Nancy, I know we've talked but last night you were 100% on my mind.  You will hate this, but that movie Fargo was on and I felt like I was there, which hopefully someday soon I will be.  I was imagining it vividly.  Haha NY vs North Dakota, it would be a nice change.

Family can be such a disappointment, because you spend your whole life accomodating them and then when you need help, they're not there.  My family has been so amazing, they are all far away so it was mostly cordial in the past, but when push came to shove they are there 100% plus for us.  More than most can say.  Meanwhile Ray's "narcissistic" family is so far removed from reality, they are more a burden than a help.  I long for the day I can tell them to get lost.

When Ray had his breakdown a few years before the stroke, of course family had to know;   but I went to extreme measures to put him in a hospital a half hour away, because our neighbor across the street who works for our local hospital has very loose lips (despite federal regulations).  I also found out at some point that the Zyprexa he was prescribed, which resolved things almost immediately, also had stroke as a side effect.  Live and learn!

This group is my compass, to know I'm not alone no matter what happens is so important.  No one else can truly understand what it is like, it's like the worst horror movie you've ever seen and you're living it.  But you have to push forward and try not to scare the new friends either, or they will disappear too.  What a conundrum!

Nancy - I think the hardest thing for me was being "advised" that I was not making the right decisions for me or for Bruce. And six years out of the gate, that is just so hard to accept. But I am not "accepting," I am adjusting. Big difference, I guess. But I am going to give it a try. Major changes in routine, as you know, are very difficult.

You just have to move forward, best you can. I imagine it would be difficult for children to understand that Mommy and Daddy are not invincible. That may take some time to resolve. In the meantime, you and your sister have each other to work through your issues. And really, bless both of you for being there for each other.

nancy, I can only feel that you are making extraordinarily sensible decisions. and I do believe that you can and should (which my daughter says "should doesn't exist") ) let go not only without guilt but with your feeling that this is the right thing to do.

best wishes,

david

I am a fixer of problems, always have been. This particular problem I can't fix. Sadly - letting go so we don't both drown is the only option I have..David thank you - as a stroke victim yourself your opinion matters a great deal, especially in the guilt area of what is right- wrong - and expected.thank you....Nancyl

Nancy, we cared for our children but we did no teach them to be caregivers, that they have to learn for themselves.  I have one child who cares but from a distance, one who really doesn't care and one who tries hard to care but occasionally misunderstands which is a good track record really.  But he was 15 and living at home when his father first stroked and I did not try to hide the grittiness of life from him so he knew how hard it was.  He is still my rock in my widowhood.

I learned from my time with Lifeline (a Suicide Line) as a telephone counselor that not all problems have solutions, some just have to be endured.  Therefore I didn't expect answers, rather I expected work-arounds and that seemed to make life easier in some ways.  Just be true to yourself and do no harm to others and this too will pass.

Nancy,

I can hear that question asked to many of us.  Why do we go to such an extreme?  I think that is because we are from an older generation where we take our commitments seriously.  Yes.  I cannot imagine anyone else willing to take care of William.  I am afraid that I am the only one around.  So, while I am willing I will be taking care of him.  I know that I have changed my life to adapt to what we have now. But, I have been willing to do that .  I cannot imagine what you are going thru.  But, you are persevering.  Keep going.  It will take awhile.  It took  awhile to get sick and now you will get better.  Bless you.

Only you really know what is the best solution for you. Trust yourself. This new and improved version of yourself may grow into new roles such as helper to your sister. You have your health,freedom,choices. Leave the drama aside and settle into a routine of moving forward and life will unfold treasures unexpected. We are all supersurvivors here.

Nancy, please that you have your sister, can lean on each other.  Kids, it is a different age, I 

have seem more questions about Kids, we have different vaules. My husband is my rock,

after I had my stroke, i did him to go find some one who could work, drive, bring in 

money into the relationship.  He said where was he going and remember the marriage vows.

you have been through so much bless you.  

My prayers are with you.

Yvonne