I'm having a problem not thinking of things in terms of "us" and "we". I'm doing blah blah to the house vs we're doing blah blah to the house. Need new kitchen chairs, what style, what color, how much to spend. Sounds silly, but I've been half of a WE team for a long time. Even though the last four years I've made all the final decisions, I still asked for Dan's input...good or bad...Dan's color choice for kitchen chairs would have been purple (no, we're not getting purple kitchen chairs). The last two years he loved purple. An aide once told him that purple was the color of royalty and, of course, Dan was royalty, so purple became his color of choice. lol
I've started planning a trip to New England to scatter Dan's ashes. When we lived in Massachusetts we went to Kennebunkport, Maine every year, off season after the "leaf peepers" were gone. I've asked Jeff to go with me. He's never been to New England and he has become so much a part of our family. This is Jeff's "bonus" for the last two years of helping Dan and helping me survive. So now I have to plan a trip. Dan always handled our travel plans but now it's just ME. I know I can do it, I just can't seem to make up my mind: travel mode, route, where to go first, where to stay, do we make side trips to visit a few old friends. Oh my so many decisions with no one to discuss it with. I discuss it with Jeff, but he says he doesn't care, so it's just me. The only place I know I want to go is Kennebunkport and Newport, RI. Do I spend more money to fly or spend four days round trip driving? I seem to change my mind once a week. As of today we're flying, it will cost more but I'm an impatient person.
It is such a WE world. Whether it's family or friends, it's WE, US, all multiples. Sue has also mentioned this in several of her blogs. There's just a tiny bit of envy in me when I see couples holding hands, eating meals together, and all the other things that couples do. I know life is not perfect for all of these couples, everyone has problems of some sort. But, they're still in the WE/US category. Everyone tells me that it will get easier. I'm sure it will get easier, but for now there's a tad bit of envy; or is it really loneliness? I think it's a bit of both.