I wish I could say keeping busy helps, sometimes it does but sometimes it fails. Today was Fathers Day. There is no father now and since the kids are all away not even someone else's father to celebrate with. I went to church, I went to lunch, I came home and felt so sad. I had a nap, I woke up, I made my dinner, I felt so sad. I feel bad in so many ways, yes, it is a pity party, no I do not need any help, I just want to have someone back in my life, one of my family to move back here to be close to me. It won't happen that I know but that is what I want.

Tomorrow would have been Ray's 72nd birthday, I think I will add the years every year, 73, 74, 75, pathetic I know but what do you do when you have celebrated 45 of them and suddenly they are not going to have any more? I remember the first birthday Ray had after we met, we had not been going together long and he took me to his Mum's place for a celebratory lunch. His sisters were much younger than him, he had an older brother and sister-in-law and a younger brother. I don't have much contact with them now except an occasional phone call but we were close once upon an time. It is strange that we grow apart. More so in our case because three out of four couldn't come to terms with his stroke deficits and then his dementia.

I have so many pleasant acquaintances but few close friends. I have never been a best friend person. I always had a handful of good friends I could call on anytime. Some of those dropped away when Ray was diagnosed with dementia. A couple of them tried visiting but his lack of conversation and my need to do so many things for him diminished the bond I guess, it is uncomfortable for some to see such a deterioration in a formerly vibrant and vigorous person and that was Ray prior to his first stroke. I guess I would have been like that too but my mother trained both my sister and myself that we were there to help others not to criticise them.

Ray had a similar work ethic to what I had been brought up with. He was a helper too. His skills as a carpenter and a DIY man meant that he was in demand for a cheap fix to all sorts of household problems that his friends and their families had. Usually the phone call was just to ask him to give a hand to someone but he often finished up doing the whole job himself. It is like that if you are handy, the mates love to have you around. But after the strokes of course those mates faded away. Not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, unable to pay Ray back for all the kindness and help.

The rain doesn't help my mood. It has rained every day for the past eight days, not all days, some days it is called sun showers so it is sunny in between and I go into the garden and weed or repot or do some tidying and then down comes the rain again. A wet Spring often means a hot summer so pity the farmers in some of the inland districts where the rain is not falling as they will go back into drought again. What a variety of climates there is in Australia, how wonderful and how heart-breaking is our land.

And so the question arises: what to do with Spring? Usually as soon as the fine warmer weather comes it was outdoor activities. Back in the days when Ray was healthy and we still have kids in their twenties it was DIY time, they all seemed to move in Spring, so we moved them, Ray drove the moving van and helped carry the furniture, I unpacked and made meals. Then when the kids were independent, after his first stroke but before the second and third we did some travelling ourselves. I loved to wake up in our old Campervan on a river bank somewhere and hear the birds, and smell the smells of a camping area, the fire smoke and the bacon cooking in a pan. There were some good days.

And now there is just me. So camping is out, caravanning is out, overnight stays are done in motel rooms not on river banks. The visits to the kids mean indoor games with the grandkids and not bush walking and swimming in the river or a day at the beach as it did with our kids. Life has sure changed. The grandkids all play electronic games and although Shirley and family do go for walks and picnics the other two families don't do much outdoors at all. A pity with so much to see and do in our vast landscape.

I think kids these days miss out on a lot of adventures because of the computer games they play alone, rather than the physical games our kids played where everyone joined in, cricket played in the bush where most of the time was spent finding the ball, paddling an old blown up car tyre tube in the river, digging in the sand, making sand castles and drawing treasure maps in the sand. BBQs were the evening meal and those past long hots summers meant swimming and playing under the hosepipe not putting on the air conditioning.

​Of course I do have opportunities, at the moment there is a lot to do in the church and in the community. I know I could volunteer in either of the nursing homes I have been associated with. But like most events in modern life they are strictly indoor activities. What I really need in my life though is some fun and that is not as easy to find. What do you do for fun when you are aged 60+? There are the Senior Centres some of my friends have recommended, computer classes, Tai Chi, indoor bowls. I'm not sure I really want to learn indoor bowling though my Mum was a keen indoor bowler. and Dad played outdoor (Lawn) bowls for many years.

I know I have to continue to build a life of my own. I don't want to forget the past but I do need to come to terms with it. I do need to learn to live a life that is both sustainable and satisfying. I guess it is the day-by-day, one day at a time way as usual.