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do i want to be disabled?


CagedBird

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I have gone through a strange identity crisis. My wrist was bent for so long that I knew I looked disabled to other people. I used to hate that bent wrist and I felt like that was the first thing people noticed when they looked at me. Now it feels kind of weird to look semi normal or whatever. Even though I can straighten my elbow I find myself choosing to keep it bent. I dont know why. My therapist thinks I want people to feel sorry for me but its not that its just I want them to still know Im disabled.

 

I guess I still want help. When I had my cast on, strangers offered me help everywhere I went. Now since my arm looks pretty normal I dont get that help. My fingers are still curled and we have not been able to reteach my brain to open my hand so even though my hand looks like Im holding something all the time, I dont think anyone realizes I actually cant move those fingers yet. Then when I do straighten my arm sometimes it comes back up so its very weird. I cant tell if I look like someone that just had a stroke or if I look like I never had a stroke.

 

Its kind of hard to explain. I cant ask strangers to be polite (i.e hold the door, help put my groceries in my cart). I've never had to ask for certain things. Sometimes people just did it. Now sometimes I feel like I gotta bend my arm so people will in a sense feel sympathy. I never thought I would feel this way.

 

Therapy is going okay. My hand opens with no pain now when we use the e-stim. I got my manicure and did other small things I've waited so long to do. I've been trying to use my hand more to help me do things like fold clothes and eat but it hard since Im not allowed to put pressure through my arm while my wrist is still healing.

 

I also have been asking myself do I really want to try to use my left hand? Everything has actually been easier using one hand. I get so impatient and frustrated trying to use my left hand to do things. I've been using just my right hand for so long Im just used to it. I guess it will take time but really the only time I want to use my left hand is when I want to multitask or do something with my hair and since my OTs dont know if Im going to get any fine motor skills back I havent been able to try to do things like that anyway

so yeah basically I am glad I had the surgery my arm wrist and hand feel and look SO much better but I am adjusting and relearning right now

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Katrina, after all the time you have spent with your wrist bent it really must be weird to see it straight.  I can understand that.  It is how you feel when you have the baby, your body goes back to normal and it seems odd because you no longer have to consider your posture

 

Now you have to start a whole new range of therapy and that is good.  If you need help now just ask for it, say something like:  "My hand is pretty weak after surgery could you help me with the door please?" and go on practicing doing things with that affected hand and maybe you will get quite a bit of movement back and get used to the joys of being two handed again.

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Yes this seems really logical that even though you have waitied so long for these things, you are also changing and this is always time for choice and anxiety for me. In time you will find it fits and that you can be the real you but thank you for sharing this here. I guess I did not ever think that I would find this more desireable.

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I have asked myself that same question.....I have even asked myself if I would be better off being more physically disabled then mentally disabled.  Is the grass greener on the other side?  I don't know, I am colorblind to greens and reds.  I am beginning to understand we are unique in every way, as it should be.   I am trying to prioritize my appearance and I am trying not to care what others think if I am normal. There is no game who is better looking, there is no winner who is more normal and who isn't.....what is normal by the way.  Having self respect, and confidence in your self and abilities is normal.  I hope this makes sense.I can confuse myself at times, which is normal for me.

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Relax. You are normal. Youare experiencing coming out of your comfort zone again.i remember being pregnant and everyone opened doors for me and gave me the most comfortable seat. Once I had my baby no one opened doors for me or even cared where I and my baby sat. Part of me wanted to be pregnant again so people would treat me with courtesy. I like people being kind to me. It feels good. I think this is only temporary until you adjust. There was a time probably when you didn't want to be different either but you adjusted.

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