a book called the noonday demon by andrew solomon. his was a pulitzer prize finalist. so pretty good reading. I am so thankful for that book. I liken it to lamaze class ( the class a couple takes when preparing for labor and delivery of a child.) . The book self can not stop the pain, but it guides you through it like a map. You see glimpses of yourself in each case he writes about. And when you are depressed and the symptoms are so random you just gotta know you are not alone. I mean i even got pimples ( and i have great skin) while in the psych ward. All body functions are depressed with you. Especially the endocrine system. Depression what a terrible and yet interesting experience. Intresting in that I had no clue - none about what a real depression is… and again mine is different from others- because depression seems to hit you in your particular aras of both strength and weakness. Right now one of the struggles i have is verbally - my "eloquence " of words. I can't find the word while talking so I end up have to explain in a way that doesent really have any eloquence . To me that bothers , to the next person probably not. And since it does not matter to the next person , it will not be affected. I also have Reply inhibition . meaning it is very difficult me to do the gentle explanation. And find telling the little white lie or keep my mouth shut very difficult. so verbally I am a idiot who can't quit talking … It is improving . I am back at work i went back as soon as i could- everyone else is at work, so i should be to. Sitting at home ( actually my daughters basement) by myself is not a good idea. the remodel of the little house is continuing . and the big house is up for sale. It has a pretty big price tag, so it will sit till the right person comes looking and is looking at homes with a larger price tag..then it will sell cause it really is a very nice house. For me it was only a house, Dans willful ability to suck the life out of a person. prevented the house from ever becoming a home. The little house ( and even that house isn't super little ) hopefully will become home. In 5 days i drive to CO to pick up my sister who is moving up to ND. Her youngest is on his own now and she is leaving a marriage that went bad years ago. So moving " home" to ND . will be a great thing for her and I. Originally it was to assist me with Dan. And she still will. But not in our home. I don't know if at any point in time it would be a good idea for him to even visit the new home. So we will go to our daughters house , and restaurants and events . But coming to my home ( yes i said the word - MY ). is probably not a good idea, in the near future.

Depression was the hardest thing i have ever dealt with and easily trumps childbirth. I describe like think of the time you were told your loved one had stroked. And the word _ might not pull through_ are used. Think of the gut wrenching emotional and physical feeling that overwhelmed you at that moment in time. For me that is what depression felt like. and because of the physical symptoms involved you never deviated from the thought very long. It went to bed with me ( and kept me from REM sleep so no true rest) it woke up with me. It was my first thought, the second i woke up. And a constant companion all day long. Relentless and brutal.. Thank God for medications. I also do talk therapy , but because this is truly depression because of a chemical imbalance, it has not had a large impact on me. Just reminders of what i already know…. but I am going to go to her for a good stitch of time. I am afraid of a manic phase that could come calling. And i won't necessarily see the hallmarks of it. So I have to be vigilant about my "hyper vigilance " - lol hyper vigilance is one of the biggest hallmarks.. So I am like a dog chasing it's tail… But I am certainly doing much better. Living in my daughters basement… Nancyl

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Nancy, so good to hear you are taking care of yourself and you have Dan taken care of as well.  I don't know how you did it all those years. Caregiving is so hard to begin with.

 

I too have had times when I thought I would crash as Larry's health issues just kept coming.  The good thing about Larry is he has never been difficult or demanding.  He has been stubborn and unmotivated, but I could deal with it. I feel I will try to take care of Larry here at home as long as I can.  If I can no longer do it with his health issues or mine, then I will have to seek outside help.  Your children are happy for you I'm sure as they do not want to lose both parents to illness.  

 

Take care,

 

Julie

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Nancy continue to take care of yourself.  You can still contribute a lot to Dan's quality of life too, but more now that your own life is on an even keel.  Make the most of your family too.  Devoting yourself to the complete care of someone else is never going to be easy and for people like your Dan maybe impossible is the right word.  So make the most of your life and in doing so you can still enrich the life of others.

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