Sometimes I think about how excited I used to be when Christmas was just days away. When I was a small child my parents were not well off, we had come to Australia with very little money and I used to get just one gift, it was marked "love from Mum and Dad". I used to envy the children in our street who had aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents close by as well as their Mum and Dad who gave them presents and small keepsakes. I did have relatives but they all lived in England or Canada and we rarely got gifts from them. Of course there were many other children locally who also came from overseas, from countries poorer than ours so they too got very little in the way of presents. I could relate to them more than to my Australian neighbours in the sense that we were all isolated from so many who would have formed our family circle. And of course those our parents loved which meant that our parents were sad at Christmas time too.

I learned some hard lessons when I was a child about making do with what I have. It stood me in good stead when I was looking after Ray, firstly because it stopped me wishing for things I could not have, and secondly because waiting for good things to happen was part of my nature, built on the fact that Mum and Dad had to pay everything off on one wage and so you knew that you would get certain things you needed but had to wait until they could afford it. We would never have whined : "buy me this, buy me that" as I hear children doing these day in the supermarkets, Mum would have grabbed us by the hand and marched out, angry that we had shamed her in public by showing others that we were too poor to afford all the things we wanted.

One busy week to go, only ten days before it is Christmas, only a month before Trevor and Edie move to Broken Hill. Life is a mixed bag, moments of fun and laughter, times of heartache and sadness. Christmas season, the lead-up to Christmas is far too busy, the days seem to fly by and I am not ready for the actual day to come. I am trying to prepare psychologically as I know that even though this is my second Christmas without Ray it is still hard to come to terms with. The family is not the same, we have lost our heart. Without Ray at home with me the house is no longer as homely. I am certainly not the same, I am a widow and an orphan and some days that is exactly the way I feel, alone and abandoned.

My adult children too suffer although I don't think any of them really knows how to express that. Of course they miss Ray but are of a generation that feels they should "move on" whatever that means. There must be a lot of people telling themselves they have moved on when really they are just walking around with a giant hole in the middle of their lives. No wonder so many people suffer from depression, I wonder if some of it is really aggravated sadness grown too big to bear? If you feel like that please get some counselling. It is possible to go on without those you love but it is very difficult and very lonely sometimes.

And so each day I put on my good clothes and go on out into the world with my best smile on my face and try to treat people with respect and be sensitive to those around me. A young man who is often at our church told me recently he thought that old people looked so sad and I explained it is often because so many of their partners or their good friends have died before them and now they are left to go on alone, as I am, and it is hard to do. He did look a bit thoughtful so I hope he does make an exception to the "grumpy old men/women" theme that is popular at the moment and think of each older person as an individual with their own lives and their own thoughts and dreams.

The fence between my house and the new house is finished - what a saga that was! Some things that happened, including more destruction of my side garden beds, caused me to have a meltdown on Friday and I had a huge howling fit and felt awful afterwards but it all becomes a bit too much when you discuss decisions and things are turning out very different to what you have been lead to expect. But for better or worse the fence is up! Now I need to rebuild the garden beds, hopefully for the last time. The trampled bulbs will maybe flower next year, the shrubs will still have time to put on leaf but it is too late for them to flower now. It was certainly the wrong time of the year to do all of this but what is done is done. Now I need it to rain to settle everything back in.

Actually I am glad I can find things to keep me occupied. The Lions Club Christmas Stocking ticket selling experience is bittersweet, already I have had two people come up to me with a bright smile and ask: "And how is Ray?" It is fifteen months since he died and I am not sure whether I am happy people still remember him, sad because he is no longer here, or glad he is out of pain. I have so many mixed feelings. Not all is well with our ongoing plans for Christmas Day and Boxing Day ether. Like many families we find we have a clash of plans. I am hoping it all works out so we can have a proper get-together. Christmas is supposed to be the family celebration. Or is that just what the advertisers tell us to sell their products?

I am looking at life as optimistically as I can. As people pass by and call out: "Merry Christmas Sue." I reply: "And to you too". I do mean it and I try to believe it.