I am not sure when I will or if I can, like colleen I am enjoying my alone time. I was asked by my counselor why I took care of Dan to such a extreme. ?? Well, promises mean something to me. I try never to break one, my word IS my bond. Old time rule I know but I guess I am a old-time gal. I take care of him because a 30 yr marriage is something. He is father to my children and I know no-one in his family would. Not one person in his family would co-ordinate good nursing care - or even research the best place for him. I mean these people never visit now. I can't imagine having no-one. and ultimately we are all dan has. so my 3 reasons. Maybe the are not good ones, i have no idea. But they are mine. Lately my daughter has been treating me like I am still mentally ill. She gives me the judgmental looks. Am I a little nuts. anyone with my issues would be... do I hear a alleluia ? probably spelled that wrong. I am not sure I will return to perestroke Nancy. I don't believe it is possible. I put blinders on to get through the 1st 4 years of the stroke, lost my blinders and seen the truth of it and tried hard not to trip, the blinders had kept me focused. take them away and i could see, and while gawking around, I tripped and fell into a circumstantial mental illness. Now my daughter makes me feel - less than- not on purpose but I can see it in her eyes. we have reversed roles. A thing that happens when you fall flat on your face. But since now I go out with my sister many weekends - ( mind you ND offers little in entertainment) and my daughter is concerned. I ordered a whittling kit.. lo.... to show i am interested in a hobby. which i kinda am. I am enjoying my work but can't push beyond 20 hours a week - i just wash out. But I did help prepare for a fairly large case, and am so proud of my atty I work for. Mind you I come from the criminal justice field so it feels kinda wrong to be part of their defense. But everyone deserves a defense. So I am gonna talk to the boss about an idea I have to accentuate my job. I build a case against while he builds it for. that way he can see the way another might see it. and prepare for it from that perspective. And I can use my instincts in a positive way, by being backwards so to speak...
I picked up the nasty cold - yuck-- but it will be short lived i think. - I am gonna call a friend here in a little bit.
A little bit ago I talked about perestroke Nancy - she had a husband. She had 2 jobs- she had a 14 yr old youngest child to take care of. She had another who was also her best friend and compass . She was responsible. She never ever went out as she worked every weekend and most weekdays to. I easily went 21 days without a day off. She read books - lots of them. She never swayed from her role as wife or mother. She was a terrific plow horse. It sounds hard even then ( probably how I survived ). But now I lost my husband - ( he is so different now) My 14 yr old grew up. My mother died unexpectedly at the time I needed her most ( very selfish I know)- She lost both jobs can't work if you can't go to work. She lost complete structure for her life.
How can anyone go back to who they were. See the kids don't realize I am changed I tried hard not to. With tragedy come change. And I am certainly not exactly who I was. I am not enjoying grandparenting because it requires work. It requires responsibility for a helpless person... I can't care take for one more minute, one more second and April does not understand. In order to survive I have to be selfish. I have been told time after time, take care of you. I am trying but sitting in a basement waiting to go to work is depressing. But it is good my sister is also working through issues, trying to get divorced from a narcissistic , psychopathic idiot with a aeronautic degree with NO common sense or thought of his family. So we are working through our own issues , each of us. I feel bad - she has to bribe him to sign the paperwork to complete the divorce. So she is gonna offer to pay one more month of bills if he will just sign the paperwork... hey will write more later, people in this house are waking up.