It is two years today since Ray died. Because I knew I was going to sit here and mope and cry I went off to the local shopping centre. I did the girlie shopping, had a chat to about 8 people from the church, four from Lions and a couple from my Stroke recovery group. Then in came the friend I often have coffee with ( she looks after her stroke affected son) and she said:"Sit!" so I sat and she got coffee and a muffin to share and stayed with me for an hour. This was very reinforcing of our friendship and the fact that we share not only being stroke caregivers but also we are both widows.

I read the posts from September 2012 and September 2013 in this blog and realised i had come a long way on my recovery journey. I am about ready to make some life changes, looking for something challenging and that might be a "Chaplain to the Ageing course" if it is running next year. I think Health Services is still getting it's act together on that one. But I do think I am ready to tackle something like that now. I have done a lot of smaller courses but need a course to update what I know and draw it all together.

I slept very little last night. The dream in which I hear Ray calling out to me was back (hopefully just for one night) and I kept getting up to walk around the house. Nothing seems to make that one go away. When you know the emotional pain will be back you have to do something you like to do to ease the pain, so I try to have a coffee with a friend, buy a new book, come home and watch one of my old favourite movies. That is my formula. I was lucky and did far more than that today.

This afternoon I sat in with the person who hands out food parcels at our church on Friday afternoons. It is a strange system, we just take the persons name, ask how many are in the family and assemble some food from the Welfare Pantry. The food is all donated so sometimes comes in some funny combinations but it will tide the person over the weekend with maybe a bit left over for next week. We try to be jokey about it, put the person at ease, not make them feel like they are begging. One woman had had to pay for a long train journey to see her sick mother, another had repairs done on her care. They don't have to give a reason, that is between them and G-d. All they have to do is have a need.This session today reminded me that life goes on and i can cope.

Tomorrow night I am going to my 50th year school reunion of those who graduated in 1964. If you had read what the chat girls said about that on Tuesday night it would have made you blush, they had a lot of fun at my expense. So no, I will not stay out till 3am or finish up in someone's motel room girls. What I hope to do is reconnect with some of the people I have missed, preferably those who have retired back to the coast so I can see them more often.

I know some of my old classmates will have done much better than I have career wise and financially but know that none could have better supporters than I have had or gained so much out of what could have been a disastrous chapter of my life. The life that Ray lived and his bravery in the face of that journey will never be forgotten nor the strength I have gained by sharing his journey through both recovery and the long sad road to his death. When asked what I have done in the past ten years I shall smile enigmatically and say: "Nothing much actually and you?"

If you want to you can read my last anniversary blog:

http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?app=blog&module=display&section=blog&blogid=165&showentry=12064

and see the difference. It is good to have the blog so I can look back over the years and see how far I have come.

And yes, I did have a good cry before the night was over.