Dan is doing OK at the nursing home. Of course it is not a ideal situation. But it is a necessary one. He is a lot of work. and at the home he has multiple people to pick on. He doesn't mean to be so difficult , but he is, everything has to be "just so".
I am continuing to progress in my recovery from the depression. It is odd to have " issues" - the last 6 months are kinda a blur. I certainly have complete recall, but not a snapshot. If that makes any sense at all. Depression is a odd thing it affects each person in such a individual way that identifying it is difficult. it is things like i got water in my ear while showering . so i had that clogged feeling most of the day. It became kinda mind game in that - my depression can give me random symptoms like that, or is it just water in the ear? It was water in the ear, but to have to double think everything - even simple things is kinda scary . But as time is going i am seeing less random issues, and am getting better. And I thank God for that. expression reminded me of what a gift it is just to have a sound mind. It was no fun being hyper vigilant all the time. that is a awesome thing to have when it is needed in a emergency, but 24/7 . no that was no fun at all. the meds seem to be getting the cortisol in check so each day i notice less "jolted". and my depression is not the first thing i think of everyday- it is the second i keep my pills next to my bed where I have no possibility of forgetting them.
Learning - relearning to take care of me, put myself first is much harder that one would think. I married young had children young, worked hard, made sure bills got paid, put food on the table, took care of Dan ( by far the hardest thing i have ever done). So the ME that needs to be taken care of is a very new thing for me.
My kids are supportive, they have missed "this Nancy" the engaged Nancy who isn't to self absorbed with the depression. The mom you can talk to, and give some advice. But 4 years of care taking for Dan - who has been so difficult has taken a large toll on me.
I guess one can say I really crashed and burned. But I can walk away from the "wreck ( my breakdown)" knowing I did absolutely humanly possible. And the care of Dan is beyond my scope of abilities, to the level that his needs demand.
But please people who are care taking , it is a big job and a "breakdown" really sneaks up on you.
One of the funnier things that I do see is…. I look back and I think my care taking for Dan "should have worked"- I just don't see where my plan went wrong. I can see it obviously can't be done, so I won't try again but I just can't see the "flaw" ( where it went wrong) in my taking care of Dan. Isn't that just the darndest thing. ( it is to me). And I know I am way to close to the situation- and others can see the obvious, but me, I can't… All I can do is shrug my shoulders and take a deep breath. And know I gave it my ALL..