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Lazy Sunday, feeling sad today



Our weather has changed drastically. We've dropped over 20° in the last few days. I love the cooler weather, I just wish the sun would shine. I started my day with plans of cutting back the daisies, cleaning up the day lillys, and pulling weeds. All of the above are about two weeks overdue. None of them got done. This morning I was sitting in the kitchen reading the Sunday newspaper, drinking coffee, and planning my yard work activities. Then I started remembering Sunday the way it used to be. Up early, go to church, come home, Dan fixing breakfast, me setting the table, discussing the day's activities, doing dishes, planning dinner, baking a cake or pie, etc. etc. Normal mundane things that we all take for granted. Then reality hits me...Dan's stroke, near death so many times, Dan never cooking in the kitchen of our new house, not enjoying gardening in our new house, not really enjoying anything anymore. I found myself sitting in the kitchen crying, so I decided to pay bills instead of doing yard work. Haven't paid my bills yet either, just sitting here reading emails and surfing the web. What a waste of time. The weeds and bills will still be there tomorrow. Hopefully the sun will be out too. I find that weekends are the hardest times for me. Will I ever be able to remember without crying? I certainly hope so.


I've been going through Dan's clothes, giving some to the son of my best friend, some to Jeff and his family. I will give a lot of them to a friend whose son is in his 50's and has Downs Syndrome. He's in a group home and his mom tells me that his clothes seem to just disappear. His roommate is blind and has no family that visits. I find this so incredibly sad. I've got most of Dan's clothes on the bed and in the closet in the spare bedroom. Both pre and post stroke Dan was a clothes hound. He loved to shop and he liked to look good. When he shopped after his stroke I'd leave the bags sit for a couple of weeks and then start making my rounds returning the items that he had purchased. Only occasionally did he ask "what happened to that (fill in the blank) that I just bought?" lol


The process of going through Dan's "things" makes me very sad and sometimes I end up crying. He LOVED shoes almost as much as I do. I started going through the shoes yesterday and ended up on the closet floor crying like a baby...crying over a pair of blue dockers that he wore all the time, or his Celtic green sneakers he's had for 40+ years and still wore occasionally. I get this emotional over his shoes and flannel shirts; you can imagine how I am when I open the top drawer of his chest of drawers. This drawer has been his "private" drawer for 30 years. Although there's nothing in there that I shouldn't see, I was always FORBIDDEN to open the drawer. It was actually a joke between the two of us. Well, that drawer is still Dan's "private" drawer, every time I open it I end up crying. So, the contents stay untouched.


Last week a friend asked me if I was starting to relax and unwind from the stress of caregiving for the last four years. I hadn't really thought about that before but yes, I am. I'm more relaxed than I've been in a long, long time. I miss Dan terribly, but I know that I have to move on and get my own life back. I'm working on it. It's just a slow process.


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Mary :


I am sending you lot of virtual hugs. I know when hubby was going through my old clothes & donating the ones I can no longer wear due to stroke was such a heart wrenching experience for me, luckily he was able to stay detach from it & able to donate those clothes away. that's hardest thing to do after loved one passes away, but I am sure you will get through this tough patch too. Since I know caregiving is not for sissies. & you are one stromg lady.




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Thank you for your post..all i can send are my best wishes and the virtual hugs Asha is sending is getting multiplied by mine.. nancyl

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Mary, you are one strong lady. It takes time and you are doing great. Come to Florida, lots of sun, too much! Crying is like cleaning your soul, so cry, a doctor told me to stop keeping everything inside of me , and let it out, Iam sure that why I have high blood pressure.

Lots of hugs and kisses



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MaryJo: one of the toughest jobs you have ever been given, because it is final. With our partners with us, we can think about tomorrow, knowing they are here. Not so for you. Easy, baby steps.


Bruce was a shoe man as well, but a very rare size. My brother-in-law is the same exact size. But BIL is a machinist, Bruce worked in an office. Thing is, Dan would be thrilled that he could help out the family and the community with those things that were important to him. Especially when one buys well. It is such a gift to so many who need.


Take it slow. Do only what you have the energy to do and then walk away and take care of Mary Jo. If you want to do yard work, fine. Maybe consider what you are going to do for fresh herbs this winter. If you want to kick back, read and have a cup of tea - just do it. You are getting through the grieving and that just takes time. Go easy honey. Blog often and let us know how your are. Prayers and thoughts always. Debbie

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I think there is a time it gets better, I've always wondered if I'd actually MAKE IT to that time when it would get better. I can only remember what it was like to lose my dad, and how I couldn't think of him without crying... but sometime after a year, I found I could talk about something he said or did that was funny, and it was still funny. We could remember those things fondly and happily. I know it will destroy me whenever I lose Bob, eventhough I see others who are making it, so who am I to say big hearty 'it'll be ok' when I know I'll do a nose dive. But for those others I see, they do seem to be recovering, it is hope, anyway. I guess this wasn't much help :(

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