Lauren continues to reside in the nursing home. It breaks my heart but I have no other choice so I am trying to make the time as easy on both of us as possible. Of course, he wants to come home but doesn't realize that using a hoyer lift to get in and out of bed and spending most of the day in bed does not lead to home care. Months of physical therapy have gone down the drain because he can't help the aides get him in and out of bed. I really mean he cannot, cognitively, work to help them. He was absolutely making transfers with the physical therapists but went to dead weight when the aides tried to do it. They had no choice but to go to the hoyer for their own safety and his. I've given up trying to fix that and am just letting him be as he wants to be.

Now the focus is on trying to get me healthy. So much work to do on that front! I hurt my knee in an awkward transfer with Lauren at the end of October. It didn't improve with time so I went to see the orthopedic dr. An MRI revealed two torn meniscus in my right knee which meant surgery. It was an arthroscopy, so not a major surgery but it was major enough for me. I'm about 6 weeks out and am doing much better. There is still some pain and stiffness but that will work out with continued exercise and time. Now it is time to address the shoulder that I can't sleep on. Rotator cuff, the doc says. We're going to start with exercises and possibly a cortisone shot. I really hope to avoid surgery again. That recovery looks to be much longer than the knee. Next up is appts to the eye doctor for vision changes and dermatologist to look at a couple of spots that are not likely to be a problem but who wants to take chances? I've been keeping up with my internist all along so I'm good on that front. Caregiving Lauren at home has taken a toll on both knees and shoulders. Still glad I did it as long as I could but it is clear that it was time to get additional help.

I'm still in a time of transition emotionally. Guilt and sadness are with me much of the time. It is hard to motivate to do the things that need done. Springtime has helped, along with a wonderful visit with some friends for several days. I have a bit more energy right now and am trying to capitalize on that to get some tasks accomplished. It is still one day at a time. I feel like I do not spend enough time with Lauren and do not have enough time at home. Seems like I have one foot in each world and neither gets the best of me. But they each get what I can give and that is going to have to be good enough.

I'm trying to catch up on each of you in your postings. It's been a while since I've looked through everything. Just know I think of you--both those I've had contact with and those who are new--and pray each one finds a measure of joy every day.

~~Donna