I went to see my minister today to discuss a new position as Mutual Care co-ordinator, unpaid of course. I was hoping he would have some kind of job description but he said I will mostly be "floating through the various groups in the Parish". For a moment I had a vision of the blue whale in "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" which suddenly appears floating through space uttering a lonely cow-like cry. It was very hard to keep a straight face. It is inconvenient sometimes to have a bizarre sense of humour. I got it from my Mum who was a genius at crosswords and word games and really enjoyed puns. Often when I had been talking to her as a teenager I would suddenly realise afterwards that what she said was not as serious as I had thought but was often said tongue in cheek.

I think my minister is right though that as one who will be doing pastoral care in an almost minimal way passing through the groups is a good way to pick up information and find out where support is needed. It is what we do on Strokenet when we read the posts, read the blogs and go to chat and speak to people, we are gathering the information we need to support someone in an intelligent way. The support they need might not be much more than a comment or a kind word but just that can put their minds at rest, I know it works that way for me.

Winter is quiet here. People are more inside, the doors shut and the houses kept warm. I have been out somewhere most days as if I stay home I can get cabin fever very quickly. It is so different when there is only one person in the house. Sometimes I sing just to hear my voice. Sometimes I sing because I am happy but a lot of the time I sing because I am lonely. I am good at finding excuses not to do housework and why I need to knit, sew or crochet instead, I think I have that in common with a lot of craftswomen who would rather throw a pot or piece together a quilt than do housework...lol.

I did have the opportunity to do some gardening on Tuesday which was good. I was going to pot up the bromeliads but the soil is so clumpy in the pots with all the rain we have had. Thank goodness the promised five day rain event starting today did not appear so I was able to go for a walk, just around a couple of streets but a walk anyway. I need to do that to keep up some kind of fitness. I worked so hard when I cared for Ray that walking was not a part of the plan, now I am trying to build a new plan. Not easy as I do so want to cling to what I always did, have what I always had, be who I always was, but that time is gone now. .

For a while it seemed disloyal to make alterations, in the house, in what I did and in what I thought about. It is hard to explain if you haven't been bereaved but somehow after a lifetime of being a married woman, and a wife even if I am no longer raising children I still seem to go on functioning in a certain way. Widowhood throws all of that into the mix and for a while what you go on doing whatever it was you did. But of course in the end that has to change. For one thing age alters what you can do. And so you slowly rebuild your life and like rehabilitation it is almost,day by day and inch by inch. Maybe we just can't make the changes fast, maybe it has to be slowly so we can assimilate it better.

I went to an odd funeral yesterday. It featured all the things usually done at funerals including a long eulogy but the bereaved daughter seemed to be everywhere bossing people around, checking on everyone, changing things at the last minute. I thought the minister ( from the next parish) responded very calmly to the changes. Not a tear was shed for this wonderful old lady, everyone behaved very calmly. I was astounded. I wonder if they all went home and broke down there? Isn't it odd how "in control" some people have to be? Not me, I would have been howling. But we are all different.

And so, life changes again. I will be a person with a pastoral care role in the church again. I hope I still get to play with the Sunday school kids occasionally and get to walk slowly with the oldies. I hope no-one tries to label me or shove me into a pigeon hole or put some great expectations upon me. I will never be more or less than who I am now. I hope that will be enough.

If you hear that cow-like cry, somewhere overhead, do look up and see if you can spot that blue whale floating high above you. Give it a smile and a wave. It may be me or someone in a similar role in a church close to you.