I've just had the grandchildren who I usually mind for three days, two nights. It was lovely during the day but when the little ones get tired it is tough getting them into bed. It didn't help that the bricklayers are still on the job next door and the site manager was on my driveway at 6.20am yesterday morning making phone calls. No consideration for the fact this is a residential area not a new subdivision.

I love my grandkids and I really try to make their time here enjoyable. On Monday it was a trip to the lagoon south of here, soft sand, lots of sand castle building, making sand angels etc. A picnic lunch hastily slung together stopped our appettites in their tracks. Three hours in the middle of the day is generally enough. We came back home and for the rest of the day did circuits here, trampoline, swing and slippery dip out the back, wheeled toys and sandpit out on the front verandah and some activitiy like painting set out in the living area. There are also DVDs and videos and lots of toys to play with. I could set up my own preschool with the amount of toys I have here.

Tuesday we went to the lakeshore ten minutes north of here to a big playground, lots of different sandpits, rocking machines etc in a fenced in area, with a lot of swings and climbing equipment outside of that area. The little ones really powered around the place and when I wanted to leave it was: "No, no, Granma no." So we went off and got some goodies for lunch and went back for another couple of hours. Probably too much because today they were so tired and worn out and I was too.

Today it was Tori's twelth birthday and her mother picked up one of her girlfriends from school at her house and then came and picked up Tori for a girl's day out. The little boys started grumbling from then on. I took them to a park they had been asking to go to and they enjoyed it for a while. It has a flying fox, kid's size, which Oliver was very keen on and some kid's sized circuit training equipment which Alex thought was great. In the end Alex got into an argument with another child and started crying so home we came after being there for only a couple of hours. We had two really good days so I expect it was all a bit too much for the little boys.

Thanks to the girls in chat for understanding about me having the kids here and letting me off after half an hour. Good to have so many chatting again and despite the spring silliness that sometimes arises I am sure our Host Sally is quite able to control them without a whip and a chair. It is good to know that I am not fully responsible now. It has been a longer term volunteer role than I expected it to be when I started in 2006. It has been very rewarding though and good to know that cyberfriends from Strokenet generally and caregiver chat in particular have always been there to support me when I needed it.

I have had a few things go wrong lately. I try to do my best to feel in control and make some sensible decisions but deep down I just don't want to do it. I certainly don't want to think too far ahead. I don't want life to be like this. It is hard not to have another person to bounce ideas off, to help make decisions. It makes me feel so sad and alone. I felt that way when I switched the hotplates on tonight. One went ** snap** and didn't light up. Yet another thing to do. I only just replaced the refrigerator. It seems as if everything around me is breaking down. Before I felt as if everything was at least a joint decision. Now it is just me to take the blame if I get it wrong. I understand missing Ray and that feeling of doing it all on my own. I didn't think I would feel so vulnerable and unsure for so long.

I spoke to my daughter on the phone tonight. I would have liked to go down to her place for a few days, the weekend at least but she has her Market Day again Saturday and will be very busy so I wouldn't see much of her. And I honestly don't think I want to take the five hour journey each way down and back in four days. It is lovely to spent time with them, especially the two grandchildren. But it is hard that they live so far away. I hoped and prayed before Ray died that they would move closer but that didn't happen. I wonder if it will happen with their next move or if that will take them even further away?

And so I am tired out tonight. Not only tired but a little stressed out with the unaccustomed activity and that cleaning before and cleaning up after feeling. Plenty of laundry to do tomorrow and then I am thinking I'll take it easy for a few days.