I got through the two big sad times Father's Day and what would have been Ray's 72nd birthday. These anniversaries even though I am nearly two years past his death still revive a lot of sad memories as you who have lost loved ones will realise. It is sad to think of the years going by without Ray in my life, after 44 years of marriage and with so many expectations that we would spend a lifetime together.

Life goes on. We had so many wet days I thought I might get a message to start collecting animals but today we had our first fully dry day and it was so good. Everywhere I looked there were signs of Spring, fresh growth on plants, birds busy nesting, happy shrieking of the parrots as they land in the trees, such handsome but noisy birds. The back garden is looking good after a week of effort from me and my helper, next door neighbour's friend who is staying with him for a while. It is so nice to work side by side with someone, such a change for me. And we are getting a lot done.

It is strange coming up to two years since Ray died. It was also the time my caregiving ended, though of course Mum went on for another couple of months and I still continued to visit her. I went into the unit she was in for a while "Jasmine" for the first time in two years. It was as part of my pastoral care visits to see a lady who had just moved in there. The nurse in charge told me how well I looked, how she would have hardly recognised me etc. I took this as an indication that I had changed for the better though I still feel the pain of all of that and both deaths aged me beyond my years. I think I am coming out of my grief now and seem to be rebuilding my energy.

One of the good things that happened to me in the past week was that I had a visit from my daughter. Each year there is a lunch held for officers in the Salvation Army and their parents. I am in the Newcastle area as it is based on where the parent lives not on where the child is posted to. The last one Shirley and I went to was two years ago a few days before Ray died and Shirley and I were both very worried and asked for their prayers. This year we really enjoyed meeting people and getting to know them a bit better. At our table we had a local couple and their son and a woman and her father, both officers being known to Shirley. The food was good and having Shirley for company was great. It happens so infrequently that we can spend some time alone and so it is extra special.

Today in the shopping centre I met up with one of my younger son's friend's mothers, Helen and I were once really close, last time I saw her she was with her Mum who it seems died two months ago. She asked me where I had left Ray. I took a deep breath and told her he had died two years ago. Tears filled her eyes and she told me how sorry she was, she said she had been so caught up with looking after her Mum, minding her grandkids etc. I said I used to be the same. It is understandable, friends like her just sometimes drift away from us, their lives filled with other interest and other worries. She said she will make sure she keeps up with me from now on. that is pleasant to hear but does not always happen, I'll leave it a week or so and ring her as I'd like us to be friends again.

I find I no longer look for Ray in the house, in the car or out on the verandah, I think I was still doing that as long as six months ago. I can now be here alone. That has taken a long time to happen and I see it as progress, a good thing. I finally do have that time to look after "me" but don't really know how to do that. I don't think I will grow into a selfish person, the church will always see that I have my hands full looking out for others. My family don't need me now but other people, particularly the old, the sick and the caregivers, still do.

I am looking forward to the reunion coming up on Saturday night. It is 50 years since as a shy seventeen year old I left school and went out into the big bad world. I never left my home town till Ray joined Fisheries really as we bought a house in the street I had lived in as a teen after a couple of months living with his old landlady. So many things have happened since then of course. I am looking forward to seeing some of my old acquaintances, they are not really friends as we haven't kept in touch. But it will be interesting to see how well they have aged, how many of the "boys" still have hair, how much we have all changed. I wonder how many still have the original wife or husband or if they have had others since then...lol. And of course some will be widows/widowers like me.

I may feel a bit like Cinderella I think. I have no rags to riches story, but a story told in the hearts of others is more worthwhile. And that of course, rediscovering who I used to be is another step in my journey. And I will be home by midnight! Luckily I can share all the stories with Shirley as she and Christopher will be having a stopover here on the way back from Cessnock on Sunday night. She and a party from her present church are going there to do a mini rally for Darren the guy I met during my Cessnock weekend a couple of weeks ago.

The Spring in the air, the help with the gardening, the resumption of old friendships, and the unanticipated visit of my daughter and grandson, all have lifted my spirits. I feel that is a string of blessings to add to my list of so many.