I cared for Dan until I couldn't any more. I visit him,I love him -But man- o- man , this is hard. It is hard because I am his everything . He lights up when i walk into his room. But that responsibility is hard on anyone. It kinda like a toddler who has figured out the daycare routine, and dosent like mom leaving. But that stage passes as the child gets older.

I know this sounds critical of my husband, He is cognitively impaired, as well as hemi paralyzed. He has the worst case of OCD that it borders on ridiculas - I can't spell. lol-- I cry every time I se him, and he is questioning me or talking in aphasia and gesturing asking when he gets to go home, and or when is the next time I take him home . He understands how sick I was , but figures it is time for him to go home. I am better and he see's and decides he should go home or return to our old way. Except the old way almost killed me literally. I let a brain injured man dictate my life. Slowly like the frog in water, i would cave into his request. His needed to control what he could was so compulsive. And I just thought oh well what does it hurt that he wants the blinds all even or the door shut or the bathroom light on , or off, or the steering wheel straight or the speed I would drive or buckeling my seat belt, ( i know i should) he controls the TV the radio in the car, where we would eat. and coke with no ice and what we would eat at a restaurant , and him and i had to share. I like my steak medium while he wants shoe leather done... I could go on and on. But as I write this I realize no wonder I went crazy, I used to be a intelligent independent person, and i was reduced to a humiliating level of service. Oh some call it love, I am now calling it crazy.

Reading what i write makes me sad. For myself and for him. I was the lifeguard and I finally had to kick off the person who was drowning me. I am sad I had to, and have a ton of guilt about it. although in reality if I looked at a friend who was doing what I have done, I would encourage her to knock off the stupidity and take her life back. around town ( rural north dakota) I have been referred to as a "saint". At first flattering and then choking on it know. Standards I can't live up to. Not fair I cry not fair. I want so much more than this. I have a mundane cycle

I go to work, visit Dan at lunch hour, visit him after work. then to home I go basically eat a little something than go to bed. At my work I little interaction with people. My boss is great. But the loneliness of my hollow life is overwhelming . Yes I see my daughter , my sister and little Weston man . After I seen Dan. and sometimes I bring him to the house. He gets few visitors as it has been four years since the stroke, and so many seem to think oh is cured now. Really? LOL This is where it would be so wonderful if his family ( siblings and mother) would make the effort to come and see him. But they didn't in the past 4 years so why would that change ? There I am with high expectations .

I seem to be recovering from the depression ,some days are good others are not. When I have days of depression I spin and my ears ring and my thoughts race. And I focus on -the stupid of myself. The guilt is stifling . -- guilt that I know I shouldn't have, but can't in my depressive state let go of it. Intellectually I know but a depressed person just can't let go of anything in that state.... I wonder if I will ever have a guilt free life. I look at my catretaking of dan in the past 4 years at home, and I think why couldn't I have succeeded in my efforts to keep hime home. I just can't see what went wrong... Well as sad as this sounds, and please don't anyone take offense , as Dan and My situation is unique just as every ones is. But I let a severely brain injured man - control everything. Please don't try this at home...