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Just Me



I'm having a problem not thinking of things in terms of "us" and "we". I'm doing blah blah to the house vs we're doing blah blah to the house. Need new kitchen chairs, what style, what color, how much to spend. Sounds silly, but I've been half of a WE team for a long time. Even though the last four years I've made all the final decisions, I still asked for Dan's input...good or bad...Dan's color choice for kitchen chairs would have been purple (no, we're not getting purple kitchen chairs). The last two years he loved purple. An aide once told him that purple was the color of royalty and, of course, Dan was royalty, so purple became his color of choice. lol


I've started planning a trip to New England to scatter Dan's ashes. When we lived in Massachusetts we went to Kennebunkport, Maine every year, off season after the "leaf peepers" were gone. I've asked Jeff to go with me. He's never been to New England and he has become so much a part of our family. This is Jeff's "bonus" for the last two years of helping Dan and helping me survive. So now I have to plan a trip. Dan always handled our travel plans but now it's just ME. I know I can do it, I just can't seem to make up my mind: travel mode, route, where to go first, where to stay, do we make side trips to visit a few old friends. Oh my so many decisions with no one to discuss it with. I discuss it with Jeff, but he says he doesn't care, so it's just me. The only place I know I want to go is Kennebunkport and Newport, RI. Do I spend more money to fly or spend four days round trip driving? I seem to change my mind once a week. As of today we're flying, it will cost more but I'm an impatient person.


It is such a WE world. Whether it's family or friends, it's WE, US, all multiples. Sue has also mentioned this in several of her blogs. There's just a tiny bit of envy in me when I see couples holding hands, eating meals together, and all the other things that couples do. I know life is not perfect for all of these couples, everyone has problems of some sort. But, they're still in the WE/US category. Everyone tells me that it will get easier. I'm sure it will get easier, but for now there's a tad bit of envy; or is it really loneliness? I think it's a bit of both.


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Ha, so funny, I always say purple is the color of royalty too! I like to wear it often.


Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject. Before the stroke, I always felt I'd be fine if anything ever happened to Ray, I was pretty independent and figured I'd get by. I still have him, but have seen the error of assuming things. I have stopped thinking I know how it will play out in the future, it's not really possible to just imagine it.


Your trip sounds wonderful, and you will have someone with you for support too, which is priceless. We always loved our friend's camp up by Saranac in the Adirondacks, if I had to scatter Ray's ashes that is the only place that would do. Heaven on earth. A trip to a place like that will help your soul heal, for sure.


And I would probably fly too, why waste four days on the road when you can be in God's country?

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Mary Jo :


sounds like great plan, scattering his ashes to places he loved feels like right thing to do. hope you have great time visiting those places.



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It is like a start over when you are the only one to decide or please on things - whether new things, or work to be done. It feels a little wreckless to be making all the decisions. I hope it will be a fun outlet to discover what you like!

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It is another adjustment being single again. You have more freedom, more choices to make and a whole new life for yourself. Maybe you can make new friends from a church or widow's group. I did that the first time and made a lot of new single "gal friends".



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Mary Jo, Just me was the screen I sat and looked at three different times as I was left alone and in some what disbelief. It wasn't a death of a mate but a divorce. To me and for me it felt the same that loved one is GONE.


Somehow, someway I got through it all three times as a wonderful husband and in the first case a devoted father of a girl and a boy child 5 and 7 years old. I got back from Vietnam battered and badly bruised assigned to a hospital in San Francisco for more treatments to my back and spinal cord.


She said take me back home to Houston I was on dope or something was wrong and I had changed. Well I never even smoked a cigarette in my life much less dope or grass. She just wanted OUT the marriage of 12 years. I discovered years later there was another man in the picture.


Any who, I got married again a couple years later then got orders for Germany. Two years there she wanted to go back home in California. I was on a three year tour of duty I couldn't leave for another year. Well it was her that wanted to depart from the marriage. Well a year later when my time was up I opted to retire in Georgia and two years later I married once again.


Well it didn't last too long and I got shot but didn't press any charges as she had two boys to raise. As I said I was left three times. So it was Just Me, low and behold God sent another lady in my life.


We have now been married over 15 years and in church all those years. Life is good, she is great and my God is greater still to put us together for life in sickness and health, richer or poorer until death do us part. She is THE BEST woman I ever had in all my days on this earth. I just made 72 last month, she made 61 so I shall never look again in this life.


Mary Jo I think and feel you will make the best of life with the memories of the good times you enjoyed with him in the years to come. Just me is not great but it's not that bad either I have learned from experience. Hold on, hold out until God sends you another!!!!!

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Thanks all for your great words of support.


Fred, thanks for sharing your story of "Just Me". You've been through so much in your life, yet the words you wrote convey your happiness, celebration of life, and love for your wonderful wife. Hopefully I'll be lucky enough to meet someone who I will love and who will love me in return. God bless you and your lovely wife. You're a very lucky man.

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I just wrote a blog on loneliness and posted it on a widowed site. I don't want to reiterate it here but just want to say that as a widow loneliness is something we do live with every day. (((hugs))).

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Wow, Fred. You've been thru it. Wonderful to hear your story of how you managed to overcome so much disappointment and pain in your life, let alone the stroke! You're a good person Fred, so nice to know you!

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Thank you both! I try to encourage care givers and survivors through my own experiences over this many years as a survivor myself right here on stroke net....I guess that's why I'm still a member here since 2005 a year after my own stroke....


When people come here they are looking for help/information in dealing with strokes, care and recovery. Sometimes even returning to work if possible!

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Mary Jo all i can say is -- god bless and god speed ... please, please as much as you are comforatble with of course... keep with us on stroke net.. like Sue your advice support and the pure - been through it is so helpful to us... and of course only with what you are able to do... but you and sue are so valued and it is important for us to see the other - side- although i am saying it wrong - i think you know what i mean ... gosh i wish that jeff lived near us, he sounds iike a truly wonderful person.. what a blessing to you and to himself... as wierd as that sounds.. to be a truly good person is a blessing in itself though.... as i said mary jo -- god bless you and know you are being thought of during this time...

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and Fred -- you are the real deal... you are blessed - just because of who you are - who you have endeavored to become.. a blessing to yourself and others... you are loved my man.... you are loved... nancyl

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and Fred -- you are the real deal... you are blessed - just because of who you are - who you have endeavored to become.. a blessing to yourself and others... you are loved my man.... you are loved... nancyl


Ditto that from me Fred!!

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