I always think "things are going to be better when..." Things will be better when I get over Ray;s death, things will be better when I have the cabin roof fixed, things will be better when I get used to living alone. I know, I know, if it has to be it is all up to me. But I do not see it that way sometimes so things will be better when I get someone to help me, things will get better when I find someone to do things with, things will be better when .....

It isn't a real big deal but today I got a letter from the lawyer saying my sister is disputing Mum's small investment payout. I also got the cheque for half myself today. It was a tiny amount they invested about 25 years ago at a tiny interest and it has doubled in value. I found that out after waiting about 75 minutes on the phone and speaking to five different people! So I am not disputing it and she can of she wishes to. I am so over every move I make being questioned. My sister never wanted to help with Mum's care or anything else, she wouldn't even be co-executor of Mum's estate. She didn't speak to Mum for about 25 years and now she wants a "please explain"...for sweet Pete's sake!

0n a bright note I have had an unexpected visit from Trev who came back to Sydney with Edie as she had damaged her ankle in a fall and needed help carrying her luggage etc. He came down by car leaving Alice and Lucas with Nanny. Edie is on a two week course learning Crime Scene Photography and Finger-printing so Trevor decided to come up and do some of my odd jobs for me this week. It has been great and we have done some small things I would never have managed on my own. We also had dinner with the three local grandkids last night and their Mum so a bit of family stuff which was good for all of us.

It all helps me to feel supported and that gets rid of the thought that "someone should do something for me occasionally". Like all of you I felt unsupported, or under supported through Ray's many years of invalidity and just hate that feeling. As I age it is hard not to turn into a Grumpy Old Woman or Whingeing Widow Woman but it becomes harder to maintain a happy smiling presence when a lot of the time I do not feel like smiling. Laughing out loud yes, smiling no. There is so much irony in life that there is plenty to laugh at.

The cold weather is coming, the birds are starting to form flocks I noticed last night. I am planning for winter, daylight saving finishes next weekend and then the longer nights will come so quickly. I have the break planned at the end of April and am looking forward to that but there is still the thought of that long grey period ahead to give me an uneasy feeling. Widowhood sucks some times. And I don't know how to change that, except my usual way, one day at a time.

There is so much else for other people to worry about that I feel like my small troubles don't warrant a second thought, murders, massacres, millions dying of starvation or as a result of the many small wars always going in in our world. There was another shooting at Fort Hood which today caught world wide attention and they are still out searching for that plane that went down somewhere between here and India with so many lives lost. So that lost and lonely feeling that I have from time to time does not count for much does it? Of course it does to me. We each bear our own pain.

On a brighter note I have to dress in white tee shirt, white slacks and a long red wig and sing (or lip-sync) Abba songs at our Apex40 convention in May. Picturing that should give you nightmares for a week.