you are a gutsy woman. you are tackling things you prefer not to, but do anyway. i'm glad you're going out with your girlfriend. hopefully those invitations will come easier. are you coming into summer now? today summer ends at 10:29pm. bummer. this would be my favorite time of year if only it was followed by spring.

hopefully Shirley will be able to visit more often. how old is Christopher at 6 ft? blessings lynn

That was a thoughtful and well written posting. I could sense all kinds of things swirling around you as you touched the base that is a milestone high school reunion. I think the reason most people attend such gatherings is not so much to check up on their old chums as to check up on themselves. Face it, we all use reference points as we wander through life. The challenge lies in emerging feeling better about ourselves than we do about those who started at or near the same place.

As for what to do going forward, I only know that everyone needs to keep moving forward. We humans are somewhat like sharks, meaning if we stop moving we die. That is why we are programmed to get through the grieving process without being forever locked in the dark sadness of what we lost. We can hold on to the fond memories and undying love without being forever consumed by sorrow, I think.

You say you are afraid to contemplate "big moves." My only reaction is that big is in the eye of the beholder. For some, trying a new restaurant or visiting a new church is a big move. For others anything less than living in a hut with an Amazon tribe is pretty small. I personally think a good way to shift gears and escape from dwelling on the past is to travel to a new place. Not with a tour group, mind you, but totally on your own, or at most with a good friend. Whenever my wife and I have gone to Europe we have always been rejuvenated not so much by the things we saw and the places we visited but by the people we met. People who travel to far away places, as Europe would be for you, are a special breed and whatever it is that makes them special seems to be contagious. You say you would like your life to move in broader circles. Well expand it to include Paris, Rome, Vienna, London, Florence, Venice and a host of other delightful and interesting places. 

To be perfectly honest and perhaps a bit audacious, I think I would now move on from "Ray's world" despite the support it has long provided you. To linger too long in the years consumed by your late husband's illness will only make it harder to move on from the darkness and into the sunshine. Yes, the sun still shines. Just keep looking up and ahead and you'll see it.

Good luck to you. I wish you the very best.

Ron

Ron, I did the big trips in 1994 and 1998, Ray had had a slight stroke in 1990 so we didn't do Greece as I would have liked to, too much walking. He had the two major strokes that retired us both, me to look after him, in 1999.  I went alone to England last year to meet up with cousins.  I didn't go to Europe as we had done that, I did go back to Ireland and the memories were mixed there.  I probably need to go somewhere I didn't go with Ray.

Sometimes new growth comes from overcoming memories not avoiding them.  For me the reunion was about facing some of the places I had been, fear, anxiety, isolation etc (I was a strange kid in some ways).  So the future for me lies in rejecting those fears and moving on in my own time, in my own way.

Sue, you know I'm 38, the reason I enrolled in this network was just to share my grandmother's story with you all while she's still fighting at 84yrs of age.  Well I must admit I read your post in tears, I don't quite know why I cried, then I figured out, I did not know Ray passed away, I felt so sorry and then I felt so happy somehow to meet or know of a person, like yourself....for myself and maybe for everyone who has shared with you your time, either by reading what you've written or by making you read what we've written down here...Having been to my highschool 20th reunion just months ago, I could tell you the same thing as RonA did, and many more sentences...

Well life is...a big oppurtunity...I'll tell you a funny story about a conversation which took place between me and my father's mother, she's 91yrs old, she can't walk, her knee caps are not working properly, and she always complains..but I must tell you that she's probably of mid-europe, slav genes, elder Yugoslavia immigrant to central Turkey...and she has a really strong mind...she talks at incredible speed and she's unstoppable.  She told me that life after 80 is not worth it, then she said that she wanted to see me get married, have children etc...Then I kind of tried to persuade her by telling her this "grandma, you are 91yrs old, and yet, your mind is as bright as it is when I first talked to you, probably 30odd years ago...you are a grandmother of 5 grandchildren...and you are a mother of 3 children...you were a wife, a mother, a grandmother, an aunt, a sister to your brothers and sisters...etc... you played and now are playing maybe 10 roles in your life...and you brought us up all...your children, then your children's children...etc...you have so many great roles in your life...and you still have...it's amazing that you've witnessed this for 91yrs...don't you think so?" then she said, Cagin, if only I could walk much better, it'd been better...could you please take me to the doctor?....hahaha, I laughed out hard...5mins ago, my grandma was complaining about the last 11 yrs of her life, then she was all of a sudden looking for cures to make her walk much better...bless her...bless you all...I'm with RonA in that sense...zillions of things you will do...for youself or for your friends...and I myself, just by reading your posts, comments, and seeing your profile photo take you as a friend from overseas...oh, if you plan to see istanbul, izmir, any part of Turkey for any reason, please let me know...Cheers...

Sue, I'm not sure the choice is confined to either avoiding or overcoming memories. Another option is to get through the grieving process so that you can enjoy the wonderful memories you and Ray built over the years so that they no longer bring sorrow, pain or discomfort.  Perhaps that is a form of overcoming memories but I think it is more about overcoming grief. Everyone grieves in his or her own way, of course, but some have more luck than others at moving on. The challenge lies in not letting grief forever turn your head to the rear. You sound as if you are doing pretty good, all things considered, and your focus is increasingly on what lies ahead. Here's to more of the same. Cheers.

Cagin, my blogs go back to 2006 so if you can't sleep at night they are there to read...lol.  You are about the same age as my youngest son,  Like you he had a lot of time for his grandparents and was a great help to me when I had my father and mother living with us.

Ron, moving on is over-rated.  Someone told me today I should "forget the past and move on".  Forget 44 years of marriage?  I don't think so.  I am moving forward, I can see the difference from two years ago...but moving on is another matter.

Sue, but you can move on without forgetting.  Or without living in the past at the expense of the future. I've been married for more than 48 years so I can identify, up to a point, with what you are saying. I know that the time I've spent with my wife is time I'll never forget under any circumstances. But were I someday without her I would still attempt to "move on." She would never want her memory to be an anchor that drags down or holds back whatever part of my life might remain. That's part of what love is all about.