Did you actually tell her these 2 times you have visisted that you HAD to talk to her alone about things that were very important to you, or was she clueless that your visits were just visits? People have to know there is an agenda before they can schedule it?

Sue :

I know feelings of taking care of some projects where stakes are higher if you mess up. I think I will blog about that too. Just wanted to let you know I understand just keep faith & do your best & then go with flow

Asha

I too think it's obvious you will actually have to schedule some time with your daughter, and tell her it's important and she can't cancel once she commits. Maybe go out for a long lunch somewhere, and make it a special mother/daughter occasion.

We are having a giant neighborhood garage sale this weekend; the big house and yard now is a little much for me too. Even though Ray is here, he really can't help, except to butt in and sometimes criticize my womanly ways of doing things. I want to stay here a few more years but I see an "over 55" condo in our future someday. I am dumping all our old "treasures" but neither of us really care anymore, after all we've been through. It feels sort of good, actually. I too was in sales so this kind of event comes naturally to me. Plus several of the neighbors that don't want to be bothered have given me their stuff too and we will split the profits. Since I am also in charge of publicizing it, I have my work cut out for me. You may not hear from me for a few days....but the weather will be gorgeous, and I am putting out a hot dog and chili cart for the neighborhood kids, so it should be fun (and hopefully profitable too).

Sandy, I did tell her both times I needed to sit down and discuss some things with her but her "job" is people in crisis and her prioritiy is to do the job. Maybe I just need to wait until she is ready, whenever that will be.

Sue: I am so glad you decided to go. I do so wish you could reserve a seat on the train ahead of time, would make it so less stressful for that 5 hour trip. It is one thing to be able to sit with your books and knitting, a thermos of tea. Also makes it a bit more disappointing to make the long trip and then not have your time with Shirley. For that I am sorry.

Mary Beth put her head in the sand right after we lost our Mom. Said she could not do advance planning with me as she could not even considering losing me too. So Bruce and I went ahead and made our plans with people we could trust (thank God we did Sue. We were not married when Bruce stroked and if I did not have POA, both of us would have been left out in the cold - especially Bruce, to a 2nd cousin he hadn't seen in years). Of course, now Missy has many opinions and I did it all wrong and have to change it - LOL.

Do your living will and will. Have Trev and Edie witness it and just send Shirley a copy. At least Trev and Edie will know what you want.

As far as your own recovery and acceptance of Mum's and Ray's passings, I know you need her and yes, I agree, it is personal time. It will probably have to be at your house, although I know she gets a lot of interruptions even when she is away. I would suggest meeting maybe half way for a mother-daughter overnight at a small inn. Ask her to please leave the cell phone off or have someone cover for her for 24 hours. That may be possible. Hubby could call you if there were a family emergency.

After seeing that brand new handicap Condo last weekend has made me more comfortable in considering relocating. When Mary Beth's birds leave the nest, she will definitely be relocating and I can't foresee where that will take her, but I do know, come some time in the near future, I too will have to down size. Start looking around. Map out areas that are of interest to you. Maybe triangulate with the three children. Right now, I know you are enjoying helping out and spending time with the grandkids and you want to get some things done in the house to help the resale. So do that and on bad days, take a drive or a virtual tour of some areas that are of interest to you. Consider checking out some homes, condos. Not only the distraction factor, but by touring you will get some ideas of what will and won't work for you.

We did miss you, of course, at Chat. Had a fun time. But I think it was important for you to get away. I know what you mean about backing off after the crisis has passed, but I do know, while she is having trouble facing these important issues, Shirley does need to see and feel you. Debbie

There will never be a time for you. There is no day that dawns when there is not a crisis for someone. It is the same as any workaholic who must see their own family as worthy of their time, or it is too late by the time they realize it.

Might be a good time to remind your daughter that charity begins at home!

Cindy and Sandy, Shirley devoted a lot of time to Ray and I in the years prior to his death so I am not going to put up a reminder to her now that she has a duty to me etc. Hopefully we have many good years ahead when the talking can be done. It is my fault for getting the timing wrong.

Forgive my foolishness in even thinking she should put herself out for me, it is the mother's place to give the daughter her freedom to be whoever it is she needs to be. And right now she needs to put others first. It is the same attiude I taught her was right for me...so like mother, like daughter.