I do believe today marks the day, one year ago, when Lauren fell in our bathroom once again and began the painful journey through yet one more hospitalization, acute rehab, skilled rehab, and ultimate nursing home placement. It was a second compression fracture in his back that made him unable to come home. He spent November in a skilled unit trying to help him be more mobile. It became clear to me that he was not making enough progress to bring him home safely. December and January were spent in a nursing home of my choice, still with therapies to help him be mobile enough that he could transfer in and out of the wheelchair and (hopefully) get out in our car once in a while for visits and outings. By February he was permanently placed in the nursing home and all progress in mobility was lost. He gets into a wheelchair with the use of a hoyer lift and spends a great deal of his time in bed. He has had medical ups and downs over this year but, for now, he is stable. He is neither happy or sad. I know this is nowhere near what he wanted for his life but I don't know of any other option at this point.

For me, I had to begin to address my own medical issues that I'd ignored over the course of 3 yrs caring for a very disabled man. In March I had surgery for a torn meniscus in my right knee. The recovery for that was several months. Then, in August, I had to have another surgery for a torn rotator cuff in my left shoulder. I am much better but still getting PT for that. Both of these injuries were a direct result from caregiving. Lauren is a bigger guy (not profoundly obese by any means but big enough). For the most part, Lauren stood and transferred at home on his own power. He needed many verbal cues to accomplish it, but I wasn't tugging and pulling on him. It was in the awkward transfers and the falls that the injuries happened. Trying to care for someone whose stroke is severe has its consequences. I'm okay with that. He had 3 years at home and I am actually quite okay with taking some hits in order to make that happen. I only wish it could have lasted longer.

Now I find myself in a strange state of limbo. Lauren had a pretty big set-back a few weeks ago that had the nursing home asking me how aggressive I wanted to be. He seems to have come out of that issue but the question caused me to do some serious reflection. I am choosing not to be aggressive with his medical issues anymore. I know for a fact that Lauren's mindset pre-stroke would have been to have done none of what has taken place in the last 3 years. He has felt differently about that since the stroke so we've done treatments that have been life-saving. Again, I'm not sorry. However, right now I just want his life to be as pain free and comfortable as possible without a lot of intervention.

In many ways I feel like a single person. Socially for sure. I don't have much time for a social life but I am aware that if I want to travel, go to shows, or even eat out with others, I will be doing those things differently than Lauren and I dreamed of for our retirement. Thankfully, I have a great group of friends both married and single but I must admit that it feels different now. I have discovered that more people were affected by Lauren's stroke than just him and me. Our kids, of course. What hit home pretty hard was the reaction of the grandkids to having me more available. They missed me and their lives were moving on without me. So this year has been one of reconnecting and being present for them and their activities. I still spend quite a bit of time and energy on Lauren's needs. I wish I could do more--make more of a difference for him. It pains me that I can't. But for now, I continue to just take one day at a time and try to make it the best one possible.

~~Donna