i just felt like writing. After 1 christian telling me i put too much faith in medicine and not enough in God, I have been trying to be as spiritual as I can praying and reading the Bible. Then my co-worker who is a minister told me the 1 christian was wrong. It is not my fault. She told me to go to church and get someone to cast the demons out of me. Lastnight my cousin invited me to her church but I told her I did not want to go back because Im tired of people telling me Im not getting healed because Im not praising God or feeling like it must be demons in me since Im not running around the church shouting and jumping and dancing.

Lastnight a sudden sadness came over me. I wept. I just felt worthless all of a sudden. Earlier in the day I felt like I was "living the life". Wake up whenever I feel like it, lay in bed all day if I feel like it, no house bills to pay, no more getting off work at 8:00 at night. I can wake up, shower, have breakfast, say my prayers, read my scriptures, exercise, and do everything on my time.

Then lastnight after I took my medicine (2 keppra, 2 baclofen, 1 clonazepam) I got ready to become a zombie and get right back in bed. Thats when I wrote this

Too young to have 16 surgeries on the brain

an old woman's energy in a young woman's frame

"But you're so young!" people respond when I say i had a stroke.

"That was 12 years ago!" I brag as if Im telling some twisted joke.

"The malformation may burst if we dont operate."

"Well lets set this up before its too late."

The exchange between the doctors and my parents that day

as we unknowingly prepared for my life to never be the same

In an effort to remove the malformation, they ruptured my brain,

scarred the tissues, made me lame.

Instead of stopping the seizures, they caused more,

damaging my brain more than it was before.

Spent my school days in a hospital bed

bought an old lady wig when they shaved my head.

Came from a wheelchair to a cane and now just a brace.

but physical disabilities is not all I've had to face.

Stroke affects your mind, body, and soul

as it removes or damages half of your whole.

Takes away your pleasures, all you can feel is pain

takes away your happiness yet causes you to laugh like your insane.

Makes you break down in tears when you werent even sad

then uses the opportunity to remind you of what you had:

A normal life, everything was okay,

no medications, therapies, and appointments to fill your day.

As I reminisce I try to remember what it was like

to play tennis with my neighbor then ride my bike,

do simple things like wash my hands and my hair.

I could see in my left visual field before but now nothings there.

The surgeons were supposed to make me better but made me worse

yet I am supposed to be thankful I rolled home in a wheelchair instead of a hearse.

So much to go through but I didnt let it limit me,

graduated high school and college with the help of God's divinity,

practiced driving with my new license for a year,

then moved away from home and started my career.

Life was going great living the young professional's dream

I even started using my weak side to do things.

showing the public I dont let disabilities stand in my way

until I had to give it all up one day.

a seizure at work that brought me to the floor,

sudden anxiety attacks I wasnt having before.

Seizures in the night and parasomnias during naps

still i tried to withstand these attacks.

People still think I was too young to have a stroke and 16 surgeries on the brain

but 12 years later i still feel too young to be bearing this pain