• entries
    813
  • comments
    3,772
  • views
    232,515

some thoughts on being alone


swilkinson

882 views

Having someone come for a visit is a good thing when you live on your own. It is company, it is noise and conversation and another face at the table. It is also hard work and fills so much of your time while they are here. I had a houseguest for a week and enjoyed it so much. For once Ray's name came up naturally and sometimes in a funny way so that we laughed. Vicki and her parents were at Ray's funeral and came the next day for a visit before driving the twelve hours back to where they live in western New South Wales. It is good friends like that that keep you going. I am glad I still have some of them.

 

So far I have not been able to tackle the Christmas card list. I did it last year by just signing all the cards "love from Sue" or "love from Sue and family". It is harder to do that for some reason this year. I don't know whether to write a letter and enclose it or just to write something like: "I'm doing okay" and then finish "love from Sue". I know most of those on my card list do not want to know the ins and outs of my daily life, if they did they would ring me and find out what's happening in my life. They just want to know I still exist and that in the far distant future we will meet up again.

 

The reason I know this is because that is exactly how I feel about some of the people on my list. We are no longer close, we are no longer in touch regularly, we are no longer a part of each other's lives but due to some previous closeness we do have a regard for each other. I wish I could pay a visit to each one so we could somehow resume that previous closeness. I know that is not possible, even in my present circumstances I cannot chase people all over the world. But I want to somehow resume that closeness.

 

I sit down to write and all I want to write is that I miss Ray. I know that part of each "family" holiday is that when the family loses a loved one we still gather together but it is not the same as we still miss that person dreadfully. I have said a lot of times that my family thinks I am strong, thinks I can cope, thinks that a phone call once a week is all that is needed. And I am sad to say that at one stage of my life that was exactly what I felt about my parents. Of course they were okay. But Mum and Dad had each other for company. And that is a different scenario - I am alone.

 

I have the three little ones coming over on Sunday so I have brought out the boxes of decorations so they can decorate the tree for me. It is always good if some members of the family will participate. Makes it still seem like a family effort and I really need that feeing of family right now. That silence that echoes in this house sometimes really needs to be lightened by the sound of other voices. When I have had visitors I really notice the silence when they have gone. I know being alone does not have to mean I have to be lonely but sometimes it does.

 

Who do you relate to when you are alone? I know for busy caregivers there is a longing to be alone, to have some "ME" time. But after the death of a spouse or partner suddenly being alone seems totally unimportant. You desperately want them back again. You would do anything to have them back again. How foolish and perverse we all are. So many conflicting emotions, such a mixture of suffering and longing. I guess being a widow means being vulnerable to emotional pain. I never thought I would be this lonely. I always thought I would just fill my life up with busyness and that would be fine. I wonder when that changed?

 

I used to love being here on my own, especially when I had our three children coming and going. All the weekends were so busy and I longed for peace and quiet, and now that is the way life is all the time - so quiet. I can understand why it seem as if our lives are unimportant when the major task of caregiving is over. It was my life for so long and now it is as if I have been sacked from a job I had for a long time. I am gradually learning to fill my life with busyness but busyness does not always satisfy the need to be needed that we do feel. I don't know what will change that for me. Maybe I will learn to live with silence and enjoy my single life. A lot of the older widows at my church tell me they enjoy being on their own. I am not sure they are actually telling the truth. They always seem to love joining with others for a meeting or a meal.

 

I will try to enjoy the end of year meetings and so called Christmas parties. But know that I still feel the sadness of being without Ray and that will colour the way I see life for some time yet.

6 Comments


Recommended Comments

Sue, you write the best blogs but I think this might be the best of them all. Especially the part about Christmas cards to our lost friends. So much to think about.

 

I am not nagging you in any way, but I still think maybe you could consider adopting a little puppy or kitten, just for the company. They are so full of love, it might do you some good for the time being.

Link to comment

Hello Sue, I always mention this, I love your writings, always make me go "m".

 

The christmas cards, I feel you. When I came to America, every year I would send cards to all my friends, over the years, I stop and so did they. Now when I went home, I saw everyone and it was wonderful, but we have chosen different paths of our journey. Oh, we want to make sure that we are still alive, but life goes on, and we get so busy with what is happening in our life.

 

Sue, reading your blog and it hit me about you been loney, last night I got so mad at my husband, and really he did not do anything it was me, and wanting my own way. Has soon as he comes in , I tell him sorry, give him a big hug.

 

Having the grandkids over will lift your spirit, i find that they joy, and honest sayings are like a refreshing well that you can not help but smile.

 

I send you my prayers and hugs,

 

Yvonne

Link to comment

The holidays are always hard to get through as the memories of the past come back to you. Things are just not the same, and that is true for us with survivors as well. It is good you can have the kids over and keeping busy with your organizations and friends.

 

I also think a pet would help you with the lonliness. A little dog or a cat will give you unconditional love, and it will always be there for you.

 

Julie

Link to comment

Sue :

I understand what you are going through, sending you lot of love. I think having routine in life & volunteering at places which are dear to you will help & ofcourse having pet wil be great idea.

 

Asha

Link to comment

Sue: sending hugs. Terrific idea to have the grandbabies help with the tree. Know that I am thinking of you during this holiday season. Debbie

Link to comment

Sue, I applaud you in being a single parent with the lost of your soul mate Ray but as you well know God is in the plan and will see you through this single life with better times and things to come your way!

 

Who knows what's ahead for any of us because I had my share of times being a single parent and only God knows for sure??

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.