I spent the weekend with my family. On Saturday night I went out to dinner with my brother, sister in law, and niece. Yesterday I went to church with my cousin and her 3 kids. It was the church I used to go to since I was a baby and the church I was baptized at but I had not been since high school. I enjoyed it though. Everyone remembered me and made me feel really welcomed. They knew me before the stroke, prayed for me through the surgeries, and I remember getting a standing ovation the day I walked back into church with my cane

My church story

I quit going before I started this blog so I dont think I really talked about church much. My mom has paranoid schizophrenia but she wasnt diagnosed until around 2006-2007. Prior to that we had always been really involved in church. My mom even got a ministers license and was church secretary. After my stroke, my mom would always tell me I had demons in me and tell me I had an attitude if I was not smiling during church. She would force me to stand up during songs and during the sermon then get mad at me for not wanting to praise God for all he had done for me. After she literally tried to beat and choke the demons out of me when I was 14 and severely depressed, I came to live with my dad. My first week of high school I was sexually assaulted and after running away from home I had to see a psychologist who didnt help and just sent bills. All of this kind of snow balled into me hating God and leaving my church after my mom left around 2005.

Of course I had gone to other churches since then but I was not active in any because it just did not feel like home. Lately I had been wanting to get involved in church again to volunteer my time and find my purpose but a lot of the christians I know and churches I went to would make me feel just like my mom did. Telling me the seizures were demons and telling me to praise God if Im thankful causing me to feel bad that I cannot clap and awkwardly raising my hand just to look like I was praising God like everyone else. Well when I went back to my home church yesterday it was like a breath of fresh air. I could finally just sit there without my mom nagging. I think I will rejoin. With all I've gone through I really need a spiritual advisor because honestly sometimes I feel like God is not out there. I also was really involved in everything before and there are a lot of ministries to join since it is a missionary church so I think it will help me feel not so bad about not being able to work.

The good

After driving to church and driving to get some food, I drove to my aunt and uncle's house to visit and talk with my cousin that I had went to church with. Her and I have a connection because she has sickle cell so she knows whats its like to not be able to work plus her husband left her a few years ago since she stayed sick so much so she know what its like to have guys not want to be with you cause of your disability. It was nice to talk to her yesterday. I think we motivate each other.

After that I drove from the far west side of the county to the far east side to pick up my other cousin (my best friend) and take her to the super bowl party my dad's side of the family was having. It was really nice. They stay in a huge house so it made me feel good to go up and down the steps without falling and of course my family fixed my food and brought food to me that I could not carry up the stairs without me having to ask or feel helpless. After the game I drove my cousin back home then drove back to my house back on the west side.

The bad

After taking my medicine I was on the phone talking to my cousin. I started to feel weird but I tried to ignore it and keep talking. But I couldnt say what I was thinking. I told her "I feel really weird." but I dont think she understood what type of weird I meant. I started to feel dizzy and nauseous like I could feel my food coming up. I did not want to have a seizure while she was on the phone and not know so I told her "I think Im having a seizure." I heard her say she was going to call my dad so I hung up and just laid here. My dad ran in my room and asked if I was okay. I told him yeah I just felt weird. I called my cousin back and we finished our conversation. My body kept shaking like I was freezing cold but I felt okay. I guess I was just a little shook up.

It just made me kind of sad. When my dad came to check on me he said he doesnt want me to drive anymore because this is happening too frequently. I had such a great day. If I cant drive I will have to ask my dad to take me everywhere and since hes so antisocial that means me having to get dropped off and picked up anytime I want to be around other people. Im glad the seizure waited until I was in bed and not while I was out having fun or driving. I just thought that was a rotten way to end my weekend because its like Im trying so hard to get out and enjoy myself but the stupid seizure keep reminding me its too dangerous to go anywhere or do anything so I need to just lay in bed and wait for the seizures.

It took me forever to fall asleep because I was so scared and not sleepy. Ever since I started taking the dissolving .25 mg tablet instead of the .5 pill with water last week I only sleep for about 4 hours before I wake up. I kept waking up lastnight. One time I felt my arm jump and the motion woke me up. Another time I woke up and stayed up for a hour because I was just scared and not sleepy. I know life isnt supposed to be perfect but jeez its like everytime things are going good and Im content, something happens to mess it all up and make me pessimistic about the future