Dan's been gone six weeks now. His memorial mass was a week ago. I was so very touched by the number of people that were there. Two of his high school classmates (graduated 50 years ago), a friend from Tennessee, friends I worked with 40 years ago, neighbors, a lady that I baby sat for her daughter 50 years ago, brothers, sisters, niece, nephews...oh my! The "church ladies" put together a luncheon after the mass and family came to the house after the luncheon. The in-laws left for home the next day and my sister and her husband left the following day. The funeral mass gave me some closure. It was a celebration of Dan's life and a time to mourn for his death. He is finally out of pain and at peace.
I've been keeping busy. Thank goodness we've had a couple of cool weeks in central Indiana and not the drought of last year. I am, however, sick and tired of moving garden hoses to keep my grass from being brown and crunchy. I decided to bite the bullet and get a lawn irrigation system put in. It's costing more than I expected but I think it will be worth it. It just kills my back lugging around the hoses, that and the fact that I always forget to set a timer and I remember two hours later that I need to move the sprinklers.
I miss Dan terribly. Some of my friends seem to think that I might fall apart any minute. I try to explain to them that I've had four years to experience my grief and prepare, not that you're ever really prepared, for Dan's death. After the stroke I grieved and mourned over what the stroke did to Dan's mind and body and what it did to OUR life, mine as well as his. Eventually I accepted what the stroke did to both of us, but I never stopped grieving the loss of how we had planned on living our retirement years. Now I'm grieving and mourning over the hole in my life, missing the man that I loved and who was my best friend. He always made me laugh, right up to the end.
I do cry at some of the oddest moments. In the grocery store I'll see something on sale and think I should get it for him. Yesterday I went to an outlet mall. Dan always loved going into the cooking and kitchen stores. Well, I went into one, started thinking about Dan, teared up, paid for my small purchase, and promptly went to the restroom and into a stall and cried for about 5 minutes. I'm sure the people in there thought I was a crazy woman!
I know it will get easier but I also know that I will always miss him. He's in my heart and in my head every day.
Hugs to all.