Hi everyone….. It has taken me a long time to feel well enough to blog… I have had a "bout of mental illness "

turns out i was depressed. None of the usual symptoms so became harder to diagnose… my illness is / was "situational " a direct link to the year 2011 -- when my whole world hit the fan, and some of my world splattered itself clean into the year late 2014 and 2015…… I have what is called melancholic depression - that was "fueled" by cortisol. most antidepressants today are designed to stimulate cortisol . But my body was making a excess amount of it. So the antidepressants of today , just made it worse. ( picture your self in flight or fight all the time ) that is how I felt. Every minute everyday for 6 months. The fight or flight got set off because Dans situations ( the tantrums, the not eating - drinking, refusal to take meds, and the seizures) my body got so used to me being in flight or fight it became the "natural state " of my body. So finally -- after umpteen doctors and attempts at ANYTHING to feel better. I had decided dying was better than living. But I gave it one last shot at survival. My daughter and I had me committed to our local " state hospital " - Mental hospital……. I was a conundrum for most there but one little Psychiatrist ( she was tiny ) figured it out.. and man it has been 3 weeks on a very old med ( amitrptyline ) and i feel so much better. I also take some meds to help me sleep - I was also suffering from parasomnia - ( i wasn't reaching REM sleep ) It took 5 nights of different combos of meds to get me to fall and say asleep… Dan has unfortunately been placed in a nursing home. He is OK, there- ironically Dans meds had been changed back in November helping out his depression.. so he swam out of depression , just as i went swimming in…. I have done a lot of crazy stuff in my depressed state ( nothing to embarrassing , by definatley "out of character " for me…….So what i have learned , depression really can be lethal. and no depression presents the same. And even medical doctors can miss the diagnoses and the seriousness of a situation… I went to so many docs, and the ER - 3 times in the last 6 months. literally begging for help. And was given a bag of IV fluid and sent home and told to relax, it was just "STRESS". Well folks - I had stress alright - stress on steroids, ( literally -since cortisol is a steroid our bodies make ).I have no idea what the future holds for myself or Dan… I am selling by "dream home"- 5 bedrooms for just me is ridiculous… and the market is good here so it will all work out….. I am having a smaller house remodeled for me. Dan will come and stay on occasion, but not for a while he needs to get acclimated to the nursing home. It sucks and none of it is "fair" but as I said the year 2011- hit the fan so hard- it splattered into - TODAY- … But all of us either dealing with or suffering from stroke , have had their lives splattered into the present day….. So I am feeling a lot better ( at least I am human again) I thank all of you for the personal messages,… I apologize for not responding, I was just to wrapped up in the anguish of the depression… I will add more later…. but Hello everyone - nice to be able to blog something a whole lot better than past blogs….( it is what it is )