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Learning to let go.


nancyl

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I am not sure when I will or if I can, like colleen I am enjoying my alone time. I was asked by my counselor why I took care of Dan to such a extreme. ?? Well, promises mean something to me. I try never to break one, my word IS my bond. Old time rule I know but I guess I am a old-time gal. I take care of him because a 30 yr marriage is something. He is father to my children and I know no-one in his family would. Not one person in his family would co-ordinate good nursing care - or even research the best place for him. I mean these people never visit now. I can't imagine having no-one. and ultimately we are all dan has. so my 3 reasons. Maybe the are not good ones, i have no idea. But they are mine. Lately my daughter has been treating me like I am still mentally ill. She gives me the judgmental looks. Am I a little nuts. anyone with my issues would be... do I hear a alleluia ? probably spelled that wrong. I am not sure I will return to perestroke Nancy. I don't believe it is possible. I put blinders on to get through the 1st 4 years of the stroke, lost my blinders and seen the truth of it and tried hard not to trip, the blinders had kept me focused. take them away and i could see, and while gawking around, I tripped and fell into a circumstantial mental illness. Now my daughter makes me feel - less than- not on purpose but I can see it in her eyes. we have reversed roles. A thing that happens when you fall flat on your face. But since now I go out with my sister many weekends - ( mind you ND offers little in entertainment) and my daughter is concerned. I ordered a whittling kit.. lo.... to show i am interested in a hobby. which i kinda am. I am enjoying my work but can't push beyond 20 hours a week - i just wash out. But I did help prepare for a fairly large case, and am so proud of my atty I work for. Mind you I come from the criminal justice field so it feels kinda wrong to be part of their defense. But everyone deserves a defense. So I am gonna talk to the boss about an idea I have to accentuate my job. I build a case against while he builds it for. that way he can see the way another might see it. and prepare for it from that perspective. And I can use my instincts in a positive way, by being backwards so to speak...

I picked up the nasty cold - yuck-- but it will be short lived i think. - I am gonna call a friend here in a little bit.

 

 

A little bit ago I talked about perestroke Nancy - she had a husband. She had 2 jobs- she had a 14 yr old youngest child to take care of. She had another who was also her best friend and compass . She was responsible. She never ever went out as she worked every weekend and most weekdays to. I easily went 21 days without a day off. She read books - lots of them. She never swayed from her role as wife or mother. She was a terrific plow horse. It sounds hard even then ( probably how I survived ). But now I lost my husband - ( he is so different now) My 14 yr old grew up. My mother died unexpectedly at the time I needed her most ( very selfish I know)- She lost both jobs can't work if you can't go to work. She lost complete structure for her life.

How can anyone go back to who they were. See the kids don't realize I am changed I tried hard not to. With tragedy come change. And I am certainly not exactly who I was. I am not enjoying grandparenting because it requires work. It requires responsibility for a helpless person... I can't care take for one more minute, one more second and April does not understand. In order to survive I have to be selfish. I have been told time after time, take care of you. I am trying but sitting in a basement waiting to go to work is depressing. But it is good my sister is also working through issues, trying to get divorced from a narcissistic , psychopathic idiot with a aeronautic degree with NO common sense or thought of his family. So we are working through our own issues , each of us. I feel bad - she has to bribe him to sign the paperwork to complete the divorce. So she is gonna offer to pay one more month of bills if he will just sign the paperwork... hey will write more later, people in this house are waking up.

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Nancy, I know we've talked but last night you were 100% on my mind.  You will hate this, but that movie Fargo was on and I felt like I was there, which hopefully someday soon I will be.  I was imagining it vividly.  Haha NY vs North Dakota, it would be a nice change.

 

Family can be such a disappointment, because you spend your whole life accomodating them and then when you need help, they're not there.  My family has been so amazing, they are all far away so it was mostly cordial in the past, but when push came to shove they are there 100% plus for us.  More than most can say.  Meanwhile Ray's "narcissistic" family is so far removed from reality, they are more a burden than a help.  I long for the day I can tell them to get lost.

 

When Ray had his breakdown a few years before the stroke, of course family had to know;   but I went to extreme measures to put him in a hospital a half hour away, because our neighbor across the street who works for our local hospital has very loose lips (despite federal regulations).  I also found out at some point that the Zyprexa he was prescribed, which resolved things almost immediately, also had stroke as a side effect.  Live and learn!

 

This group is my compass, to know I'm not alone no matter what happens is so important.  No one else can truly understand what it is like, it's like the worst horror movie you've ever seen and you're living it.  But you have to push forward and try not to scare the new friends either, or they will disappear too.  What a conundrum!

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Nancy - I think the hardest thing for me was being "advised" that I was not making the right decisions for me or for Bruce. And six years out of the gate, that is just so hard to accept. But I am not "accepting," I am adjusting. Big difference, I guess. But I am going to give it a try. Major changes in routine, as you know, are very difficult.

 

You just have to move forward, best you can. I imagine it would be difficult for children to understand that Mommy and Daddy are not invincible. That may take some time to resolve. In the meantime, you and your sister have each other to work through your issues. And really, bless both of you for being there for each other.

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nancy, I can only feel that you are making extraordinarily sensible decisions. and I do believe that you can and should (which my daughter says "should doesn't exist") ) let go not only without guilt but with your feeling that this is the right thing to do.

 

 

best wishes,

david

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I am a fixer of problems, always have been. This particular problem I can't fix. Sadly - letting go so we don't both drown is the only option I have..David thank you - as a stroke victim yourself your opinion matters a great deal, especially in the guilt area of what is right- wrong - and expected.thank you....Nancyl

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Nancy, we cared for our children but we did no teach them to be caregivers, that they have to learn for themselves.  I have one child who cares but from a distance, one who really doesn't care and one who tries hard to care but occasionally misunderstands which is a good track record really.  But he was 15 and living at home when his father first stroked and I did not try to hide the grittiness of life from him so he knew how hard it was.  He is still my rock in my widowhood.

 

I learned from my time with Lifeline (a Suicide Line) as a telephone counselor that not all problems have solutions, some just have to be endured.  Therefore I didn't expect answers, rather I expected work-arounds and that seemed to make life easier in some ways.  Just be true to yourself and do no harm to others and this too will pass.

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Nancy,

I can hear that question asked to many of us.  Why do we go to such an extreme?  I think that is because we are from an older generation where we take our commitments seriously.  Yes.  I cannot imagine anyone else willing to take care of William.  I am afraid that I am the only one around.  So, while I am willing I will be taking care of him.  I know that I have changed my life to adapt to what we have now. But, I have been willing to do that .  I cannot imagine what you are going thru.  But, you are persevering.  Keep going.  It will take awhile.  It took  awhile to get sick and now you will get better.  Bless you.

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Only you really know what is the best solution for you. Trust yourself. This new and improved version of yourself may grow into new roles such as helper to your sister. You have your health,freedom,choices. Leave the drama aside and settle into a routine of moving forward and life will unfold treasures unexpected. We are all supersurvivors here.

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Nancy, please that you have your sister, can lean on each other.  Kids, it is a different age, I 

have seem more questions about Kids, we have different vaules. My husband is my rock,

after I had my stroke, i did him to go find some one who could work, drive, bring in 

money into the relationship.  He said where was he going and remember the marriage vows.

you have been through so much bless you.  

 

My prayers are with you.

 

Yvonne

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