Having someone come for a visit is a good thing when you live on your own. It is company, it is noise and conversation and another face at the table. It is also hard work and fills so much of your time while they are here. I had a houseguest for a week and enjoyed it so much. For once Ray's name came up naturally and sometimes in a funny way so that we laughed. Vicki and her parents were at Ray's funeral and came the next day for a visit before driving the twelve hours back to where they live in western New South Wales. It is good friends like that that keep you going. I am glad I still have some of them.

So far I have not been able to tackle the Christmas card list. I did it last year by just signing all the cards "love from Sue" or "love from Sue and family". It is harder to do that for some reason this year. I don't know whether to write a letter and enclose it or just to write something like: "I'm doing okay" and then finish "love from Sue". I know most of those on my card list do not want to know the ins and outs of my daily life, if they did they would ring me and find out what's happening in my life. They just want to know I still exist and that in the far distant future we will meet up again.

The reason I know this is because that is exactly how I feel about some of the people on my list. We are no longer close, we are no longer in touch regularly, we are no longer a part of each other's lives but due to some previous closeness we do have a regard for each other. I wish I could pay a visit to each one so we could somehow resume that previous closeness. I know that is not possible, even in my present circumstances I cannot chase people all over the world. But I want to somehow resume that closeness.

I sit down to write and all I want to write is that I miss Ray. I know that part of each "family" holiday is that when the family loses a loved one we still gather together but it is not the same as we still miss that person dreadfully. I have said a lot of times that my family thinks I am strong, thinks I can cope, thinks that a phone call once a week is all that is needed. And I am sad to say that at one stage of my life that was exactly what I felt about my parents. Of course they were okay. But Mum and Dad had each other for company. And that is a different scenario - I am alone.

I have the three little ones coming over on Sunday so I have brought out the boxes of decorations so they can decorate the tree for me. It is always good if some members of the family will participate. Makes it still seem like a family effort and I really need that feeing of family right now. That silence that echoes in this house sometimes really needs to be lightened by the sound of other voices. When I have had visitors I really notice the silence when they have gone. I know being alone does not have to mean I have to be lonely but sometimes it does.

Who do you relate to when you are alone? I know for busy caregivers there is a longing to be alone, to have some "ME" time. But after the death of a spouse or partner suddenly being alone seems totally unimportant. You desperately want them back again. You would do anything to have them back again. How foolish and perverse we all are. So many conflicting emotions, such a mixture of suffering and longing. I guess being a widow means being vulnerable to emotional pain. I never thought I would be this lonely. I always thought I would just fill my life up with busyness and that would be fine. I wonder when that changed?

I used to love being here on my own, especially when I had our three children coming and going. All the weekends were so busy and I longed for peace and quiet, and now that is the way life is all the time - so quiet. I can understand why it seem as if our lives are unimportant when the major task of caregiving is over. It was my life for so long and now it is as if I have been sacked from a job I had for a long time. I am gradually learning to fill my life with busyness but busyness does not always satisfy the need to be needed that we do feel. I don't know what will change that for me. Maybe I will learn to live with silence and enjoy my single life. A lot of the older widows at my church tell me they enjoy being on their own. I am not sure they are actually telling the truth. They always seem to love joining with others for a meeting or a meal.

I will try to enjoy the end of year meetings and so called Christmas parties. But know that I still feel the sadness of being without Ray and that will colour the way I see life for some time yet.