Wow it has been a while since I last blogged. I guess it's been a mixture of me being busy and not really feel like blogging about the crap going on or how I felt. Where do I start? Well a few days after my last entry, I had another seizure. It was really bad. It wasnt in my sleep. I was awake. When the aura came, I thought it was anxiety so I told myself I was ok but the next thing I knew it felt like I had been dreaming and my boyfriend was asking me if I was okay. I didn't know who he was, who I was, what day it was or anything.
After that, I couldn't really take it. It's like the "devil" seen that I was determined not to left the seizure in my sleep bring me down so he sent something worse. I still have to touch my hand anytime my left side starts to feel weird to make sure it's not about to start jerking and a seizure. I got really depressed again but Im doing better now. I started yoga at the Y and try to do mindfulness and meditation so I will just live in the present, dont get depressed over the past, and dont worry about the future.
The people from the sleep clinic never scheduled my sleep study. It's been a little harder for me to fall asleep and stay asleep. I got off the seroquel that was making me gain weight and I stopped the hydroxyzine since it was not really helping nighttime anxiety. My psychiatrist tried to start me on lithium but it was making me eat more as well so I only took it one time. Im going to let him know at our appointment this week. I pray that taking the tegratol is keeping me from having anymore seizures.
I know doctors prescribe meds to help but with my chronic constipation and recent memory loss, I don't want to be taking more meds than I need. I also started PT and OT again. My insurance only approved me for the month of September. Im trying to work on my balance, going up steps with no rail, walking in shoes without my AFO, and straightening my elbow and wrist.
I feel like Im in a good place right now. No matter what happens, I know it will pass. I have gotten depressed and cried for no reason but I cheered up and felt fine. I no longer want to die. Life can be a beautiful gift once you realize it isn't just suffering.