Thank you all for your comments and support. My kitten is still very active but she has sat in my lap a few times. Even though its a lot to take care of her, It's nice coming home knowing she's here with me. I hope my property manager lets me keep her.
I have been trying to use this free time to travel. I took the bus to Charlotte a few weeks ago just to get away. I really miss being there. Although I was not doing well emotionally and having seizures, I was making so much progress in OT and my self esteem was better because I've always took pride in my work ethic and accomplishments. My mom has been having more health problems but if she is okay by then we are supposed to be going to visit my aunt in Georgia next week. I cant afford to go on the singles retreat to Disney but I do want to go to Houston to visit my cousin in a few weeks. I've never been on a plane before.
Although my job coach is very supportive, I just feel so defeated when it comes to working. I know having a job isn't everything. Its just so discouraging to go out my way and spend countless hours filling out job applications, driving around to drop them off before the deadlines, using up all of my ink and paper from my printer, then never hearing back from the employers. I still tutor but I want more. I want a paycheck. Im tired of feeling like an old retired person when I worked so hard through college to make sure I would have limitless opportunities in the job market.
I told my psychiatrist about how tired the meds make me especially the depakote. Its good for helping me fall asleep but I just hate being on so much medicine. I want to get off but of course his job is to keep me on medicine so he can keep writing my prescriptions. I told my neurologist about how I want therapy again for my arm and balance. He referred me to Duke since its more of a research university/medical center and has better doctors I guess.
Oh yeah I drank a soda and a cup of coffee. The soda kept me up a little bit longer that night. The coffee made me very giggly and hyper but no anxiety or panic attacks so I guess I dont have to be afraid of caffeine anymore.
At my last therapy session we made vision boards. Im trying to be optimistic and make the best of my life (traveling, volunteering, job searching, exercising) but I still struggle with loneliness, discontentment, and inadequacy. If I don't blog as much as I used to its because now I mostly just talk to God out loud or write in my prayer journal.