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The Independence Thing



Here I am - 1:15 a.m. - with so many thoughts, and such a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to putting them down. I guess I'll begin with my thoughts about independence, both his and mine.


When my kids were little I was never very good at letting them get dressed themselves. It looked so hard. It didn't seem to come out quite "right". They got so frustrated. Their crying drove me into despair about my "demands". Would they hate their mother when they grew up because she didn't help them enough?


It's sort of ironic that I'm in the same place with my husband. He needs to be independent of me a little bit. He needs to start dressing himself. He wants to use the quad cane all the time now, but still asks me to pull his underpants up, to comb his hair - and although inside I want him to begin doing these things for himself, he is so emotional that I know the tears will start when I push. (I can hear your responses already, you know.)


Today I had a friend of Bill's meet him at rehab to take him to lunch, while I went to lunch with his mom. Bless his heart, he went along with it. Seems he had a nice time, too. He's not wanted anybody with him but me until today. Guess it was his birthday present to me.


He's having alot of fun with his OT therapist. She's absolutely wonderful, and has a way of making Bill laugh. He's so serious anyway, but she can get him to laugh and even joke with her. She told him it was nice to see him smile the other day. It really is.


Oh - he wanted to make a salad for us the other day....YIKES...We went to the grocery store and picked up the veggies he wanted. Among them was a bunch of green onions. He went to the kitchen while I was in the bedroom and when I came out he was in the process of beginning to cut the green onions......with a 12" knife that could have taken a finger better than cutting that onion!!!!!!! He had it upside down in his right hand with the onion in his left. I gently asked him if he thought he could use a smaller knife, but he knew that wouldn't work. My next tactic was to suggest that maybe I could do the onion for him. He agreed! Then he told me his feet were killing him, which I think may have been him conceding that for now making a salad may be a little ambitous. He thought it would be fine to sit in the kitchen and "direct" me in the salad prep!


It's the little things in our new life that give me joy. But then, when I remember March 21st, Bill wanting to make a salad is no "little thing".



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Watching the tears is hard, but you'll have to develope a tough skin about it. If I hadn't, I'd still be doing everything for Kathy. She still can't do her pants, but can now do her shirt and put her bra on with just me doing the hooks for her.


I'm glad you got the knife situation solved. That one had me sweating just reading it.


Keep on keeping on smile.gif



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i see it that just that he WANTED to do it on his own as progress. MAYBE IN TIME he will graduate from being the "coach" to being the "player". with your love, compassion and guidance, i'd say the odds are on your side sweetie!




my best

kim pash.gif

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from a survivor perspective, I say let him do it himself, tears or not. It isn't easy but independence can only happen if you stand back and allow it. I'm one handed and I dress myself and pull up my own underwear too, put on socks. They were hard things to learn to overcome them and perform them myself, but I perservered and I'm glad I did.


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it is hard to see your loved one struggle but it is good idea to let them do their ADL by themselves it gives so much pleasure when I m not dependent on my hubby for things I m survivor 2 my left side is paralysed but since I was right handed, grooming and everything else became very easy for me, the day I succedded to wear my own bra gave me so much pleasure you can't imagine, give your hubby time, he will bounce back with lot of support from you



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