Strange week last week, another funeral, a few days of trying to get the car ready to re-register, a couple of lunches out with friends, a few more things added to my to do list as I need some time for cleaning out drawers. It was a good week on the whole. My program seems to be lightening up. Maybe I am just ignoring what has to be done, always a possibility.

The Assistant Bishop came down from Newcastle this morning and I am now officially a Lay Minister in charge of Mutual Care. So there. I always say being given certification by the Bishop is like being given a pregnant cat, it looks like a small gift but it is only the first of many. So I will see what life brings. The basic job, looking out for people, is easy but I am guessing there is more to it than that. In an older congregation there are many needs, and in a place where grown up children are sometimes far away, as mine are, that is a complicating factor too.

There was a lunch attached to the certification but I did not attend it. I had said I would keep an eye on the next door neighbour's Dad on Sunday as the next door neighbour has gone away for the weekend. His brother was supposed to come up to look after the old man but that changed and they all went down to Sydney. That left me with some free time so I decided to use it for my own needs I have been so busy I haven't taken the time out that I find I still find beneficial. Maybe being a caregiver did, in the end, teach me to take care of my own needs.

I did so enjoy sitting in the sun this afternoon,I have a head cold so my head was a bit muzzy all day but who cared. In the winter sun is precious and to snuggle in a chair with my feet stretched in front of me and feel myself warming up was great. I wanted to lie down and sleep but the snuffly nose was keeping me awake so sitting in the sun was much better. Okay, I admit I was feeling sorry for myself for a while, the usual, no one to take care of me when I am sick. But I am not suffering from any thing life threatening, it is just a little old cold. And that is enough.

I have been trying to reconnect with Ray's cousins. I rang one tonight but she said they are all older now, less inclined to travel, more likely to shut themselves inside in the warm for winter and if I was planning on visiting could I leave it till Spring? The cousins he was fond of were all older than him so I guess she is right, leave it to Spring. In the meantime I will try to write some letters to the others, to inquire after their health and family matters. I wouldn't expect any of them to be on email or Facebook but I might include my email address just to make sure as that would be a better way to communicate.

I wanted to talk a few things over with my daughter but when I rang her it was to find her mother-in-law is not doing well and so Craig had gone to try and sort out a few of her problems so Shirley was running the Corps alone for a couple of weeks. Another older person in trouble. Her MIL is going blind and so things are difficult as she can't read her mail for one thing. I am so healthy on the whole I felt like a fraud for ringing and saying I was sick when really there is nothing wrong with me. When Ray was alive I always had someone to bounce ideas off of, even when he was no longer able to communicate in any meaningful way I always felt as if he could at least listen to my worries and understand what I was saying, now he is gone I really miss that.

I sometimes think of the poem that includes the line: "how do I love thee, let me count the ways" and want to change it instead to "how do I miss Ray...." because I miss him every day in some way. I miss his physical presence, I miss him as my husband, the sharer of my memories, the father of my children, the grandfather of my grandchildren. I miss his advice, the people he knew who he could ring with a problem. I miss the contact both with our family and his family. I know I would complain about those who rang and wanted to know how he was when they could have visited instead but now I just miss the contact. If I want to know how they are I have to make the call. I guess those links will one day be broken too.

I don't know how many days of sun we have to look forward to before the clouds roll in again. I know we are in for a colder spell by the end of the week. I have to take life one day at a time, we all need to do that. But I am grateful for a day of winter sun. And I hope for more of them to come.