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Entries in this blog

October 18

Today is my stroke anniversary but Im glad the day is almost over. I woke up feeling so depressed. Instead of celebrating this milestone and all the great things that have happened this year (mainly just getting my wrist straight), I just kept wondering what my life would be like if I never had the stroke. I don't want to hear any encouragement. I know I've accomplished so much, life could be worse, just be thankful, etc. I have just been in a bad mood/on the verge of tears all day.   I have

CagedBird

CagedBird

do i want to be disabled?

I have gone through a strange identity crisis. My wrist was bent for so long that I knew I looked disabled to other people. I used to hate that bent wrist and I felt like that was the first thing people noticed when they looked at me. Now it feels kind of weird to look semi normal or whatever. Even though I can straighten my elbow I find myself choosing to keep it bent. I dont know why. My therapist thinks I want people to feel sorry for me but its not that its just I want them to still know Im

CagedBird

CagedBird

My new wrist

Today I got my cast off and I put my hands together for the first time in 15 years. The first thing I did was wash my hands. It felt soo good. Ever since my stroke I was only washing my good hand by itself but today I actually rubbed my hands together. My OT said I can get a manicure soon. It does not feel real. It feels like Im dreaming. I dreamed about this day forever. You guys know I have gone through so much emotionally I just wanted to die because I could not feel my fingers. I would stay

CagedBird

CagedBird

1 more week

I get my cast off next week. Im so excited. My OT is going to do some e-stim with me to get my fingers moving again. She makes it sound like I can do whatever I want like all we have to do is some e-stim so I can remember how to open my hand again and I'll be good as new. It is pretty exciting but at the same time Im kinda trying not to get my hopes up too high. Its kinda surreal like what's the first thing Im going to do with my new hand? Probably wash my hands! lol I have not been able to put

CagedBird

CagedBird

had my surgery

well i had my surgery back in May. Now I am in OT. I cant squeeze my fingers anymore since the doctor released the tendons. I had to wear my arm bandaged up for 2 weeks and now Im in a cast for 6 more weeks. I cant wait to get it off and see my wrist straight! My fingers have been curling back up but hopefully wearing the splint and doing OT will get them straight. Thank you all for your support

CagedBird

CagedBird

if anyone still reads this

I finally had my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon today. I am going to do the surgery. She is going to put a rod or something in my wrist to keep it straight then she may release the tendons in my fingers depending on how it goes after that. I feel indifferent about it. Part of me is happy my wrist will finally be straight and in a more comfortable position but part of me feels sad that I will officially never be able to do things like clap my hands.   I got a new position at work. Inst

CagedBird

CagedBird

hi

I have not felt like blogging, journaling or anything lately I dont really want to focus on my thoughts. I prefer to block them out with activities that distract me. I did want to let you guys know about my latest stroke journey though. I asked my neurologist to give me a referral to see a hand therapist. He refused because he said at this point therapy will not make a difference. So I told my primary doctor. He's known me for 20 years so he was nice enough to do the referral. I was excited a

CagedBird

CagedBird

surviving

wow i haven't blogged since October so that means I've been doing good. I don't know if I put this is my last entry but I adopted a dog back in October. He is a black basset hound/ dachshund. I love him so much. He does wonders for my depression. He loves me. Just having him there helps with anxiety because I know Im not alone. I would post a pic but I dont know how on here anymore.   I quit my last job and started at the VA (Veterans Affairs Hospital). I like it so much better. The company I

CagedBird

CagedBird

14 years

Today is my 14 year strokeversary! I think this is the happiest I have ever been on October 18th. I am actually happy to be alive. I have been telling random people my story all day. I've been out all day. I just feel like I have come so far. On my past stroke anniversaries all I can remember is being depressed over having seizures/ panic attacks, not being able to drive, not being able to work, not being able to use my left hand, etc.   I did not think in 2015 I would still be walking with a

CagedBird

CagedBird

at a good place

Wow it has been a while since I last blogged. I guess it's been a mixture of me being busy and not really feel like blogging about the crap going on or how I felt. Where do I start? Well a few days after my last entry, I had another seizure. It was really bad. It wasnt in my sleep. I was awake. When the aura came, I thought it was anxiety so I told myself I was ok but the next thing I knew it felt like I had been dreaming and my boyfriend was asking me if I was okay. I didn't know who he was, wh

CagedBird

CagedBird

update

I just wanted to update you guys on how Im doing. I've started getting used to working. I've also still been doing the stationary bike and treadmill a few times a week at the YMCA. I have been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend. We met a little over a month ago. We go to church a lot and watch movies at my place a lot. It's nice to have a friend to hang with. I had a "seizure" Thursday morning around 4am. I bit my tongue on both sides and my legs were hurting. I woke up in my living room.

CagedBird

CagedBird

Working (Out)

I have been busy working and going to the gym. Working is stressful but I do enjoy getting a check every two weeks. I've always had direct deposit in the past but it's something about getting my check handed to me that reminds me to hang in there and not quit my job. I have also been trying to workout.   I have gained too much weight. I have never weighed this much in my life. At first I thought I was just getting my appetite back, then I thought it was anxiety because I only ate a lot when I

CagedBird

CagedBird

Shoutout to the caregivers!

First I'd like to thank you all for the birthday wishes. I love having this blog. I have been a member ever since I was 17 years old and I really appreciate the love and support I receive from you all. Last week I got really depressed. I did not want to tell my dad since he made me feel so bad the last time I tried to get help a few weeks ago but he said that he would take me to a better hospital the next time I wasn't feeling well so I gave it a try. I was feeling so horrible that I just wanted

CagedBird

CagedBird

Awesome birthday weekend

Today is my birthday but I celebrated it all weekend. I actually just started feeling better yesterday. I went to a support group and my friends from church had a birthday party for me and some other friends. I remember when I felt like I had no friends and spent my birthdays online all day long but this weekend I haven't been home for more than a few hours. It is a great feeling and I am glad I have friends and transportation to go out and have fun.   My dad stayed the night with me last wee

CagedBird

CagedBird

i dont understand

I had another seizure in my sleep on June 1st. I'd had an awesome day. I stayed busy, exercised, read books, tutored. I don't know why I had the seizure. I woke up at 4am on the bathroom floor with my pants off once again. My bath rugs were all jumbled up and my covers were at the foot of my bed. Its almost like I got out of bed to go to the bathroom then had a seizure. I don't know. I bit my tongue really bad. I'd done so much last weekend I really thought things were looking up for me. Unfortu

CagedBird

CagedBird

saved the best for last

I am still doing good. I can't even remember all of the stuff I've been doing. For about a week I think I went somewhere everyday. I did go to the brain injury support group. We watched a video on invisible disabilities. I met some nice people. That week I also went to a holistic health expo. I met a guy from Medtronic I think that had a display on deep brain stimulation. He gave me the names of a couple of good neuromuscular doctors at Duke. When I called, I found out I already had an appointme

CagedBird

CagedBird

Mindfulness

Thank you all for your kind words. Lastnight was another all-nighter. I lay in bed and did not fall asleep until the sun came up this morning. Accept this time Im back at my dad's house. Lastnight was a lot better than Friday night. (Saturday night I actually slept for more than 2 hours.) Even though I stayed up all night lastnight, I played games online instead of looking for a job, I watched funny videos instead of desperately looking for my future husband online dating sites. So even though

CagedBird

CagedBird

can't sleep

Well I went back to my dad's house last Saturday and had another seizure that night. My dad heard me fall off the bed so I stayed at his house for a few more days. I had been sleeping pretty good at his house this week but today I came back to my apartment and here it is 5 a.m and I've been laying here since 9:30 waiting to fall asleep. I don't understand. I don't understand why its so hard for me to fall asleep here. I don't want to be addicted to medication so I have not taken anything to hel

CagedBird

CagedBird

not sure what else to do

Thank you all for your support. It means a lot to me and I read every comment. I stayed at my dad's house for a few days. I could only sleep for like a few hours at a time. It was kind of frustrating but I was determined not to take any pills to help me sleep. After being on the clonazepam for almost 2 years and the depakote for almost 6 months, it's quit an adjustment. I am so used to getting in bed at 9 or 10:00 and falling straight asleep.   When I came back to my apartment Thursday, it was

CagedBird

CagedBird

Im too weak

I wish I could talk about what a great time I had in Atlanta. how I took the stairs in my aunt's 3 level house, and did the 2 mile walk with her church up and down hills through the route. I wish I could talk about how I went somewhere everyday last week, applying for jobs, networking, and hanging out with friends and family.   BUT I ruined it. I had a seizure in my sleep Saturday night/Sunday morning and I completely lost it yesterday. I took the rest of my bottle of prozac and slept all day

CagedBird

CagedBird

just blogging

Thank you all for your comments and support. My kitten is still very active but she has sat in my lap a few times. Even though its a lot to take care of her, It's nice coming home knowing she's here with me. I hope my property manager lets me keep her.   I have been trying to use this free time to travel. I took the bus to Charlotte a few weeks ago just to get away. I really miss being there. Although I was not doing well emotionally and having seizures, I was making so much progress in OT and

CagedBird

CagedBird

Doing better mentally but not physically

Thank you all for your comments on my last blog. I have some good news. I went to Virginia for a Singles Retreat with a local church. I was just SO grateful so see all of the beautiful water, bridges, tunnels, trees covered in snow, etc with no anxiety! I navigated the hotel, walked through large malls and spent the 3 days with a group of strangers. No anxiety, panic, depression, etc. It was such a blessing. Just a few months ago I felt like my life was over. Im so glad God let me live to experi

CagedBird

CagedBird

Still Smiling

Well I finally decided to update my profile picture since 2008 lol I just took that photo today. The other day I was going through some sadness. It was like I finally stopped worrying about the psychological issues I've been going through and suddenly my mind went back to "woe is me I had a stroke." I don't know why but I suddenly felt so inadequate. I felt like I may never be a good enough wife or mother because of my limitations, I may never have the career I want because of my limitations. I

CagedBird

CagedBird

Motivated

I feel great. I met one of my neighbors who lives near my dad's house. She is a stroke survivor and she wants me to come over and workout with her sometimes! She wears her brace all the time on her hand and sometimes she sleeps in it. I wanted to do that for so long but I just always take it off because its uncomfortable plus its so cold at night and my wrist is so bent I just go ahead and take it off.   I found out that now that I have medicare, I can get a new tens unit and get new electrode

CagedBird

CagedBird

TGIF

Thank God it's Friday! I have not had a day to myself since last Friday (which is a good thing I suppose). I have been so busy hanging out with girl friends from church on weekends, going to appointments on Mondays and Wednesdays, and volunteering on Tuesdays and Thursdays.   I had a few anxiety attacks last week but I just tossed them to the wind and kept doing what I was doing. No more fear! Im hardly at my apartment so I haven't had much time to sit around and get down in the dumps/bored or

CagedBird

CagedBird