Reality is starting to hit me. Dan has been gone for two weeks yet I still tend to plan my activities around my old schedule of when will someone be home with Dan, what time do they need to leave, no weekend activities because Dan needs someone with him, so on and so forth. It is difficult to change old habits. I know this isn't unique to me, I've reread some of Sue's blogs and she stated she did the same thing. After being together for so long it's hard to realize that you are alone. I don't think I like the word "widow". I looked it up in the dictionary "a woman who has lost her husband by death and has not remarried". The definition is very simple, maybe I don't like the word because I haven't accepted the condition that put the title on me.
There are so many things that I need to do yet I'm not doing them because I just don't want to face it. I still have a list of old friends and acquaintances that I need to call. This part is getting easier, it was much harder talking to family and close friends who really knew and loved Dan. The biggest emotional hurdle right now is planning the readings and music for the funeral mass. I need to get this done and to the church before Sr. Barbara goes on retreat I have four days left...oh my. I did start reading the material this morning. It goes over all of the stages of grief, asking for help, accepting help, loneliness, acceptance, all those things that we already know but need to be reminded. I started crying and put it down. I know I'll get it done but it just puts another stamp of finality on this whole process. I think the mass itself will bring me some peace and allow me to move on with all of the paperwork and "stuff" that needs to be done now. I hear from others that this part is a very long drawn out activity.
My family is all distant but I have good support from friends, Jeff has been great. He researched selling the van and I sold it this past weekend. The garage feels lonely now with only my little car in it! I'm not sure what to do with the power wheelchair. I don't really want to get rid of it because I am a pack rat and always thinking "someone might need it some day". It weights 300 pounds so this isn't something I can easily stash in the basement; so, it sits in the corner of the garage covered with plastic and I'm sure it will become home to lots and lots of spiders. I'll probably end up donating it to St. Vincent DePaul or Little Sisters of the Poor. The same with Dan's ostomy supplies, wound supplies, and other misc. stuff. Then there's the hospital bed. Do I stash it in the basement or donate it also. This all sounds so trivial, and it is trivial, but it's still stuff that I need to make decisions about. I've made all decisions about everything for so long I'm just tired. Maybe I need a vacation, but that's just yet something else I'd have to decide. :dunno: lol
I went to my cousin's house for a bbq to celebrate Independence Day. I think now I'll have a gin & tonic and sit on the porch and relax a little. I'll work on a these decisions tomorrow, maybe. :yikes: