"Now is the winter of our discontent" to quote Shakespeare. Or just plain old winter, wind howling, clouds flowing, trees shedding leaves and branches (gum trees do that every time there is a wind) noises like banging and shushing and grating, I think caused by the dead fronds hanging down on the palm trees next door. Not easy to sleep while all of that is going on so I have had a couple of bad nights. So has the baby next door who is teething I suppose so she and I have been waking at all hours. I do turn the light on and read though so I am not laying there brooding.

More changes in the church. Had a meeting today and we are going to do some things differently. Oh dear, he is so young! I don;t think he realises that when you change from one thing to another it is harder for older people to rearrange their lives accordingly so numbers are low and there are murmurs of crisis. Ho Hum, think I have been in this spot a few times over the last many years of church attendance. Things get bad, people get active, things get better, same as in any business or organization really. The downward slide starts when everybody sees it as somebody else's job and no actions are taken.

I am having some problems with people who want me to do more...mostly a hazy idea of what would make my life better and do more for their organization! Some of the organisations I belong to would like me to free up time to do more with them. I would like more time to myself to tell you the truth, I want to do less rather than more. I don't want to give up my new freedom to tie myself down by "silver bands". The idea of golden chains or silver bands is to show a person is still a prisoner, just of a superior kind and that is somewhat how I feel now.

Because of my changing roles at church there is some confusion about what I am supposed to be doing. There has been a lot of changes in the congregations with the new times of services and I am switching between the services to find out what people's needs are now and that means that I am suddenly told that I should have been at xxx place doing yyy task as I am a member of a certain congregation. I had that accusation today. I understand where the person is coming from but I can't be in two places at once. I think I need to set up some lists of who goes where and why and contact people to see what they want. In the meantime it would be nice to be taken off the rosters to free up my time to take on new tasks.

Sometimes I feel as if I am still cast in the caregiver mold and that others would still see me as a caregiver inside their particular organization particularly in respect to visiting those who are in hospital and there seem to be so many, it being cold and flu season and thence pneumonia season and so many older people having succumbed to that this winter. I did so much of that with Ray towards the end of his life I am not sure I could face it now. I know people see me as having lots of free time and it is true I could fill my life with more and more busyness but that is not the way I want to live life right now.

It is school holidays for the next two weeks and so far no demand for Granma as spare child minder. Thank goodness. I love my grandchildren and cherish my time with them but I am not really set up for minding them at home in winter. I have a lot of toys still to sort out though. With the oldest at 14 and the youngest aged two I do have a lot of children's toys here. Sorting them is another thing on my winter to do list.

Once upon a time I used to see my life as a roundabout particularly when Ray was in a medical loop where we visited doctors, specialists, therapists etc in a never-ending cycle. Now my life is more like a see saw with it's ups and downs. I want to smooth out the bumps a bit and make it a more even rhythm of tasks and rests. I want to feel more in control of what I do and less at the beck and call of others. I know that it is going to take a little gentle confrontation to assert my needs instead of an assumed availability. I am not really looking forward to that. But in order to do what I want to do, and am capable of doing, I have to lower other people's expectations of what they expect me to do and suppress their need to give me new tasks to fill in my "free time". Never an easy task, changing someone else's mind, so wish me luck with it..