In a Zone....
I really dont know what to feel at the moment....I've worked so hard to get things right for charles once he moves down here with me. I've lined all the necessary Doc's for him and searched for PT,OT and ST for him. It was always an ordeal to get him to any appointments, always finding myself arguing with him, since he is stubborn and we are always running late for his appointments.
He no longer has PT because he doesnt like any of therapist that has worked with him, and wont do any of the exercises they've asked him to do. He had ST two days a week, but we have cut it down to once a week because he tells me ST "sucks". He also doesnt do any ST homework and when I try to get him to do it, he gets frustrated and angry with me. He's now only seeing OT once a week for his right arm. He' so focused on getting movement back on his right arm but dont want to go more than once a week.!!
Somedays, I get so angry because I rush home from work to get him to his therapy and he acts up..so I always end up making excuses and cancelling his appointments. I just want what's best for him but he's not the driven person I used to know! I try to do things to get him motivated to wanna write or spell but he refuses. All he wants is to do his Lego's, listen to music and watch ESPN. Its making me want to give up hope...I feel exhausted because he's not driven to want to get better.
Its the same routine..he stays up til 2am, sleeps til 12:30pm or later. I get off at work 3:15pm, rush home to him and its constant catering to his needs til I go to bed around 10 or 10:30pm. Im living for the both of us, havent seen many of my friends in like forever. I mostly txt them. My family are all in CA, I do miss them very much. His parents are up in PA, they never ask how Im doing? or if I need anything? they keep making excuses when he ask them to come down and visit us in MD.
my heart aches...I feel like crying, screaming and throw in the white towel. I just turned 40, been with him for 16yrs, still not married, no kids, no home. I just wish he would say to me "amy, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, lets get married, have kids and buy a home" ...but til this day, still havent heard those words. We are engaged but no set date yet, he's worried if we get married his disablitly check will be low, I figured only reason he would know that is his mom had said something to him. To me, its not about the money, its the LOVE i have for him.
Its 5pm...I'm going for a run to help with my stress